I started Addictionland.com so that addicts, in or out of recovery, could have a place to vent and potentially receive positive feedback from other addicts or recovery professionals. Whenever I am about to write, I ask myself what is currently going on in my life. Although it is interesting for others to hear about my dark past and my recovery path, it is always important for me to do a personal inventory about today.
I was very agitated and edgy this morning because I was feeling the pressure of Monday morning, parenting a 5 year old child that moves at his own pace, not having time to experience romance with my husband, a new boss at work, less time to manage my work due to a new fleet policy about driving and talking on the phone and the regular high expectations I hold for myself in almost all areas of my life.
I was ready to leave the house as Queen Baby, griping about all that I have on my plate and spoiling my own day, when my husband called out to me and said, "Honey, come get a hug." Reluctantly, I walked over to him and his embrace magically reduced my tension. Next, I got into the car and Lady Gaga was in the CD player. My son loves dance music and began to smile and dance in his seat. It was hard for me to hold on to my anger watching his whole face light up and witnessing a rash of freckles breaking out across his nose.
I thought to myself, "Thank God for the recovery process. I still have defects and I still entertain playing the victim, but practicing the 12-step principles in all of my affairs, minute after minute, day by day, makes it virtually impossible to stay in my defects for too long. I am completely aware of my choice to stay in the problem and suffer or pray for relief and move into a solution.
I have countless blessings to focus on if I just let go and experience them all. I dont need to live in the past or worry about tomorrow. When I get overwhelmed with emotion, I can ask my HP to free me and I can put my attention on something Good in the world. Often, because of my 12 step training, I am the Good I need to see. I can rely on my own positive behavior to shift my thoughts and my perspective. I can act my way into right thinking.
No one puts me in the pressure cooker like I put myself. Life gets hectic, hard and overwhelming for everyone on Earth. My recovery message for today is about how I will handle the cards I am dealt in life. I can choose to say, "Why me? Why is my life so hard?" or I can choose to say,"Wow, God must think a great deal of me to present me with such challanges. What tools can I reach for to help me digest what is currently on my plate. I never have to digest it alone and, more often than not, I have a lot more time than I imagine to consume my issues. A bite at at time, anything can be handled and without a drink.
P.S. Page 63 of the AA Big Book includes the Third Step prayer as a remedy to my character defects.