Journey and Ramblings of Recovery by Author, Catherine Lyon . . .

I continue my recovery from my book "Addicted To Dimes" and information about my Addicted Compulsive Gambling, Childhood trauma & abuse, Dark family secrets, Recovery, and I ADVOCATE for those who can not, who have no voice, who suffer from Mental & Emotional illness & disorders. Gambling addiction is REAL, and it destroys lives. I have no ill will towards those who can gamble normally, but I many others can NOT. It's time we talk, inform, educate, and SHATTER the STIGMA of those who choose to live life in recovery! And for those who battle these other important topics.

  • Home
    Home This is where you can find all the blog posts throughout the site.
  • Login
    Login Login form

Dear Gambling Addiction, "It's Time To Say Goodbye For Good"

Posted by on in Gambling Addiction
  • Font size: Larger Smaller
  • Hits: 6799
  • Print

From: Author, Catherine Lyon
Recovering Addicted Gambler
7 yrs in Recovery on Jan 29th, 2014
1996 to 2007-I was addicted


Dear Addicted Gambling Disease,
It’s time to make amends To ”Myself”……
.


.

It has been some time now since we have been together, or had any contact between the two of us. Seeing it’s the Holidays once again, I thought I’d drop a few lines to catch up on the years we have been apart. Things have been going really well for me these past years. Yes, you have crossed my mind through those years, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you that it is “Truly” time to “Say Goodbye” forever. Because it hurts for it to be so final….
.

But we seem to have drifted apart, so this shouldn’t be to difficult for either of us. We have shared, and been through a lot together. With some good times, and NOT so good. Many of those bad memories are pretty tough to forget. Because I didn’t see how you HURT ME in our friendship. I didn’t understand, towards the end of our break up that you could be so CRUEL & Hurtful….WHY?
.
You don’t understand what I’m talking about? Please, do I have to remind you of all the times you were just an ASS to ME? You really want me to go THERE?

.

.
Why don’t we start around the time we first met. We had seen each other around a little, in Reno once a year, or at the Indian Casino 40 miles from my home once every few months. But where we got to know each other really well, was at a Oregon State Lottery Retail stores. It was where you and 5 of your buddies seemed to be each time we ran into each other. Then I started seeing you at all the Bars and Taverns around town, and even in some of the restaurants I went to eat at with my husband. OH don’t get your panties in a bunch!, I know you were always “Jealous” of Tom my husband, the first time you saw us together. I never understood why you didn’t like Tom, and why you were always HELL BENT to do anything to break us apart?!
.
I know it was YOU who was always there for me when I was tired, bored, lonely, had too much time on my hands, and when Tom worked out-of-town those few years. That’s when you and I got to really know each other, spent many, many hours together. But, after Tom stopped working out-of-town, YOU changed, and you were making me change with YOU. You kept calling me to come play, to have hours of more fun with YOU. You began to take more and more time from me, away from my family, friends, and even from my JOB, until you had me isolated from everyone! You were so controlling and costly.
.
Then, to be able to spend more time with you, I had to lie about where I was all the time toward the end of our friendship! You were also costing me a fortune in money, more time, jobs, our home. You even had a hand in me being “Arrested” and a “Criminal Charge” and had a record for a while, because I stole from someone just to be able to spend MORE TIME WITH YOU!  Just for us to be able to hang out together. That’s when YOU began to just take and take from me. IT HAD TO STOP!

.

.
All those wasted trips to the Casino’s, getting tired of driving up there in dangerous weather, so I spent hours walking up the street to the “Oregon Lottery” retail shops where we first met. You know the ones that all over the state of Oregon. Those mini casino’s there. You know, the video poker machines that YOU called your home. You were SO powerful over me. Yes, you would let me win every now and then to keep your claws in me, so I’d sit for hours until every penny was gambled back. You kept stringing me along, with all your bright lights, bells and whistles. Even when I didn’t spend time with you behind your Magic Machine, your spell followed me 24/7 in my thoughts and my thinking.
.
My mind and soul was so addicted to you, that my thoughts would spin round and round in my head until I wasn’t eating properly, or sleeping. Nope, I’d gotten so obsessed with you that even my husband and I started to fight and argue over YOU!
.
But in 2002, when I was at my lowest point in my life, you betrayed ME even more. You made me learn how to not want to “FEEL” or ”THINK” anymore. I became numb. You taught me that any little “Life Event, Disappointments, or Arguments,” can be “Blacked Out” by hours of gambling. Pushing your buttons, feeding you $20 after $20, then $50 after $50, until I had no more money to give you. At the same time, I lost my best friend to Cancer, my mom passed not long after that, and Tom’s nephew died from a motorcycle accident a day after my mom’s funeral. My LIFE was spinning out of control!
.

As all this was happening to me, you turned your BACK on me when I needed you the most! I was going crazy in my own skin. You shut me out, and you took me to a very “DARK” place we had never been before together. I was chasing you and my money, running and gambling 2,3,4, times a day just to find you.

.
Then when I did find you, you became MEAN, started showing me all my “PAST” hurts & pains of my childhood. You held my hand so tight that I couldn’t stop seeing those abusive pictures over and over in my head. Then there I was, sitting on my couch, in BLACKNESS in my head, and you were nowhere to be found again. But you did place all the kitchen knives in my reach. Yes, you were trying to get rid of me, JUST LIKE THAT!! All I remember was waking up in the hospital with my arms and wrists bandaged. My husband telling me I’ll be ok, then another needle, another shot to drift away again. I then opened my eyes in a “Mental/Addictions Crisis Center.”  Thanks to you, I stayed there for a couple of weeks. You never came to visit me.
.

.
I finally began to learn what the hell you were really all about. You have NO idea how hurt and disappointed I was over you. Your were supposed to be my friend? Why did you want me to DIE? Why had you become so angry and mean to me? I was so confused….
.
I didn’t understand. After all we’d been through. I was so broken without you. Slowly, just like you did to me, I learned all I needed to know about you. For the first time in years I was feeling HOPEFUL again as I learned “Tools & Skills” to leave you. How destructive and unhealthy of a friend you were to me. You left me my soul “Spiritless,” so black and empty inside. You almost cost me my 24 year marriage & my LIFE! HOW DARE YOU! And I LET IT HAPPEN…..

.
SO YES, it is time to say our final ”Goodbye” forever. You see, as if this episode wasn’t bad enough, you kept coming back after all time and again, relapse after relapse! Just as I was getting my life on track, my marriage was working again, my treatment was working, you came back to try to “Finish” what you started in 2002. At first I wasn’t listening to you. I knew you were never my friend, you wanted me DEAD. You knew I’d been diagnosed with mental illness on top of trying to get OVER YOU, and stay in recovery. And even as I started a recovery treatment program, going to gamblers anonymous meetings too, you kept calling nagging me until I’d give in. I just didn’t understand this “Magical Spell” you had over me, more like a “CURSE”……..
.

.
BUT, their I was, right behind your “Gosh Damn Machine” again! WTF? How can this be happening all over again? I’ll tell you,….It’s because you taught me very well about trying to “Control My Gambling Addiction, my Friendship” with you, and you also taught me to be in Denial, to use Blame, and make me believe that gambling was ”HARDER” to stop then it was to stay in recovery. Your sick excuse you called a friendship was dripping with Shame, and stripped my self-worth, confidence away from me. Until I looked at myself and only saw an empty shell of a woman that used to be so Funny, Vibrant, and Beautiful inside and out.
.

Yes, you taught well. This time you were even more “Cunning and Baffling” to me. And when all the MONEY was gone, you made me think it was OK to “Lie, Steal, Cheat, Pawn, and Sell” anything Tom and I worked hard for. You were building an even bigger WEDGE between my husband and I to the point I was going FREAKING off the RAILS again! You brought me back to that “Dark Place” again. Because you had talked me into thinking I was “NORMAL,” and didn’t NEED to take my medications for my “Bipolar Disorder,” and Manic/Severe Depression. As a matter of fact, things got so out of control in 2006 so fast, that you and I thought it be best to just “DIE” then try to stop gambling as it felt just to hard to do again.
.

.

WELL, of course YOU are going to say that, “That all the “CHOICE’S” I made were mine alone, but you know you had a hand in ALL OF IT! Soon again I woke up in a Mental/Addiction Crisis Center~Via the hospital AGAIN! I didn’t want to take all my medications all at once, but I just didn’t have the courage or strength to start recovery all over again. I just didn’t have it in me thanks to YOU!
.

.

But, I did start over again, along with my “Higher Power” by my side (God). I remember hearing these whispers in my ear while in the hospital for a second time. They were faint, but I heard them. I know it was a “Power Greater than Myself” telling me that I have too much to do here on earth for others.

In that moment,….I felt something change inside me. Many say that’s bullshit, well I’m here today to tell you it’s NOT. I had prayed for years to “God” to help take away all those “Triggers & Urges” away from me, and that I’d do the rest of the work. Well, in HIS time not MINE, it started to happen. The triggers and urges became less and less as I worked hard in my recovery. It took time, treatment, and a lot of one on one meetings with my addiction councilor, and gamblers anonymous meetings. But soon I was racking up days, months, and years away from you. I wanted you to HURT, JUST as much as you had HURT ME!
.

So that is my purpose today with this letter to you my old friend. It is a letter of “Closure”as it is time to really say “Goodbye” to you forever. It’s time for me to make amends to myself, and forgive myself of my past Gambling Addiction and Friendship with you, and the people I’d lost and hurt along the way. Yes, we had many good times, but the bad has out weighed the good. I have come to a place in my Life in recovery to know I’m NOT a victim of what happened to me as a little girl anymore. I’m strong enough to know that it was not my fault. My past doesn’t define the woman I am today. I NO LONGER ALLOW YOU IN MY LIFE……..WHY?
.

But you used me. You also used my PAST against me in our friendship, and “REAL FRIENDS” don’t do that. At times I wish this could be different, but I no longer need to think of you anymore. See, Real Friends love, care and support you in life. My life today is so happy, fulfilled, and I’ve been making all my “DREAMS” come true without you. So many blessings and doors have opened for me. So it is time to part forever. I really never thought this day would come for me all those years ago. I still and always will remember the worst of our friendship, as it keeps me from becoming “Complacent” in my recovery. I remember when I could not EVER tell myself I will NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN. When I did, you’d make me want to. That’s how I was able to string together day after day in early recovery.

.
Many say God doesn’t perform Miracles. They use the excuse that they can not believe in something or someone they can NOT SEE. I pray for those people who say, or who feel this way daily. WHY?…..Because ”GOD Truly Does Performs Miracles.” I AM one of his Walking Miracles in Recovery!……..

So Goodbye Gambling Addiction,
“Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow”

Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon

.
*COMING TO WISH ALL MY "ADDICTIONLAND" FRIENDS A VERY *MERRY CHRISTMAS DAY* AND SOBER<CLEAN<AND "BET FREE" NEW YEAR*!!

I live life in recovery, but my "PASSION" is also writing, blogging, authoring more books, and Advocating to help others in recovery. To help educate the public on the dangers of becoming addicted to gambling. I've achieved almost 8 years in recovery. I recently had to relocate from So. Oregon to Sunny Arizona. I've been married to my Soul-Mate for 25 years. I'm a Christian, a Cat Lover, 1/2 Italian and I have a Big Voice! ...LOL.


website by DesignSpinner.com | © Addictionland LLC