I began dating my husband in 2002. He is an incredible man. He is supportive, fun, hard working, positive and a great dad. Still, I find myself dissatisfied and bored in our relationship at times. After great thought, I have come to the conclusion that my restlessness is a side effect or consequence of my previous addiction to unhealthy relationships and not a result of being with him.
While in my twenties, I used to date a new guy every 3-6 months. (Ah, the high of the chase! ) I never knew how much I enjoyed the ritual of flirting, waiting for phone calls, buying new outfits and/or going out on dates until I stopped dating. I also never knew how much the routine of hopping from one man to the next distracted me from my fear of abandonment. Because of an incident with my dad in high school, I questioned whether I was acceptable.
Today, when I feel frustrated or bored, I ask myself "What's really going on?" When I answer honestly, I can see that I am inflicted with another form of addiction called workaholism. I find it very hard to just sit and be. I constantly feel a need to do, create or go. Because I rarely get enough rest or vacation time, I feel taxed, unhappy and shut down. I know this because recovery has taught me how to stop blaming other people for my own frustration. It's not my husband that needs replacing, its my all too serious nature that doesn't know how to relax without liquid lubrication and its my fear of taking risk that requires adjustment.