To say three is only one rock bottom in the recovery process is like saying there is only one awakening.  Thankfully, there have been many more moments of enligtenment than moments of complete despair and hopelessless.  However, I came into the 12 step program full of ism's and sickness and defects and it has taken years to uncover the many layers and their impact on my life and the lives of those around me.

First came my rock bottom with alcohol and cocaine.  It happened in November of 1999, nearly two years after consistant alcohol and drug poisoning and darkness, and landed me in an emergency room with a Cardiologist who sternly suggested I get my rear end to the nearest 12 step meeting.  Almost four years later, I hit another bottom with my bulimia.  Sliding down a bathroom wall staring myself in the face full of anguish, hopelessness and pain, I cried out to G-d asking how I had failed?  Wasn't I working my 12 step program diligently enough?  Wasn't I doing everything a good little girl should do?  I had to become willing to let other girls know I suffered from bulimia and help them in order to find my way out.  Up unti lthat time, I wanted G-d to help me but I wasn't interested in what he needed from me in exchange.  Small oversight but big impact once I became entirely ready to have that defect removed.

And still other bottoms in areas like sex and co-dependency.  Like the one I face now-parents with failing health.  Mom with stage 4 lung cancer.  Father with internal abscess and unresolved illness.  "Worries" about their comfort, their support, their feelings on mortality and G-d, their passing all contribute to my defect of overwhelming loss of control and fear.  The rapacious creditor, alcohol, must have a brother called fear who, left unattended will eat at the walls of the lining of your stomach like h. pylori, like is happening to me.  I have worried myself sick or, in taking short cuts with green powder drinks that can do more harm than good and are not regulated by the FDA, altered my reality by taking short cuts to nutrition.

I like to be in the drivers seat but somehow that always leads me into dark sections of town where my car is being surrounded by threatening characters.  I intend to find a beautiful waterfall next to a serene lake with lilys floating on top but that never happens.  When I let go, ask G-d and my sponsor for direction, get quiet, take my inventory, ask for direction and help and sincerely become ready to have G-d remove whatever defect stands in the way of my peace, G-d can restore me to sanity and transport me to the exact spot/peace of mind I seek.  I can't control what is happening to my parents just like I couldn't control many things as a child or in early recovery.  What I can control is my understanding of the Power in my life that can solve all my problems and if I am clear on how unlimited, loving, intelligent, interested, knowing all Power truly is, I can allow myself to be where I am, feel what I feel, take positiive action and expect Good orderly results.

 

All my best,

Cate