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Stepsherpa ( alcoholicthinking )

Posted by on in Alcoholism
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Speaking for myself? An alcoholic who mistakes their mind for their spirit like I did for many years? Remains untreated or unable to support sufficient change in overcoming the hopelessness of alcoholism.. Their growth will remain stunted under a self serving low ceiling in an attempt to find a intellectual cure for their spiritual malady.This popular trap is easy to fall into. Denying the Spiritual malady exists.

We're talking addiction on a mass scale today so, of course there will be options offered that feed the masses. It would be irresponsible if there weren't. Like fast food. We as a society feed our bellies and also our minds while opting to neglect the spiritual realm for lack of the instant gratification offered with say, a ready and waiting Big Mac and fries on the fly. Benzos or opiates can rescue a drowning mind from a bad day in seconds to minutes. Meds can change us also but unless followed by an attempt at mind altering willingness of some kind? (Willingness being the key to the spirit). The meds stop and so do we.

Most are at best medically warehoused for a time only to pick up their old mindset again assuming over time a different result awaits. The selfish thinking of the survivor.. As if life would be complete if only they bring back the McRib. In actuality? We're starving ourselves on pork flavored chicken nuggets but at the moment? With a little BBQ sauce? The hunger problem is solved!  No different than making our own arrangements to have our minds meet our needs for a quick fix feel good diet of people to save me, help me in the ever unfolding drama we can't control.. Give me people who understand right now! Who will validate me! But without spirit? We are starving there also as if drinking people until we are overdosed and sick.. 

Like buying a new shirt will bring attention from others? I mistake attention for acceptance. Notice me and I think I know what you think. I love my new shirt so you must also. In my selfish mind and sometimes self seeking actions I arrange you to think like I think so now? I can trust you. It's all about you and me now if only for a moment in time. My needs are met as if my fast food order is ready. The problem here is I alone don't like myself and have just arranged you to cosign me as if you were me. So in reality? Now? I don't like you. How could I? I hate myself already and suffer daily with no self worth and now I have you acting just like me so.. Do I subconsciously make myself pay for being a hypocrite? Maybe...Is there a part of me that is aware of my constant dishonesty yet remains inaccessible? Where I bounce off my low ceiling of self reliance? Yes, maybe, not sure, I don't know.

I need control. I need to create my own emotional security.So I rely on my own selfish thinking to make these arrangements and overcome my fear and self-centeredness, power through it all. Create my above average level of self esteem by stealing some of yours? You now like me so, I now like me. This is the extreme selfishness of the hopeless state of alcoholism as I have seen time and again in my life as I strive to surrender to the Higher Spirit of all things each day to live sober. This is my best thinking. A seemingly ongoing war between good and evil each day sober no different than each day drinking. More mental hopscotch. Nothing changes until I am willing to address the Spiritual malady.

Welcome to my alcoholic world of manipulative behavior to overcome my extreme self centeredness or, untreated alcoholism.. I am self schooled. A survivor. I recognized my overwhelming fear as a child, long before throwing alcohol on it.. This new faux freedom was based on the removal of fear. Choking the root of my problem. I figured it out right away actually by five or six years old.. If I was to survive? Everything was going to need to be about me first. This has been my experience or should I say IS my experience right now sitting here typing?

If extreme self centered fear had a face? It would be in my own inner image. The insides I am afraid to let see the light of day. Not the outsides I arrange the world to see. Not the man behind the curtain. I would do my best to hide in the lives of others, safe behind my self serving stage props. Everyone's performance is for me! I will subtly direct them to embrace me. Run blocker for me? With all of my energy put into manipulating them I assume they feel the same? All of our emotional security is on the line.  They should willingly take a bullet, after all I am doing it for them by putting everything I have into them.. These are my friends. my all or nothing, I am everything to them as they are everything to me, friends. They should match my obsession. But they don't so I am living in a constant state of betrayal as I realize each day that selfishness does not make people friends. I am constantly setting myself up to let myself down. Failing with people. Failing at life.

Self pity consumes me as I see others have, while I am once again the have not. I have no friends. I suffer in abandonment. Another self imposed crisis. All is lost and I really believed I was doing my best for them?  Abandonment? This is how they treat me. Really?

All I was doing was stepping on toes. If I can atleast get a glimpse of myself at fault? There is hope for a rescue. The problem is well? I can't look at myself, I hate myself and can't bear to look. So I move from stage to stage. Person to person. Poor me, I have so much love to give. Nobody understands me. I'm the round peg trying to fit in a triangular hole. Anything but be accountable.

Fear, self-centeredness, selfishness is the order of the day so, putting it that way? The reason I am making others pay for how I feel about myself is quite simple really. I worship them. I expect them to save me and they don't.

Think of it like this.. In the Christian Religion Jesus is worshipped as the Son of God.. Metaphor, Deity, Holy Spirit, whatever.. As a Christian I bow to Jesus and humble myself to Him in willingness. He is everything, all things come to me before the Christ. I worship the Christ yet although much is on blind faith, I still turn to Jesus for all things good and bad even though I can't actually see and touch Jesus.. Jesus is still the beginning and end of all.. Jesus is willingness. Although I myself am not Religious? I do get it. I don't deny it. There is a Spiritual realm. A concept where I am willing to believe in something I believe is all loving and powerful that lacks scientific fact or proof. I myself provide the proof. What others believe matters little..

Well, I worship the guy across the street with a brand new lawn tractor I wish I owned, in the same way. With the same amount of energy, misdirected willingness or selfish willingness if you want to call it that? He is everything and I'm not, just like Jesus. Except I'm giving myself to Jesus with my all and I'm using my all to steal from the lawntractor guy. Here lies my missing link which is to me? My bad management. My unmanageability. I choose to make decisions based on selfishness to overcome fear that put me in a position to be hurt...Again. My resentment and anger is just as powerful as my faith in God. Actually I can get my needs met quicker with resentment. So selfishness usually wins out over Spiritual demonstration.

Spirituality. Mentally, emotionally, I am what, jealous? Intimidated? This is all fear right? Angry? I attempt to overcome fear myself with the power of self will. I search for proper retaliation to raise my self esteem and overcome my fear? I jockey for position with character assassination and such to overcome my fear while using others? Stealing from the people pool. I am stealing my emotional security from others now. These people are now victims of my delusion. In my arrangements I can believe I want what's best for everyone as long as they do as I wish. I'm the director. You there...You be the tree and You be the rock. You say this when I say that. Constantly rewriting my script expecting others to roll with it abandoning themselves for me and my wishes. After all I am doing it all for them? I know what's best for them?  Believing by my intensions, I am all things to all people. How could anyone deny this? Deny me! Well, except for the few who jockey and deny my wants. They are the enemy and must be destroyed immediately of course before they can steal the show. 

He's rich, he's a jerk. He paid too much for it. His mother left him money etc. Anything to validate myself because in my self? My fear? He is everything while me? I'm not even close to measuring up. I measure him with his new stuff as the standard I am to live up to. He has the power. He sets the bar. He is taking my job by setting the standard. Relieving me of my power!  I am now worshipping him for my existence really. He's all I can think about as I struggle for control.

While in Jesus I worship with surrender? I have faith in the Spiritual realm of existence. There is peace, freedom, no expectations to overcome my fear. The problem has been removed. Fear is gone.  So... I am willing to give and fear is removed? I stop giving? I go toe to toe with fear alone except for the power of people to manipulate as my only ammunition. I begin to immediately take or steal, fight. The fear may go for a time but inevitably comes back so I fight it again maybe with a different approach and different people to use. Anything but surrender. If only I could see this as the basis for right and wrong or rational verses irrational thinking. But I can't so no use dwelling on it or waiting for the world to change for me. I can at least understand where all my unresolved issues of guilt, fear, and shame come from. I am constantly setting myself up to fail! It's me again, failing!  Me and my life as an extreme example of self will run riot. Give it to me I'll fix it! When there's nothing wrong except my misguided willingness to selfishly improve what isn't broken. I am the producer of confusion rather than harmony as the Book suggests. Constantly in conflict with somebody or some thing.

In AA Big Book 12 Steps the concept of Spirituality is explored in depth. A way out offered in the acceptance of a Spiritual malady underlying all things in and around me. I have made a decision and chosen this suggested Spiritual path. Accepted this journey this morning actually upon being Spiritually Awakened a few hours ago. I've been at this a while and have not mastered it by any means, this I also understand and accept. This seems to be fact. Not negative fact, just simple fact. Living one day at a time is best for me but I must also realize we are all in different days. It's best to concern myself with my own and for the most part let others concern themselves with their own. Also my Spiritual reprieve should continue for my lifetime. But what about my willingness? I have become willing to stop digging as they say around the halls. Sure I have deep rooted issues surrounding my fragmented character development. I still lack simple coping skills as if nomatter what I do they may never be fully restored or considered the norm. So I say? It is what it is. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

To be the best I can be today? I will surrender myself to the Spirit. The Higher Power? The God of my understanding. I have willingness. I am willing to grow in understanding and effectiveness. I'll do whatever I can whenever I can to serve those in need as I have been served.   Basic really, nothing award winning or too complicated.. Emotional support, food. Positive affirmation. Manners. Morals. All the gifts I have been given I will share freely without expectation. Yes, I may have to work at it at times sure, but I am willing. I have surrendered myself and am willing. I have no need to steal as I have nothing to steal. SMy first thoughts are nolonger selfish. OK sure I'll lock my garage but I'm talking about stealing from a Spiritual standpoint. The emotional thief. I will give what I have found on the suggested Spiritual path freely in hopes of no expectations on who takes or what is the result of my giving. I will pray to give freely..

 

Now. I'm not saying there's any guarantees but I have been at this whole Spiritual AA Big Book thing for a while now. Once the Spiritual obstacle is overcome? It is a stepping stone of courage and strength needed to first, face our past so we can see ourselves. Then recognize what we can change. Be free to live in the present without the reoccurring insanity forced on us by our own chaotic selfishness and fear rehashing the unresolved past in search of a more suitable ending...Names and faces change sure but the need for others emotional security? It stays the same so the Spiritual malady is addressed first. There is no intellectual cure for a Spiritual malady. It's apples and oranges. Only with the Spiritual willingness offered can I begin to use my mind unselfishly in life. Only then can I live sober. 

I have chosen the AA suggested Spiritual path with it's courage and strength offered to face life successfully.. On this path I have been brought face to face with my demons (may as well call them demons) monsters, and she devils, I had nolonger reason to hide from. Who have seemingly lost their power before me and my Spiritual willingness. It's the weirdest thing as if the bad acid trip was finally over. Oh, I'm still tripping occasionally but as if in a short flashback where I quickly come back to the safety and security of my sober reality. An acid trip is not a way of life today.

I live a life today that only applied to others I was afraid of, especially when drinking. As if on the Spiritual path there are only round pegs and round holes? Where all I had before was the fight everyday to fit, never right sized, never a part of anything.. Always outside looking in, apart from. Their emotional security scared me as I couldn't control it. I couldn't steal it and it wasn't for sale. Their financial freedom was a threat as I was only prone to wayward selfish decisions surrounding an effort to make me look feel good about myself in hopes of measuring up to the standard I was convinced you stole from me. Anything else would mean failure and I couldn't be a failure. I already was a failure so what comes next after failure? The nothing. You become a nothing. I had become a nothing. Booze or no booze, still a nothing. New people? New picture? New canvas? Still a nothing. Until I was willing to put down the paint and brush the abstract picture could never end.

So hey...I'm done today. I've given up the fight and I like it. I like myself. Does this make me weak? Passive? Unmanly? Some would say so. But in my world right here right now? As I ponder how I can be a part of my day today. As I feel my purpose grow around me by the minute? My willingness is strong, My surrender is absolute. Now I have the true power, the unseen power devoid of selfish motive and stage presence. Today is a good day. How I can offer my Spiritual gift freely wherever? Share what has been given to me.  What can I do today to serve my God and fellows?  If I remain willing I stand a good chance of seeing an opportunity when it presents itself or even creating it from simple willingness. I have options today, nolonger trapped in self centered fear with all it's impending doom. Nolonger the need to fight for control. I am who I am, I see who I've been. I don't have to hurt anyone anymore, use them to meet my emotional needs. I don't run my day under the fantasy of my intensions. The Higher Power provides all the security I can give away and keeps it coming. The more I give? The more is there each day to give again..

I am not ashamed of my past or my current handicaps surrounding a perfect world that does not exist.  I have no reason to fear them. To compensate as if I must meet the high standards seen from the eyes of the low. Tear down the bar so I myself can rise above it, no.. Be who you are and do what you do. What a feeling of freedom offered by simply surrendering myself. Having my selfish existence replaced with a whole new attitude and outlook on life. I have found the one thing I always knew was hidden in my fabric yet I alone could never bring to light. Being unafraid, being able to give what I got. Offer myself up for no reason really? Just a willingness to share my willingness..

And like my old sober friend Dale used to say? It works it really does.

 

 

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