Sometimes I do wish I was one of the smarter ones in AA. The educated crowd. That like them, I could read and retain with sufficient memory what others seem to easily grasp. AA history? Additions to sober living through Carl Jung philosophies or Emmet Fox teachings. Christianity? Buddhism? The progressive understanding and effectiveness of Bill Wilson's experience with religions. If only I could see clearly the relevancy of some letter written from Bill W to Sister Ignatia in the AA archives or grasp the undertones of Dr Bobs religious base. I would love to be able to remember who alcoholic number three was and be available for discussion when it arises with the new man? The name of the Hospital where the guy in the bed picture was from? What year Alanon was formed or the first 12/12 published? I would quote old Grapevine articles with assurance.
Participate, be a part of it all when and wherever? Ebby? Sure, Ebby was to become Bills sponsor? Spiritual advisor maybe? He shows up at Bills door unrecognizable on fire from the religious leanings of the..the.. I can't remember. ((Oxford Group)) Got it! The Oxford group. But I can't retain any of it really. Even if I am lucky and remember it.. It's been proven time and again that even at my sharpest? My best? I still suffer in self. The selfishness and fear are still here. Oh not anywhere near the paralyzing selfishness and fear I showed up with but still here and there lurking. Oddly, my hope lies in the simple willingness suggested in the Big Book 12 Step format. No intellect needed really.. I am willing therefore I am. Not willing and I become nothing. Fortunately I can grasp the importance of willingness. I have found, seen times where all I seem to have is willingness? I am ok with just willingness. I get it. Willingness is indispensable. I read it in the Book and retain it throughout my day. Simple, yes, simple is good for me..
The big question I ask myself arises often? Especially when wallowing in a new or seemingly reoccurring blank spot. How have I lived this long in this world being so incredibly burnt out in the head? I mean really now, I am freaken fried yet still manage to live sober and follow a suggested spiritual path in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Book says I am to give away what I have found. What could anyone possibly want that I have to offer? All I have really found is willingness. How do I give my willingness away? Doesn't another need their own willingness?
The brain activity surrounding my daily life must be in it's simplest form. Basic. Too much stimulus and I overload and seem to shut down. It's as if I can't push or even empower myself. I ask my Higher Power for direction and wait until the answers come. They always seem to come. Oh I can try for the instant gratification brought selfishly by arranging others sure. But it's as if all my life nobody could stop me and now? In my sobriety? I can stop myself without others involvement. I seem to care enough for myself to care for myself. I have undergone a psychic change. Is this what they call discipline? I can see myself from both sides without making myself and others pay for my flawed character. I accept myself really, it's ok. When I am driven? Forcing my arrangements? Then well, in short order I can't participate at all and remember nothing. The self centered fear takes over and it's all stop.
Brain scrambled, jammed, dead in my head waiting for another's thoughts to rescue me from myself.. I wallow in a negative loop until I am defeated, devastated. Or like the Book says, crushed by a self imposed crisis I can not postpone or evade. It is here and I am trapped.. I will abuse myself until I have sabotaged myself completely making myself pay for being such a failure. I act as someone else was punishing me. I treat myself as I believe they would. I cause myself pain and more pain until I am sure they have hurt me or punished me enough. I will stop hating and abusing myself when they nolonger hate me. Whatever I had, whoever I was? They are gone and my sole reliance is now on the acceptance of others to somehow redeem me. To generate some glimmer of self worth by catering to others assumed needs. If you will like me then I am saved. I can now again like myself. I will think what you think as if my own thoughts. Hopefully now with maybe someone else? I am liked so I can again kike myself or even the one who hated me now likes me, either way. I am addicted to people..
I become at best a back peddling producer of confusion as I fill in the blank spots with ignorance hoping to somehow climb out of my hole.. Finishing with what I am quite sure you or others want to hear but for me? Myself? I'm empty. I rely on my survival skills, my selfishness. Co-dependent arrangements with multiple choice answers to others factual information while catering to all involved. I am now all things to all people and stand for nothing really. I am officially full of crap and the worst of it being I am aware of it yet keep going as if following the conversation blindly I will eventually find my way out. I keep digging. I honestly do not know any better at this point. It is a way of life for me.
My arrangements will stimulate a response from someone, anyone. When I am even the slightest bit validated? When I have the last word? I put down the shovel and get out with my fragmented soul safe under your protection, your acceptance. I then well, I will use you up. That whole give me an inch and I take a mile thing. It's the natural course of action for me. As if I unscrew your head and drink you until you're gone, empty too like me and left to be discarded or if you are lucky? Run for it!. .
I am addicted to people yet never get drunk on them no matter how many I drink, only sick. I get sicker and sicker until I am avoided like the plague. Again devastated? Cut and move on? A geographical cure? Out of town meetings? I have set myself up once again to fail with my extreme selfishness. I want to hide, cover my face. I have done all of this for you! Done your thinking? Did what I thought you thought and wanted or needed? And you betray me and leave. and taken everything. There is no more connection, gone. Why am I not as important to you as you are to me? Why am I always addicted to others and they are never to me? You were my everything and when you left me you took me with you so now here I am again. Alone and afraid. Why can't you feel the "need" like I do. The addiction! The emptiness is here, the dirty mind, now memories of only guilt and shame. I am not good enough, I am never good enough. The negative loop again until another comes along to save me. Offer themselves to me for my emotional fulfillment. My drinking pleasure.
The fear makes me jockey for control and have the last word. I'll hurt you now like you hurt me hopefully then you'll let me comfort you. I will hurt you then fix you. There it is. I have staked my claim. Believe me, if I could simply stop and listen, shut my mouth? Flip an imaginary switch on the back of my head and shut me off? I would. I just can't be the unresolved issue when I rely on you for my self esteem. I can't let you let me down. I need security. An emotional boost. I need validation. I need to keep it flowing. I will dazzle you with falsehoods. I will stamp you with anger. Manipulate you with kindness. I will do whatever it takes to get my emotional needs met no different than a junkie who will do whatever it takes to get high. This I have seen time and time again. This needs to be seen time and time again. This is no longer some self abusive morbid reflection no. It is simply the truth about my condition. My selfishness and fear. My Spiritual malady. Alcoholism. It really is a life or death mental health issue..
But hey, I do try. I work at it everyday. I do reveal my true self as much as possible. The honesty which leads to freedom for me. I understand my purpose today and as handicapped as I may still seem to be at times? I understand my limitations. Oddly for the most part? I like to listen to others today, I enjoy not being in control. Living my life for the most part relieved of fear. My surroundings do not need to cater to my emotional state while constantly paying the tab for my lack of emotional security. I am not boxed in constant self centeredness. I come and go as I please, I bring what I have and give it freely. I am no longer the thief. I don't want what everyone else has. I like the life I live today and don't mind the company when I am alone..
I am online posting around recovery sites. A hack. I can stumble on words of wisdom? I can speak fluent crazy. I am fine either way. I don't want to hurt anyoneor myself. I do my best to be accountable. Rarely am I a recovery broker. A teacher. Professor. A cut and paste jockey. Rarely do I rely on a self esteem boost by arranging others to suite myself. I am armed with facts about myself. My history? Currently? I am even capable of making plans for the future without laying my life down on a presumed outcome. No reason to set myself up to win or lose. I want for nothing really. I have everything I need to live and be free on the spiritual path suggested in AA. People? Well. People come and go. They don't show up to complete me nor do they take me when they go. They are what they are, they are who they are and I am fine with who I am. This is good. They said if I was willing to do the 12 Step work laid out in masterly detail in the Big Book? If I was willing to walk the spiritual path? Willing to keep my own house in order? It would be good and here I am living it and it is good.
There was a time when I was so extremely self centered I would not read what I didn't write. I was so afraid to learn, so afraid of what I didn't know. So afraid I would fail. Holding on to self-centeredness and afraid to let go I placed myself in the center of the world and it's people. I was a part of everything. The chief critic.I had an opinion or judgement on every form of mental or emotional stimulation that came my way. I believed I knew what was best for the world and the people in it and constantly made them pay for not consulting me first. An assassin of sorts, a sniper. a back stabbing confidant. Tearing the world down to my level. Making others suffer as I flounder aimlessly in my immaturity. Blame. It's your fault I am stunted so it's you're responsibility to fix me. This has changed over time. I look forward to others who post their experience. I feel goo when they post. I don't feel the need to worship them or anyone else. I am simply happy when I see them show themselves for who they are. It makes me feel good like hey, I'm not alone. There are people like me all over the world. I don't need to arrange my uniqueness, I have no reason to be afraid. I have nothing to steal, nothing to hide from anyone really. I am transparent. I do not reveal my name simply because I am sharing my experience with my life in and around the Big Book 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I of course did not write the Book nor do I represent AA as Stepsherpas' Anonymous. I am certainly not the norm or a image of alcoholism or it's recovery.. I just have my experience of how I was living with untreated alcoholism, what happened when I was rescued in AA and what it's like today having woken up spiritually a few hours ago with 35 years and change living sober.
Is my own house in order? Yeah. For the most part I am very grateful and don't need to search out new things to stimulate my gratitude. Last night I donated some food. I do it often. I am trying to learn to give without expectation. I have been at this for years yet each new day it seems to present itself differently, so I am willing
Yesterday I got a handle on some chores around that were falling into the cracks and becoming unresolved issues. Oil change in the car. Get my truck together. Some food shopping. Time with new guy working on he Step 2 willingness. Time with another writing his 4th Step and how important it is to stay on Step 3 while picking up the pen..Another wants to get together for an extensive written 10th Step I agreed to witness with him. Maybe he's ready next weekish? My partner gets up in a bit and we'll go out for breakfast like we usually do on Sunday. Go visit her mother in the nursing home who hasn't been feeling well so maybe chicken broth? And some chocolate of course.
I have prayed this morning, followed Step 11 "upon awakening" in the Book. Begun my life living one day at a time willing to follow the specific directions laid out. Life comes at you fast, I know that. And I have all the problems others have maybe more, maybe less but they are there. Family, finances. responsibilities and such. If I am willing to have my fear removed? All the troubles are just life and not to over power my gratitude for my day living sober and free. Knowing when and how to give. Knowing when to speak and when to listen. I am willing to see my true self. To stand corrected, make amends if needed. This is what I want today. I want to be humble as much as I can. I want to give freely that others may benefit as much as I can. I want to make it clear that I am no special case. What I have today is freely offered to anyone who wants it. The Spiritual path. There is hope there. Recovery.
It's the weirdest thing. The more you are willing to give? The more you have to give. It just keeps coming. And you keep giving it away.