Halloween was once a miserable holiday for me. I never worried what lurked in the shadows because the demons and goblins lived inside my head. I was filled with fear and dread and anxiety. Addiction will do that to a person.
Addiction is all trick and no treat. It lures you in with the promise of peace of mind and strangles you when you begin to realize it has your neck in its grip. I recall one Halloween night that was my own vivid Fright Night. My friend and I started celebrating the event the evening before at a bar and ended up at an apartment with another girl who did more cocaine in one sitting han I ever saw before.
Together, we consumed an eight bàll which led to a giant panic attack in my friend and a psychotic episode with this new acquaintance. I am very sad to say I drove my friend and myself home in this dangerous state at 5am (thankfully no one but addicts like us were on the road) and ended the night crying while leaning over a toilet bowl while the contents of my stomach and my hope left my body.
I like to remember how hollow I felt in my addiction. It keeps my memory green. It gives me gratitude for Halloween celebrations like this one when I can dress up for the sheer fun of it and not because I have something to hide. I can experience the joy in watching my son believe that, just for one night, he really is Captain America! Children raised in a 12 step environment are truly some of most fortunate children of all. The 12 steps lead you down the road to your true potential and what morsel is sweeter than that?
All my best,