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HUGS IN A.A.

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EmbarassedI do not like having to hug men in AA. I had one man expect a hug from me because that is what everyone does with him when he gives someone a chip. I told him. I do not hug in AA. I must have embarrassed him. So I stood up and hugged him anyway. I was so mad inside and humiliated  And told him that was the first and the last hug I was giving. I forgot about it. But he didn't. He made it a point to tell everyone when he gave me my 60 and 90 day chip. He made it appear that it was all so very funny. When I took my 60 day chip. I used that time to express myself since I was asked to speak. I said I do not hug in AA. I asked that my boundaries be respected at that time. I have missed 2 meetings there now. I do not think his joking around at my expense is funny. I have been thinking a lot about that one situation. I realized it reminds me of when I was a little girl. I would be crying and my father would pretend he was filming me and I was an actress playing a scene that required crying. It was so funny to him and all the others that were watching. This happened a lot. My mother expected me not to cry about anything. I was told to shut up and stop screaming when she beat me with a wire hanger. I was so frightened and scared of her I could not stop. Not to mention the pain I felt. People have told me in the past. To grow a tough skin. I do not think that is the answer. Or rather the solution.  I just remembered a time when I could not have been older than 4 My mother had my bigger sisters and brother hold me down. She pulled down my pants. I was naked from the waist down. And she beat me. I was so embarrassed and humiliated. Looking at that now as I write this. I see that she very well could have held me herself and hit me. As she did when I was older. This was one of her mental and emotional abuse. It most likely did something to my older brothers Psyche. Because he started seeing me as a sexual object to abuse. I know I should take this man aside in private and tell to please stop making jokes about me not wanting to hug. I like to be a bug on the wall. When I sit in meetings. Just be left alone. And not call undue attention to myself. He made that impossible for me to do. So I have stayed home where I am comfortable. And I do not have to be around people I really did not  pick to have in my life.

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