My sponsor told me that my negativity is my addiction personified. In other words, what I believe is wrong in me and the world will be outwardly projected into my life. If I believe I can't get sober, I won't. If I believe I can't succeed, I won't. If I believe the world is against me, it will be.
Conversely, recovery teaches me that the positive beliefs I form will manifest in my life. The emphasis switches from negative projection to positive projection. I believe I can be sober and I am. I believe I can recover from multiple forms of addiction and I did. I believe I can be successful at work and a great mother and I am.
I notice lately that there is an area of my life where I don't feel the peace and joy I want to feel and that is my marriage. In doing my tenth step and talking over my feelings both with a sponsor and a professional (therapist), I learned about the term "introjection." This is when you digest a part of your envirnonment (namely your original caregivers like your parents) whole.
These are some of the beliefs I digested by growing up in my home:
I should marry well (Rich, smart, Jewish, my own age, no baggage)
I should worry about the future (have all types of insurance and save, save, save)
I should be contemptuous of men. They are all little children who are selfish.
I should say what I think even if it hurts someone else.
I should manipulate and lie to get my way
I should sit in silent scorn
I should prove my worth by being right
I should be self-righteous
I should tell secrets
I should blame others for my pain
I should go shopping to forget my pain
I should repress my emotions
I should expect marriage to be painful, empty and shallow
I should do for others and resent it
I should work in a professional field, unlike theatre or television
I should rely on myself
I should be the victim
I should neurotically talk about what is wrong with others
I should avoid looking at myself
I should avoid apologizing for my wrong doings
I should but into everyone else’s business
I should deny my own Truth
I should get defensive when others point out my character defects.
I should feel hopeless.
I shoudl give up on my dreams.
I should eat, drink, smoke, cheat my way to joy.
Recovery teaches me that it is safe to put the lies on paper and look at them. It is safe to fearlessly search and see. I have a loving Higher Power to guide me through the murk of my beliefs and my emotions to a crystal clear sea of Peace. My job is to do the inventory and the outcome is up to my Higher Power.
I don't know what the end result will be for me and my marriage, but I do know that a solution to the "A VOID DANCE" exists. I don't have to follow the dictates of my introjected parent. I have a wonderful husband who I cherish and the steps of recovery affords me a chance to expel the lies and become more authentic.
Join me in this journey.
P.S. Share some tips on how you expel old ideas and