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Big Book 12 Steps, Steps 6/7

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Steps 6 and 7. A couple of paragraphs on page 76. At first glance I didn't think there was much to it, I was wrong..

 

I wrapped up my Big Book 5th Step. I followed the directions with my complete 4th Step all there in a big pile of cheap notebooks. I am ready for a long talk like the Book suggests.. There was no real general conversation or even Spiritual or Religious offerings from any others beliefs involved, just what I had written down on paper and my own conception of a Power greater than myself, a Spiritual Path. Everything I had found in my searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, every dark cranny of my past. This indepth inventory of my grosser handicaps was suggested with no other option, just an inventory of my grosser handicaps.. It wasn't a inventory of my team, family, or church, even AA group, it was only me, just my defective character, the flaws in me. We searched out the flaws right? That is what it says right? flaws? Some have an asset and liability 4th Step, good for them. That's 12/12 and talk therapy, not Big Book. The 12/12 meant nothing to me at this point, I had my facts right in front of me so there was nothing really to arrange with more discussion and opinion. There was no sense keeping my hell of a guy awards if I kept throwing away the houses with the mantles to keep them on. In other words, selfishly validating myself with positive affirmations would only produce denial and I had seen enough of my selfish conduct, pretty much every thought I had in my head was selfish.. So I was much too selfish to participate in discussion that could at all be manipulated to suite me. Or the self pity depths of despair where I did destroy our hopeful family dynamic with my drinking but my daddy never loved me so it's really not all my fault right? I get points for that right? I come from an alcoholic home so that's why I'm such a freaken loser right? No, you're done. Just you. Nobody cares how hard you tried or from where you came, there is no alcoholic hardship clause. Either I am willing to take responsibility or I'm not. Besides, every time I need a spoonful of sugar to help me accept myself I run around in circles for 5 minutes and then crash into the coffee table. Before long I'm addicted to sugar and need meds for my mood swings. It never ends for an alcoholic like me. My never ending selfish arrangement.

 

Ok, Step 6. The facts are in, people cannot fix me. I believe my God can. Quite simple really and in my amazement I continue seeking Spiritual courage and strength. Is there really a God? or Gods? or Spiritual intelligence? underlying the totality of life as I see it? Yeah, I can feel myself changing. I believe there is something to it all. My beliefs are getting stronger and I am not afraid, this is new. I can't really put my finger on what exactly it is but there's definitely something going on here. My life is getting better and well? my life never gets better without somebody's help or some new scene where I make a successful get away or maybe push others away and I don't really care? That's the best really when I just don't care and move on. But later when the next arrangement of people fails me or even the one after that, I go back through my life seeking emotional support, now they're important!, now I need them as I scramble for any emotional security I can find. Love me, fix me, validate me, I'm hopefully sorry enough to manipulate a good bit of emotional security.....The worst is when I'm quickly writing my script for a situation I know is doomed from the beginning but am forced to participate. I have nowhere to go, no people to please.  I have failed already but have nowhere to run and nobody to save me. Living in extreme selfishness, the bondage of extreme self centered fear. The frustrated dictator looking for a country to save.

 

Step 7. Yes I have seen myself and yes I have seen my terrible destructiveness. Now the difference is I am not afraid to see myself so, I have answers, an understanding really. I have come from the problem and am now in the solution. I made my 3rd Step decision to surrender myself to the God of my understanding and as my life gets healthier I will be a power of example to the man who still suffers.  I made a searching and fearless moral inventory so I could see myself and what the basic trouble is so I can better serve the new man. I have let my God know that I know and am grateful to become closer to my God. I have become willing to let my God remove from me all the things that are objectionable, all that blocks me from my God and my fellows. I am changing, I or anyone could never seem to do what has been done with the simplistic willingness to believe suggested. Before this 12 Step stuff I couldn't bear to look never mind face any facts about myself. I only saw you, how you're in my way, how you have failed me and now how can I arrange you, us.  Are you going to fix me. Or blame, blame is almost automatic, it's like I blame first ask questions later. Can you believe what they did to me? My life is changing for the better everyday as I put the effort into my Step work. I have come a long way in a short time. I won't give up on myself at this point. I am in the AA program now, not just around it. It's really all I think about or should I say it's what I think about first. The Spiritual program of recovery, my willingness to keep on the Spiritual path.. I am ready. I get on my knees because that is how I surrender. I meditate on what I'm doing for a moment and say the 7th Step prayer, voice it , my 7th Step prayer. I pray from my heart. I pray my God should have all of me, that is everything I am and everything I do. I pray that my God remove from me all the selfishness and fear as I go out from here that keep me from being of service to my God and fellows. I am sober. I have solved the drink problem. I have undergone a psychic change sufficient to overcome my alcoholism. I am willing to learn it's suggested AA 12 Step maintenance for one day. I have then completed Step 7.

 

I am Spiritually fit and my life has changed radically for the better. I am comfortable as I sit alone in my suggested hour of review. It says faith without works is dead, now we need more action, lets look at Steps 8 and 9. I am willing and I thank my God from the bottom of my heart for my Big Book 12 Step suggested Spiritual path. I will live, life is worth living. I can feel it strongly, my whole attitude and outlook had changed.

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