I'm in hospital and really paying attention this time. Is it cancer finally? That's it isn't it Doc, my days are numbered. The Doctor says it's time for a total lifestyle change, I take it serious enough to post it on the refrigerator under a "life is good" butterfly magnet which is front and center and a favorite. This holds a certain importance on the refrigerator. That's how serious I am. I mean, it's not the cancer so, whatever. I'll read it from a 3rd party perspective. Eventually it gets replaced with the MUST PAY TODAY cable bill.
This year? He says it again. I believe this is what normal people refer to as a sign post. Oh there's a sign on the post sure, but I don't see it. Only the post, it's an emotional obstacle or sorts, something to avoid in my path. As far as the sign itself? I want to read it, take heed, action, but no, I'm much too self centered to focus. Even though it is directed toward me, I can't seem to make it all about me, it's not meeting my needs. Others see the sign as a warning and an opportunity to start taking better care of myself but me? I see it as one more reason I'm screwing up, one more failure. Something I must adjust too or fix, more effort on my part. Why, I can't even quit the sugar, I have a membership at the Y and never even go. I'll still have a chilidog treat whenever I please. What am I rewarding myself for? It's like I treat myself like crap and then give myself a cookie for doing it. No, I make myself pay, I beat myself. In stead of a hairbrush to improve my appearance, I pick up a hammer and pummel myself for not having good enough hair. Why can't the world just revolve around me, cater to my every whim? Why am I always whirling around others to make them happy, when do I get my turn? Will anyone ever love me?
Now, if the health concern was directed toward my wife? I'd be all over it with support. Diet, exercise, tripping over myself with health and wellness suggestions. The caregiver. But me? I am still trying to care enough about myself to take proper care of myself. Honestly? Without people I have no use for myself. I literally have no self esteem whatsoever, zero. Unless I can somehow arrange people on my stage, set my approval rating high? there is no show, there is no me. I guess I really am the people worshipper they refer to in the Book. Creepy. That whole insecure MAMA save me fix me thing. She left me and took me with her..ugh. It sure would be nice to outgrow that emotional void of existence and move on.
You like me, I like me. I'm accepted, I'm good enough. But then? With the threat of others involvement fancied or real? I need to be your favorite, your everything. I want you to feel like I do as if you are the most important thing in the world to me. If you don't love me I'll kill myself. I am obsessed, there is no longer any me as I desperately scramble to fill myself with you.
Like when I'm lonely and depressed, no friends, nobody calls, nobody cares...Then the phone rings and I look at the ID and decide not to answer it. Is it another King calling? Someone of importance? Another master of the universe maybe? No? just a friend looking for a connection with me? Sorry, not good enough. I'm either waiting for the world and it's people to come to my rescue or nothing. All apologies, a humble line up of all who have wronged me and caused my depression, all who have hurt me must pay for how I feel. This is my self pity, this is my self destructive power. My bondage of self.
I guess the big question is how the hell does someone like this survive in life. I mean really, simple decisions, jobs, interactive relationships, fatherhood, life's basic responsibilities, even AA. The Book says I am beyond human aid. What does that even mean? Beyond human aid...This is my dilemma. As much as I think I know and understand about life, in reality it is nothing. My keys do not fit any doors, I need others to open them for me. I am a user, a manipulator. A frustrated dictator or sorts. Alone I am nothing, this must change but how without people?
Is it possible there is some creative intelligence beyond the scope of my own understanding? Some power of the universe, some binding force holding all that I sense and feel together? Is this so hard to become willing to believe? No. Faced with self destruction again I was willing to at least see myself for who I was and well? It wasn't pretty.. I could not seem to fix myself but was willing to consider the point that there may very well be some form of power that not only created life but maintains it as well. That is if I am at least life or, I am alive right? breathing?? Ok, so where or how do I find this power? This Higher Spiritual Power.
Coo coo for coco puffs. Three bricks short of a load. One headlight. Yes I am hopeless, I can make an admission of hopelessness. I give up. I'm powerless over people. Not only can I not drink in safety with some semblance of rational thought but people dominate me. And not just one or two. My head is constantly full of them and what they think. And it really makes no difference who they are. I can't go on like this and well, this seems to be as good as it will ever get. Damn I hate myself! I'm just too far gone, I can't turn it off anymore, every thought I have comes with an attachment, me. I'm trapped in this extreme self centeredness, I'm in everything and cannot get out. My mind races uncontrollably from delusional highs and as I settle for less and less, what if's to maybe's to the inevitable unresolved issues I wallow in.. Another failure in that order. I feel as if I have been sliced and diced under the emotional kitchen magician.
God..What do I have to lose really? Life is impossible. I can't live drinking and can't live sober. Ya know? I don't even care anymore. Lets all go hand out Krishna Krishna flowers at the airport. Lets all jump for Jesus. Who's got a guitar? Bring it on! Lets get it over with! Pass the thorny crown, I need some frieken relief! No? What then? What is God?
Listen, God better not be Catholic because my cousin is Catholic and I hate my cousin. And God isn't Jehovah because I know a few Jehovah's Witnesses and they're off the chain. And please no southern Baptist holy roller Pentecostal ordering Spiritual take out in tongues.. And furthermore I'm not giving ten percent of my gross to the Church so the Voodoo Priests, Ministers, Padre's, Guru's and Rabbi's can enjoy Chivas Regal at their open bar as they defend themselves in their great Spiritual war. No, I need a God who is with me in the grocery line. Yes this may seem inadequate as far as Gods go but the Book says it isn't. Willingness is what's needed to make the approach. Willingness is what I have. Pictures and diagrams? No.. Willingness? Yes.. Apparently willingness is sufficient. It has proved to be.
So I'm on my knees. Hands together like I see others doing, the prayer position I guess you would call it. Nobody around. I'm surrendering, it seems like the right way although I really can't be sure. I really have no idea what I'm doing, praying? meditating? surrendering? I'm just willing I guess. I'm willing to believe and now willing to take action. No special format, just me here alone and willing. Is anyone going to say a few words? Well? I'm the only one here so here goes...Now, I want to believe God is. God, I don't know if I'm just crazy or mental health. Maybe I'm too far gone, too damaged, the adult child that can never grow up. Maybe I'm just a run of the mill drunk, maybe just a failure to society like my Father always said. I don't know what I am, all I do know is I just can't take it anymore. I can't take another step. If there is a God and you are there? Please help me.
Well just then the sky opened up and a beautiful blond woman (could've been Irish /Germanish/ Dutchie) in her mid twenties with periwinkle blue eyes came down from the heavens and handed me a suitcase full of untraceable cash along with the keys to a new Corvette convertible (the fast one, the Z something). Well, that sort of happened. Kind of..The truth is I began my life of willingness that day and in this new day? Things that only seemed to apply to others would now be available to me. So weird, like I became a "part of" rather than apart from in one day. I started out with a few moments of peace. I ask for help? I get peace. I ask for help again in the same day, I pray for direction all day? I feel good all day! This is hope, I have hope. I am no longer hopeless. You don't need to be a rat in a labyrinth to figure that one out. No teaser, just me now. Me and my new found Higher Power. The Higher Power thing was just for me? There was something here with this whole God willingness thing and I got a taste and wanted more.
My willingness to grow in understanding and effectiveness seemed to grow stronger. Pick up a pen and take a thorough moral inventory? Who even does that! Be willing to learn to give the gift away without expectation. I still work at it everyday, I want to. I have found a life worth living. I trust in the Spirit of all things, I am a part of it, I give what I have away and get what I need to give away again. I am somehow safe and protected from my self, my selfishness and fear. I have no reason to self destruct, I have no desire to take emotional hostages and by the way, I'm a hopeless alcoholic who with a chip of the Big Book haven't drank in 33 years. Today, one day at a time, I have recovered. I have solved the drink problem and willing to walk the Spiritual Path suggested. My truth is clear, I have undergone a psychic change sufficient to overcome my Alcoholism in the Big Book 12 Step process today. Will I follow the same direction tomorrow as I did yesterday? I believe I will.
So, orange juice and breakfast, exercise.. Perfect? Oh no.. Happy? Grateful? oh yeah.. No cigarettes, no booze or drugs, no dumpster diving dinners. No reason to make myself pay for a life with no understanding. I care today, I pay attention to blood pressure and other stuff. I want to live. I keep Spiritually fit, I care enough about myself today, enough so that I am able to enjoy life, able to serve those I seek. Caring for myself keeps me much more emotionally available, conscious of others and their needs. I broke out! I live outside myself! The Higher Power made it possible. I have purpose, a reason for living I had never thought would apply to me. This is Big Book 12 Steps, this is living sober, who knew?