Imagine if you could wake up one day with answers to all your problems. In theory that would be ideal. In reality that will never happen.
Yet for some reason I tried very hard for a very long time to do just that. Each plate of food pushed away certified I was in control of things. Each glass of wine put to my lips fortified the belief I could not only solve my issues but yours too. I’d find the answers. I’d orchestrate the solution. I’d be my own “go to” person.
Yet inevitably the day came when there were no more answers, solutions, or overall direction. I had no idea where to turn because I’d shut out everyone who tried to offer input.
For reasons I may never know, I did listen to one person. She pointed me toward the door that led me to my recovery.
Yet old habits don’t die easily. Always a rather strong-willed woman, those early days in recovery were rough. I wasn't all that thrilled with the idea I’d no longer be in charge or able to forge my way to overcome addiction. All my defiance led me to a solid understanding of a very simple fact.
Recovery is not a self-help program.
Period. Full stop.
I need the insight and practical experience wisdom of people who walked the same path so I can better understand myself and the world around me.
This is why I really enjoy spending time in conversation with women whose recovery I deeply admire. There’s a rhythm to the words we share, bending and weaving though things like, what’s new to what’s causing emotional disconnect to what’s really going on. Collective solutions offered in teamwork fashion are often quite calming even if the subject matter does not pertain to me specifically.
I've learned recovery isn't just about giving up an unhealthy behavior or two. The process of recovery includes accepting the idea other people not only want but actually can guide me through this thing called life.
I need help to unwind the truth from what I've long tried to defend, deny or deflect. The wise friends who create my ever-growing circle of support wrap me in a warm blanket of wisdom, woven together using individual pieces of practical experience.
When in the middle of uncertainty, fear, or unsettling feelings I tend to shut down and hide in my head. Unless I open my heart to the people who have proven their trust these vulnerable times can feel never-ending.
Here are few examples when I've felt this way.
- The first days, weeks, months without alcohol and with proper nourishment
- Sitting in a funeral home trying to make sense a loved one’s untimely passing
- Emotionally difficult discussions with a loved one
- Hearing a doctor deliver difficult words
- Waiting for a response to confirm or deny if what I've written is worthwhile
When I’m in the throes of emotional confusion, my impulse reaction is to escape the uncomfortable, sweaty palm, hand-wringing state. Many moons ago my solution was several glasses of wine without much food. The mental numbing I’d experience gave me the illusion of short-term relief yet there was always, and I mean always, even more layers of disconnect and insecurity.
Today I have other far healthier options to support me if I find myself setting unattainable expectations, over-thinking the smallest of details, or projecting what may never be. One such option is the choice to turn to those who once stood where I stand. The suggestions they offer allow me to widen my perspective and I receive their input with gratitude rather than resentment.
While recovery is not a self-help program, the program certainly does helps the self.
A Moment to Breathe …
Are you still struggling to maintain control of your recovery or move forward via an unguided path? Are you desperately hoping a plan of self-regulation will help to avoid the perceived rough-edged requirements others have suggested? If so, you might want to try talking with those who have the kind of recovery you long for. While no one has the ability to “fix” you, there are so many reasons to believe they just might help you.