When I entered recovery in 1999, I had my story as to why I was unable to live up to my potential in life. Even though I grew up with two parents who never hit me, provided every material comfort and gave me direction and love, I focused on the one traumatic event that happened to me during my high school years and ran with it.
Already insecure due overdependence on my parents and the prospect of leaving home and going to college, my father's reaction to my blooming first love expereience shattered me. Instead of welcoming in the terrific object of my obsession, my father objected to our constant togetherness and punished me with a wall of silence. He withheld his love from me when I did not behave the way he preferred and this convinced me I was totally worthless.
I used this story to fuel my addictive behavior until the age of 31. Truth is, my insecurity, sensitivity and obsessive-compulsive behavior began long before my father made this choice. I was a wild fire ready to burn. As far back as I could remember, I felt less beautiful/worthy than my peers. As far back as I could remember, I was obsessed with the cute boy at school, achievement or my looks. This situation with my father simply gave me a good reason to feel less worthy.
If it wasn't for the situation with my dad, I would be married with kids by now (I would say to myself in my head at age 25 when I preferred to stay out drinking and doing ecstasy instead of maturing like other women.) Finally, when I was close to my rock bottom, I dated a handsome doctor whom I respected who said to me, "Get over it" when I told him why it was so hard for me to trust men. I was mortified.
"Get over it? What does he mean get over it?" I asked myself. "How do I get over it? If I knew, I would have done that by now."...