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Posted by on in Drug Addiction
  • My family and my psychiatrist are cautiously crossing their fingers at the change in personality this holiday season. They know that this timie of year virtually ALWAYS finds me in a drug induced fog sinking into a dreadful depression. With the tweaking of some different meds, I have actually made a playlist of holiday songs that I can be caught singing along with. It's been years since I had a needle hanging out of my body. It's true I have had far less money but neither do I have to drive with one or more felonies on me. How pleasant not to live in mortal fear of the area law enforcement. 
  • I thought I'd tell a couple of stories that took place around Christmas time. The first one took place while I'd had a job at an upscale retail store where I was the dock supervisor. During this entire time, unbeknownst to me, my husband, and father of my two children was selling meth behind my back. I knew we were still using, but thought we were paying for it. We lived in a rat infested frame house where the vermin were bigger than the cats in the neighborhood. Hand to God. You could walk outside and listen for a little bit and inevitably you would hear a scuffle in the trees overhead followed by a thud. Then you would see a disheveled feline shaking off the leaves and dirt as they stalked away. Every day. It was insane of us to subject our children to a house so infested by river rats that I couldn't put my 11 month old infant down on the floor without her getting eaten up by the fleas of the RATS, we had no inside pets. I also paid for daycare during this misadventure, which is altogether a different tale. 
  • So imagine a tattered blue and white 1 bedroom frame house. Overrun with huge rats and it's Christmas. I had gotten off work Christmas eve, picked up the babies and gone home. As evening rocked around bedtime came so I took my babies to the lone bedroom which held a king size waterbed and we three laid down. After a bit I began to hear shuffling in the living room. Voices grew louder and more excited, so loud in fact that I got up to see what the fuss was about.
  • In the dingy living room my husband and his brother, both spun off on meth, had the tired old couch up on its end and one had a .22cal rifle while the other one had an air rifle. Both were hopping up and down and taking turns taking aim at what I could only assume was a rat which shot out of the couch and promptly crawled up our "Charlie Brown" Christmas tree. The fight began again with great vigor as they flailed about at the pitiful cedar tree whacking away at the branches throwing balls and ornaments everywhere. They both saw me standing there in my pajamas at the same time. Each began to tell me loudly what had transpired. I sushed them both and just shook my head and closed the bedroom door. I got back into bed with my poor babies, pulled them close and wept. That was years and years ago, back when I still had tears to cry with and had hope for a better life. It would require a miracle and Santa was fresh out of miracles that year. 
  • I can't even say how many Christmases passed that found me alone trying to interpret directions for assembly of one toy or another, weeping and assailed with self loathing for dragging out what was a hopeless situation with the kids Daddy. I loved him as much as its possible to love another human being. We'd gotten addicted together, had two perfect children together, learned how to sell dope and not get caught together. I couldn't imagine life without him. Finally one fateful Thanksgiving day, after I'd been unable to reach him for three days, he answered. There was obviously someone else and there was. Barely 18 yrs old. Fresh in town from Houston where she'd just lost custody of a son, to my husband's 37 yrs old. Looking for his lost youth. She would never ask him the tough questions. Big eyed and stupid, but not so dense that she couldn't stroke his ego like I wouldn't do. I never was much of a game player in relationships. I felt it was beneath me, that I shouldn't have to. I always was utterly faithful in all my marriages. It was a pride thing. If I felt myself looking with more interest than was reasonable then I would tell my partner on my way out the door. I began my battle with drugs in the Spring of 1985. Big hair, questionable music, leg warmers and spandex. I'll end my fight the day my journey on this small blue planet the day I breathe my last. Even now, clean and sober, it creeps into my dreams at night. While I can triumph over it when awake, it defeats me as I slumber. Although I am never able to actually successfully do a bump in my dreams. It's like chasing an orgasm in your sleep or with an inept partner like my 2nd and 4th husbands. "Just don't touch it, I'll take care of it." SMDH. Lol. Got off track there, beg your pardon. Hahaha. Gotta hang onto your sense of humor. I've always been able to laugh at myself, regardless of the pathos of some of my black days. Dark humor, yes. Between my 3rd and 4th husband's was the only truly good man that I'd ever have pursue me. He was 7 yrs celibate when we started dating. I was trying desperately to get clean and stay that way. He'd just come out of the youth mission field. He was finishing up his masters at a nearby Christian university where he was cast the lead in the school's competitive drama production. He played classical and Spanish guitar fluently, also spoke perfect Spanish, hailed from Alabama. He could also juggle, walk any distance on his hands and make any balloon animal known to man. He was also last but not least, oh so easy on the eyes and built like an athlete. He had a beautiful singing voice and a generous nature. He was living with my pastor when we met. I tried to wait til he asked me out, but he was so polite that I finally got my chance to ask him. Yes I was still struggling with addiction and yes I was still madly in love with my children's father, who was the quintessential bad boy. Motorcycle, leathers, long hair and as bad assed as any given situation demanded. I never knew him to lose any confrontation. Even when he was outnumbered. 
  • One evening my ex (3) showed up with some fire and needles while I was home alone. My parents had taken the children to Padre Island to visit my brother thus leaving me alone in the house. When Derrick showed up holding, I called Beau (the good guy) and cancelled our plans. Bad guys 1 Good guys 0.  We retreated to my parents room where we were doing dope and having sex. All my parents had on their windows was mini blinds. It was very easy to see throught them. While we were in the middle of doing a bump, I heard a rustling in the bushes as they scraped across the window. Immediately I jumped up and grabbed a robe quickly. Derrick asked what I was doing and I said that someone was in the bushes. He said Who cares, and kept on drawing up the meth. Then I heard a knock coming from the door in the garage. With a sinking feeling I ran to the door. I opened the door and as I had feared, Beau was standing in the garage. When I opened it he moved to come in til I placed my hand on his chest. His eyes were like fires and he was visibly shaken. I told him to leave and that I would call him in the morning. He reluctantly took a step backwards and as I frantically tried to get him to leave, he finally got my attention by saying "If you say that there's nothing going on, then I'll believe you and go." His remark caused me to pause. I could here Derrick loudly making threats which I knew weren't empty. My tender new fellow had no conception of the beating he was about to take, so I pushed and shoved him until he finally left. I faced the realization that we were worlds apart. I was a hard core junkie, he was a servant of God. I broke up with him but he persisted in pursuing me. He joined the Air Force reserves for more money so he could provide for me and my two babies. He wrote me long, loving letters and bought me roses weekly. Gradually he began to wear me down with his unconditional unselfish love. I finally unbent and embraced a clean Christian future. A few days after I'd agreed to marry him and follow him into the mission fields of Venezuela, I received a phone call from his commanding officer teling me that Beau and 3 other airmen had saved a very young girl who was being gang raped by a genuine gang. They saved the girl. Beau hd taken a hard blow to the head. Two dys lter he layed down before his Christian rock band practice, went to sleep and never woke up. Aneurysm. 
  • Thats all right now, I'm melancholy. Thanks for your time. Boots
Tagged in: 28 day
Hits: 1382

Posted by on in Drug Addiction

This is two one post. My very loyal friend Grace was asst manager at the biggest craft store in the region and loved her job and was very good at it. Her boyfriend was not nearly so ambitious. Between jobs perpetually but wasn't one to be accountable even to Grace. I immediately liked Grace. She was not the kind of person who waited on her opportunities to find her, she found them. Yes we both sold meth, pretty smoothly because while our better(that's a laugh)halves were greedy, we were just trying to get by. I specifically gave away easily as much as is old.So one night her man is planning on pulling off a cook in their two bedroom duplex with Grace's mother in the unit directly next door sleeping. Facts become sketchy here. I know she heard a loud noise and looked in her living room walls at the flames climbing up the walls.

Same time, completely different situation and location. Although I couldn't stand the bitch, Derricks little trick. She had come to town for God knows why and the minute she hit town, climbed in my pocket and wherefore I went so went she. While she was in town Grace and I learned from Goldilocks, (her boyfriend) that a very close friend of many people was about to get busted and no one moved a muscle. That's an other story. The morning before the fire, I had gone to Dallas to score. I got a call from Nastyshanks telling me to buy every grain I could find, that it was all sold in Galveston. So I spent every penny on the shit thinking to sprint into Galveston, sell out,  run back to Dallas, reup then go back to my home turf........... Not so said the dope gods. "It's your turn to pull a rabbit out of a hat. Before trying to drive myself that far,  I had recruited one of Derrick's yard- dogs to drive me while I mapped. It didn't require a huge amount of time before I was aware that something was amiss. But I'd been awake about 36hrs  and thought it might be my exhaustion. SO I didn't say anything but his bizarre behavior just got worse.  He couldn't watch where we we're headed because he was too busy watching behind us. Finally I said quite loudly "What in the hell is wrong with you. You're gonna kill both of us. Your skitzing your brains out. When did you last sleep and how long? " he replied "Umm I slept a couple of hours about four days ago. " Great I thought I was getting a safer driver than myself,  not so. I made him pull over and I -got in the driver's seat.  I'd gotten a couple of hours of sleep on the way down and was feeling better. After getting directions we found -the rundown,  questionable motel, especially when the hotel clerk asked me if I wanted a room by the hour or overnight. "No thanks,  we are just visiting someone." We got to her room and went in and I sat in a tired old chair beside a little round table. The room was dimly lit by a lone light bulb struggling to illuminate the dingy room. "Well baller, you can call your people and tell them to come on. " She was nervously peeping out the window. I repeated myself. She finally came over and said "Can we do some now? " I hesitated for a minute then said "Nastyshanks, your people, can't you get in touch with them? " She said "OK, what do we do next? " I simply stared at her with a bad feeling in my gut. "Do you or don't you have some of this shit sold? " I asked "Oh that, well I got fired from that "modeling" job cuz i was asking everyone if they wanted some shit cuz I had a lot coming into town". I let my head fall forward in utter dismay. How..... Why?  What would make me spend everything but 75¢ of my money based on ANY-BODY'S word much less the word of a feinding hooker? I pressed her asking "Do you mean you don't know even one person with $20 to spend?" She shook her empty head no. "And you don't have any money at all,  is -that right? " She nodded. "Well" I said "Your not a very good hooker, are you? " the yarddog jumped in with "Can't you see she's really afraid?  Look at her. " I thought a minute then said "Would some dope help honey? " I asked sympathically.  She paused in her window peeping and after a couple seconds said "Maybe." "Well better pick your curb well then cuz you aren't even going to look at what I brought you, you bobble headed idliot.  Do you realize the throwed off situation you have put me in? I am broke and need gas to even leave this motel much less to drive four hours to get home."She said "I'm sorry.  It was so easy last week when I was in town with you last week ." "that was in MY HOMETOWN WHERE I KNOW EVERYBODY I NEED TO KNOW!! " I had gotten loud."Well I'm going to sleep since I don't know what else to do. " and I fell across the bed after duct taping everything including cigarettes to my belly. Hey it's ugly but necessary. Some places you have to put your shoes under your head in order to have them when you got up. Even then you better not sleep to hard. I slept deeply and into the night. When I awoke I felt physically better, hungry but better. I bought a candy bar with my 75¢ and ate it all without any guilt. Finally in desperation I dug through my laundry in my trunk and found a couple of items of clothing that I could return them to the large retail store that I'd bought them at. I got about $15 and that would get me close enough to home that I could offer to pay for them to drive down and bring me enough money to get me home. 

We we're parked right beside a laundromat beside a very busy freeway.  I had gassed up and was telling my useless driver that it was time to go. Nastyshanks was bawling because she didn't know what she was going to do. She was laying it on thick when my phone rang. It was Grace and I could barely understand her.  "Shut up!" I shouted trying to hear and be heard above her snot slinging and traffic. Finally I made out what she was saying. Her duplex and her Mama's next door had been utterly laid to waste by the bomb like explosion from her boyfriend trying to whip up a little something something at night after she'd gone -to bed. You're joking, right? " I said incredulously. Her sobs needed no reply. "So where's the wannabe chef now? And how's your Mom? Will you be able to salvage anything? "I said hopefully. Still sobbing she said almost hysterically "You don't understand. It exploded just like a bomb had been dropped on it. There's nothing,  nothing left but the slab." I was instantly furious with Goldilocks for putting them atp risk like that. For months the ATF dogged Grace's every step to the point where sadly she was called in and told she had missed too much time and the constant questioning of the local, state and federal authorities we're keeping her from her work. Oh yeah she and I we're on the phone together at her most stressful day on record and the hooker made the mistake of whining "I'm just gonna kill myself,  nobody cares". Only the yard dogs speedy action kept her from my determined reach. "I'm SO sorry girl I should be there but I'll be there as soon as possible but first I must help this hooker commit suicide." I was struggling to grab her all the while telling her that I would put her out of everyones misery and just sling her skinny ass right over the fence beside the freeway. "You'll be completely unconscious by the time the third car hits you.  I was utterly serious and the yard dog had seen me pull a gun on more than a few occasions with every intention of firing it. He managed to get her wadded into her pos car,  jumped into the drivers seat and drove her raggedy ghetto ride.  I didn't worry cuz I figured with no gas and no money they'd never reach the city limits,  but like the fishes and the loaves a MIRACLE OCCURED. She somehow with nothing to get it with, she got gas to take her all the way to my neighborhood. Nasty bitch. BUT I'VE PUT ALL THAT BEHIND ME AND SINCERELY WISH HER NO ILL WINDS. I believe strongly in karma these days. Whatsoever you sow, so you shall reap. I try to help every person I come into contact with. I've known some ugly people,  ugly from the inside out. Killers.Now I try to find the site of they're gushing wound. Well it's late, hope someone out there can draw strength from my chaotic life. I'm a survivor, an overcomer, a soldier in the war on addiction. Thank you for your time. 


Tagged in: 28 day
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Posted by on in Alcoholism

The standard stay for patients at in-patient addiction treatment programs has historically been 28 to 30 days. Ever wondered how this came about? Unfortunately, the 28 day treatment template is not some magical number based on science or evidence. Rather it was implemented for a number of other reasons, largely based on financial regulations and arbitrary logic. Discover why addiction experts are urging treatment providers and clients to reconsider standards about length of stay.

The Origins of the "28 Day Rehab"

The reasons behind the formulation of the month long treatment go back to the 1970's. During this period the United States Air Force established its first addiction treatment program. When choosing the duration of treatment for members of the Air Force they based their methods on the existing reassignment rules. These rules stated that if individuals were away from treatment for more than 30 days they had to be reassigned. So they selected 28 days as the standard to avoid the arduous reassignment process.

Dr. David Lewis, who in the 1970's helped establish the addiction treatment in the U.S. Air Force, says 30-day stays were scheduled for bureaucratic reasons rather than any scientific or medical evidence.

In the following years, as addiction treatment grew and expanded, other treatment centers adopted the Air Force's standard. Insurance companies drafted their policies and coverage plans to align with the newly founded standard length of stay. This standard has existed for decades, largely unchallenged until recently. Now professionals and researchers are coming forward with evidence and experience that shows we need to re-evaluate the ideal length of stay in inpatient facilities.



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