Over the course of this last year, I really learned about my power and a power greater than myself. A little over nine months ago I was promising my wife in tears that I would never touch heroin or anything else again. I meant it with all of my heart and soul. A lie detector test would have proved me to be telling the truth.
I had just gotten out of a detox and had exchanged numbers with one of the other patients. He called me to come pick him up for a meeting that same evening. So, no problems, right? I tell my wife I’m picking up another addict to go to a meeting. The guy gets in my car and has two loaded syringes ready… there was no second thought. Within moments, I was high. This after truly believing I would never use again. That’s my power. I really learned the definition of powerlessness that night.
After that, there was two weeks of hotels and living in my car and then ending up in another detox. Then two half-way houses. Many of us have been through these journeys. This was definitely not the first time. I had about five years clean and sober in the past, but for the last five years I’d been struggling to put time together. I had been in countless detoxes, half-houses, and rehabs. I just could not stay stopped. That obsession always dogged me. It was the devil.
It was not until the second half-way house that something amazing and profound happened. Although, I was sleeping on the floor, there were ten other guys, there were roaches… There was a lot to complain about, something just struck me. I was in the shower praying because that is about the only place I could get some peace.
While praying I felt a total peace and then I just felt broken. It was as though I was letting everything out. All of my sorrow, pain, and despair… I was giving over to God. That day, I stepped out of that shower a free man. Everything was not going to be alright. Everything was alright! I felt joy. I’d not felt joy in five long years. To this day too, with action, the obsession is gone. It was a cleansing and an awakening. My wife even saw something different and after time I moved home.