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Posted by on in Food Addiction

Caroline Miller, author of the bestselling book "My Name is Caroline", recalls the bulimic dream job of cleaning up after the family meal in this excerpt from her memoir. 

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Posted by on in Food Addiction

Again, the loneliness of my disease reaches out to slap me as I recall vividly those scenes of despair and trying to cry out for real help, but shutting myself down just as quickly.  Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I’d called even one of those therapists and taken the risk of being “seen” authentically, which would have broken the silence around me more decisively.  As it turned out, I had to get married to create the separation from my family that led me to finally seek help after hitting my last bottom.
 
I also wish I’d been something other than a number to my parents, who never seemed to comment on the fact that I was thriving academically at Harvard, and even on my way to graduating magna cum laude.  My brains came second to my body, and probably even to me at that point because it felt like the only thing anyone cared about.  What could have possibly made this nightmare end sooner for me?  More awareness of eating disorders, and open talk by people who were in recovery, and who could demystify the process of getting better.  It felt like a huge effort to even find the right people to reach out to, which is certainly not the case any longer.  There are blogs like this one, celebrities who go public (including the Disney actress who entered a treatment center this week for her eating disorder), and books galore for those who want to read more before they reach out. 
 
Still, there is always the shame and fear before identifying yourself as someone who is seen as “broken” by others, and whose behavior others find disgusting.  So I salute anyone who has the courage to raise their hand and ask for assistance, because by doing so, you enter a fraternity and sorority of some of the finest, most successful, and most interesting people on the face of the earth.

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Posted by on in Food Addiction

In this excerpt from her bestselling book on bulimia, Caroline Miller describes the criticism, shame and pressure that fueled her relentless self-loathing and despair.  Ordinarily successful in all her endeavors, Caroline has trouble accepting her inability to assert will power to fix her eating disorder.

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Posted by on in Food Addiction

Reading Caroline's memoir brings up a great deal of emotion in me. Mainly, I feel gratitude for the new methods I have discovered in recovery to purge my emotions.  Before recovery, I often felt I was the only girl in the world tormented by food.  I felt worthless, disgusting and weak.  I expected little good for me and my future and bulimia was my way of coping with my despair.

In college, I came undone emotionally and exploded into multiple addictions. Bulimia was always a constant thread which held me together. Some days, I got in my car and drove from fast food restaurant to fast food restaurant ordering donuts, cheeseburgers, french fries and ice cream. IncreaseI never waited until I got home to begin binging on the food.  Instead, I drove around shoving fries in my mouth like a mad man on a hunger strike who has been without water for weeks.

I ate until my stomach was about to burst. I ate until my head was dizzy and my body was exhausted. To get the food up, I drank cups of water and pushed on my belly to dislodge the food.  I experienced deep relief when piles of vomit spewed from my mouth.  In those moments, I dispelled every once of pain I carried around with me.  In those moments, I expelled everything dirty and wrong and ugly about me.

Best,

Increase

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Posted by on in Food Addiction

Bestselling author of "My Name is Caroline", the first major autobiography on bulimia, shares about the overwhelming despair that prompted her to abuse herself bodily and mentally.  As a recovered bulimic myself, I relate to Caroline's rejection of self despite her upstanding, affluent family and her enjoyment of many of life's finest pleasures.

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