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HELP - Married to an Addict

Posted by on in Drug Addiction
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I've always heard that putting your feelings down is suppose to help so here I go. I've never blogged before. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I guess that I am to the end of my rope and I'm hoping that someone may give me some feedback or advice. I am a recovering addict. I've been clean for over 7 years by the grace of God, but I'm not actively in a 12 step program. My husband is also an addict. Actively using as we speak.
He does good for a few weeks and then falls off the wagon and uses for several days. I'm tired of living this life. We have 3 boys who are 15, 13, and 10. The 13 year old is my step-son and doesn't live with us.
I try to keep my husbands using a secret. I don't want my boys to know what their dad is doing because I don't know what kind of effect it will have on them. I also keep it a secret because I am ashamed. I don't want people to know that my husband is using again. I guess I don't want to hear all of the I told you so's.
I am depressed. I don't know what to do. I want him to stop using. I know enough about recovery to know that he isn't doing this because he doesn't love us. I know this but it is so hard to keep this fact in mind. I'm a recovering addict, I know this but it just doesn't seem to help. I know that he love's us as much as he is capable of loving us. But, if he is using then he doesn't love himself. If he doesn't love himself then he can't love anyone else. My husband is such a smart, funny, loving person. I don't want to loose him but I can't keep living this way. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of emotions constantly going up and down. I'm tired of waiting for the next slip up. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I'm tired of worrying if he has taken too much and won't wake up. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want a normal life, a normal family.
Tagged in: addict codependency

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