A Doctor who shoots himself up with a high powered sedative in the attached garage and hopes to make it to the bedroom before he passes out? Makes sense to me. Or should I say yes, I can imagine it happening. As they say around the halls? I identify. I can't really compare because I never had a garage and home and dope at the same time. But that's me. And the Doctor thing? I have no idea what it's like to be a Doctor nevermind finish High School. I received a G.E.D. at 35, 8 years sober. I wonder how I can identify with the Doctor Alcoholic Addict at all?
Well? For me? The story of the Doctor and his wife Max isn't really about how much booze or drugs were consumed. It's what happened afterward in sobriety. Being willing to become honest with myself and risk everything by looking at the bigger picture. A willingness to accept a larger picture that includes others where yes, they too have lives and feelings. The 12 Step revelation that, I myself, although living as the extreme example of self will for my entire life? Cannot rely on booze or high powered drugs for relief. And honestly? Although I can't really describe what exactly willingness is? I am willing anyway. There's a kind of power there. A courage.
I am at this point newly sober again and willing to consider the "in my face" fact that life and everyone in it isn't all part of my own personal stage show. It's simply not all about me and I am tired of being a survivor. Always reacting to the world actions as if it's me against my delusions everyday. As if I'm so full of fear I can't see outside of myself. The Book mentions a self imposed crisis I cannot postpone or evade. I kind of get that. Like, it's me. I am creating my malady. Not as if everything is my fault, more like the facts are in and I'm at the center of it. More like, it is what it is. When whatever it is comes around to me and I am involved? It just goes off the rails. I can't put rational thoughts together. I can only create selfish confusion. It's all I can seem to do whether I want to or not. It's not my fault if I have no options..
I've been the director sure, I am running on selfishness to compensate for extreme self centered fear forever arranging people places and things to validate me. To provide me with a sufficient emotional security boost to face myself whoever I am in whatever situation. As the permanent director I have the benefit of being all things to all people. Creating what I believe to be a neutral safe zone in all my affairs. After all? I am rewriting the script every time it comes to me. But how? How can I risk letting others take the lead in the show? What if they don't like me? I know they won't like me. Then what? I fail or others fail and it's my fault? The extreme self centeredness again?
No, this isn't going to be easy. Letting go of my control. Letting others be who they are. Loosing the power of control and being simply a participant. Sure I can see it. I can talk about it. I just don't know how to do it without a self seeking string attached. I am afraid if I let go they will turn on me. All I know is right now just staying sober and going to meetings, I'm fighting for everything I have which is not much. My picture is actually small for something that supposedly encompasses the world and it's people.. So what do they mean by we ceased fighting? What else is there besides fighting? If I let go of fighting I let go of myself? Then what! Maybe they mean I just need to take myself out of the middle of it. Of everything.
To be willing to look at the people we resent as perhaps sick. Like ourselves? I'm going to need to see myself first. The Book suggests asking my Spiritual higher Power for direction. Asking the God of my understanding. Ok. I can do this.
Well? I have this enemy. I hate this guy. I don't trust him. He's a sleaseball Bible thumping scripture spewing Jesus freak pot head who is entitled to be unaccountable because he believes Jesus and him are special mates. He's one of the chosen that's going to float up into the heavens in his God given asbestos underwear while those Pagan dogs like myself get pummeled and burned under raging fire and brimstone. He absolutely will not listen to anyone about anything if it even is remotely earthly. Like the medical fraternity is screwed up, society is screwed up, automakers, science, people, even my friend who is Christian but not the right kind? The Buddhist neighbor who should just die because they are false profits. Or worship a false profit. Or something bad.. So how am I supposed to accept this guy with all "his" intolerance. It seems as if nobody is good enough for him!
Whelp? According to the Book? Apparently by me talking of his intolerance I myself am intolerant also. Yet I seem to feel that I am on the side of "good" intolerance so it's ok? Plus I have the power of the people as my defense, right? Besides Jesus fanatics creep everyone out don't they? I can find a quick co-signer there for an emotional security boost.
And potheads? Lesbian haters? I'm better than him aren't I? Eh..Not really? Wut? If anything I'm acting the same with a few different judgements attached. Same attitude, different content. I guess well, maybe, I hate him as much as he hates others. Could this be as simple as I'm afraid of him and we both suffer in selfishness and fear? Give me a break! So, im intimidated by Jesus freaks because they may well have something I don't, that actually works or is real to them? Jesus really did save them and they really can memorize scripture when I just don't get it, any of it. Don't tell me I'm jealous of Jesus? Wow..
Everything is a threat. I have absolutely no emotional security and retaliation is just the norm for me under any circumstance. Could my fear be creating all this fighting in my life? All the intolerance? Not just how they offend me but also how I see the world.
And I can definitely not smoke pot like they can and seemingly handle it but hey, who am I to say others can't get stoned everyday? Maybe I'm as strict in my Big Book as he is in his Bible and we both miss the point in our efforts to survive. I mean the Big Book isn't about intolerance and neither is the Bible yet here are two of the biggest representatives and we come across as intolerant of everything if it isn't what we each believe. Ok, I can see that he may be sick and well? I am too. Like a couple of egomaniacs with inferiority complexes.
Alright. Maybe my glasses are on backwards here. I'll try . I'll ask for Spiritual help. Courage and strength. I'll try to look at myself and get honest with myself first, so I am able to look at him in the bigger picture. The picture that lets me actually see him and not blocked by my own self-centered fear of him. Stop acting like I'm afraid of him and always just surviving, jockeying for position so he meets my arrangements and I feel ok about myself being better than him. It is fear right? Why else would I fight to control him?
So I ask for help and am thinking. He really isn't much in life. Works part time and gets a check for some major injury some years back. Maybe that's what I resent? He gets a check and looks as if on the outside nothings wrong. He gets a nice house while I bust my ass for a mortgage living week to week. I'm jealous? Am I that small? Damn.. And he goes fishing all the time while I have all the gear but have to constantly work. So, I'm blaming him for how I feel about myself? I'm just picking at the Jesus beliefs thing because it can hurt him if I deny it exists in him. Like ammunition or a tool to hurt. Make him feel like I feel by bringing him down to my level. I'm actually treating him like I treat myself! What the heck!
I heard he goes to Church everyday or just about? I was using it as a sign of weakness. Yet I spend hours in my meditation to remain sober and reasonably Spiritually fit each day. So I'm really saying I'm weak! He's got a girlfriend who's always into some kind of trouble. But they have been together for a long time apparently. Hey, my track record isn't all that impressive. With me as soon as the situation gets tuff well, the tuff get going right out the door. I can't count the people I've run away from or pushed out the door. So what now? I'm jealous of his ability to continually work out life's problems with his partner? As long as I don't focus on their presumed defects, that's what they're doing right? Living life and working things out.. I can't do that very well, yet?
I can't really remember why I hate this guy so much. After all? What kind of friend am I? When I am willing to turn my glasses around and look at myself first? Be willing to get honest with myself as difficult as it can be. I see others in a different light. Not always great but different. I can atleast see them for more than my resentment toward them will reveal. I am not afraid. I'm not all buddies to all people by any means but I don't need to hate them or be intolerant of them to deal with them. They're just people.
That's it then. Today I'm going to be aware of my selfishness. My need to protect myself. The world isn't against me and the people aren't all out to take something from me. No reason to fake it today. I'm not going to act all humble when actually on the inside it's kill or be killed. I'm asking for Spiritual help to relax. To be a participant or a part of it all and not the self-centered hub of it all. I am willing to understand that people have lives and histories, future plans and current situations. All of which doesn't include me.
It's just fear and they're only people. Today I pray to not focus on the negative. HEY..It's already working. I see the neighbor with a new puppy and I think about the future of annoying barking coming from their yard when the real focus should be on how much the little kid is overjoyed with the new pup. Again, it's not about me here. Remove my self-centeredness. God take me out of the equation and reverse my glasses. Let me see what's good about today rather than what's wrong with it. I want to do this. I want to live this way today. I pray to grow in understanding and effectiveness as suggested in the Book.
I wonder what the guy I hated is doing at his Church this morning? I get it now.