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Stepsherpa ( AA, Alanon, and Alapet )

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I rescued my cat from the New Hampshire wilderness. Poor thing. A seemingly helpless kitten sure to become tasty "take out" for any number of predators lurking in the woods beyond the tree line. She was infested with fleas, the hard shell black ones. Mountain fleas. Not the soft shell city flea you can simply pick and squish. No, his or her (not sure) little body had been invaded. It was up to me now. My compassion, my feminine side. I would save her. Rescue her from eminent danger, the seemingly natural course of events to come. I knew what was best and stepped up. I am an AA man on a mission from God.

 

Actually? She was not that much different than my girlfriend I met at the AA Christmas Alcathon. Not the him/her thing. The rescue I mean. She was being serenaded by a group of blood thirsty vampires and I was there to save her life..These men and boys wanted one thing only. To make her their zombie. Their own personal stay home mom. A permanent security blanket at home so they could cruise the AA circuit feeding on the flesh and feelings buffet. Sucking on the emotional security of the new girls. I would change all that and make her mine. I would treat her right. She will love and respect me in return. I'll give her a good healthy AA life.

 

Anyway..I went straight to the pet store and bought the high dollar dual diagnosis flea collar. Money not an issue here when it comes to saving lives. It was guaranteed to kill fleas and also pretty much anything else living within a two foot radius.  A hasmat suit, respirator, and rubber gloves came in the box so, I put on the gloves.. After a few days with this collar on she was certified clean. Job well done. Eh, except for an odd eye twitch that supposedly would subside with a little time and was considered a rare side effect. I tried to read the chemical make up of the flea collar but to no avail. I was used to seeing buzz words like high fructose corn syrup while analyzing ingredients and not familiar with chemicals surrounding the breakdown of a flea's nervous system resulting in death. I tried to make out the tiny words, something something Nazi something, twins maybe. Not for use on kittens. Strange. 

This reminded me of my current AA search and rescue mission. The kittens fleas and my Miss Right Now true love that introduced me to Crab lice. Sure she was cute and cuddly and she would fall asleep on my lap but damn! What a wake up call that was. Up and awake from a deep sleep I felt as if I had a bad sunburn sleeping in a bed of fiberglass insulation. This is why they're not called teddy bear lice. Then the full court press bum rush to the (as seen on TV) section of the pharmacy for some industrial strength (Crabs be Gone) and hey look? Clearance. Crack addict Barbie. Pot roast flavored Slimfast..Yikes!

 

So after trying kerosene, gasoline, acetone, engine degreaser, lye soap, pool shock and a few other things in the garage without labels that looked especially toxic... I called a close confidant who suggested lighting my infested area on fire and putting it out with an ice pic. No help there.

 

Anyway, Crabs are bad. Don't get Crabs. Thank God and Quinn the Eskimo for relief finally. Once the Crab infestation was cleared up and feeling returned to my hoo ha? We were happy with the new life AA provided and the wisdom of a few weeks sober to pass on at the Wednesday nooner discussion meeting like, do not sit on the toilet seat at the Wisecracker Lounge? The Winning Ticket? Or the Bitter End.. One of those three definitely.. I believed her. She was sober two full weeks of continuous sobriety. Fourteen days. She wouldn't lie to me, she loves me. Once we could have sex again and had something in common? Life was good. It's just the few days with no sex was like no TV. We had nowhere to run. 

 

Weird how my new AA relationship paralleled my kitten's. I reluctantly let the cat out and keep a close eye on her whereabouts. What's she getting into in the yard? Is she going to go under the house to use her new 1000 sq ft crawl space cat box? Any other animals around. I was also keeping tabs on my new girlfriend as it just felt necessary. Why would she possibly need to talk to other guys when she has me? It's as if everytime I turn around there she is at the butt can with a new friend. Oh, he's a friend all right. He's just a friend. It's just that with friends like that she doesn't need me. Plus? She doesn't smoke.

 

First sign of dysfunction came when I realized my cat wasn't only "my" cat. She would be anybody's cat for some fresh hamburger. A true hamburger whore. Even day old if not too dry, she was all over it like a cure for cancer.. Her only concerns were, where's the food and let me out and in when I want. Pet me when I'm in the mood. Never rub my belly and scratch behind my ears anytime. Puzzling similarities, like when I went grocery shopping and spent my hard earned paycheck on my girlfriend and I.  Only Rib eye steaks. Sirloin burger. Fresh fish never frozen. With that she was happy I was happier.   Otherwise? Not so much. Distant. Detached. Unavailable. Same thing with the cat! Fancy Feast gravy lovers special edition. Anything else and she's got other plans to be other places or just ignore me and sleep. Like she's depressed and it's my fault. Hey! don't lay your trip on me cat! No... anger never fixes anything. She'll just make me pay by finding some new hiding place and leave me to spend the day worried sick over what I think my cat thinks of me. Bringing up guilt and shame. Adult child issues she knows will send me reeling. She obviously knows how to trigger my co-dependent behavior. The cat must like me so I can like myself.

 

I may have been accused but I don't treat my girlfriend like a hostage. She's not duct taped to a chair. She can do whatever she wants as long as I am in the loop or noose. I'm her best friend so I should know everything. I'm not a controller I just can see her life from a clearer perspective than she, sometimes or actually most of the time. She should know I only want what's best for her. I do everything for her. And hey..Same with the cat. The cat wants to go out? I let the cat out. The cat wants food? I give the cat food. These two are my family, my responsibility. I am here for them.  I need them to listen to me after all I am only one man doing the best I can and they? They're the ones who need my help. Just like my Hispanic friend says. Or maybe he's Portuguese, can't remember. He would sacrifice everything for family. Family is everything. Yeah me too!

 

So evidently. Things are turning bad according to this mornings text message. The ever threatening grey area is growing. My girlfriend is now apparently going to Alanon.  Behind my back? Secrets? She's talking to other people? Trusting other people? The sensitive guys in Alanon with their medium shirts tucked in talking feelings. Woman role models too! What about me? What happens to me now! I don't get it? Why? I go to AA meetings and pay the rent. Buy food, gas..Ok maybe I am lacking a bit in the intimacy department but I'm a man. Like Steve Mcqueen or Clint Eastwood. You don't see those two all lovey dovey all the time talking about feelings and emotional security do ya? No you don't. My job is to protect, make life a safe place for you and sometimes well? Discipline you like the daddy you never had. Like the cat, you would surely die if not for me. I am your everything You need me like I need you. That's not really controlling it more like involved...

 

Ok, I can occasionally complain about money. And well? There isn't always enough for you too. And you shouldn't work just keep the house clean and nice. And hey, talking to other guys doesn't seem right and I suppose I do bring it up everyday, you're right on that one. That whole make your fears happen thing.... Those revealing outfits you parade around the meetings half wearing? Is that healthy? Or going to meetings with other girls I know you're telling personal stuff to about me then saying it's not about me? When I know it is, it has to be. Who else would it be about? You? Why..I'm all you need. No? Then that proves my point. I know you're against me just like the cat. Why don't you take the cat with you next time to your special private Alanon meetings . She's only here to use me for food and a warm dry couch to sleep on all day long. How do you think that makes me feel? Then bug the crap out of me until I let her out at all hours to do who knows what! Kill stuff! If I question anything? I am completely ignored.

 

Go ahead leave! The both of you just move out! There's many more important things I could be doing right now with my life than worrying about you two..I'm going to get a dog. A dog will love me and appreciate me. That's what dogs do!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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