Tattooed really. The skin I'm in scarred for life with another's mark. As if a shield of emotional security has been stolen, peeled away leaving me exposed, spiritless bloodied muscle and bone. Vulnerable now? Who will it be next? Who will take me and use me then discard me like the trash I am. I am nothing now, I am all gone.. I will never be anything, I can't remember what I was, if I was anything before the abuse, the assault? I am numb.
Will you be my new friend? Yes you are kind and compassionate but I'm afraid that's not nearly enough stimulus for me. I need you to hurt me so I can feel but you don't understand. Who will hurt me? Nobody? I'll have to hurt myself. I will have purpose. With pain I will know how to act. I will relive my horror so I can feel. I am my own victim. How can I harm myself today? My girlfriend? Yes I will create betrayal there. I can mistrust her and feel the fear. Will she leave me or desert me? betray me? Yes. I can never trust her. She's probably cheating on me right now! I am extreme. I need extreme. Fear. there is power there. I can feel the power of fear. But fear alone is too much to handle so I need to balance my fear with alcohol. Alcohol, my anesthetic.
I remember only pain and am full of fear. I drink and forget. I remember again and am full of fear. again I drink and forget. I am alcoholic in full flight from reality now. I can no longer listen. I am too self centered to hear. I have become unteachable. Unreachable. I have lost the power of choice and drink to get drunk and shut my mind down everyday.
It's difficult to explain. Complicated. Piecing together the fragmented life shattered in extreme betrayal. A sexual assault. Is this my fault? Should I instinctively know how to cope with adult situations as a child? And who says stealing another's emotional security is an adult issue anyway. If it is? Well, I never want to become an adult. Why would I ever want to treat people that way? Maybe that's why I never grew up. I was stunted. Stopped in my tracks. Being exposed to the evil of humanity completely overwhelmed me. Shut me down, I could go no further. I had lost the power of choice. Crushed by a crisis I could not evade I simply waited now. Someday someone will come along and fix me. Take away my secret. Make it ok. I'll just wait right here in my imagination. In my fantasy that's acceptable to me where I'm happy and people like me.
Yeah! People get married and have families! I'm sure they will all love me. Work hard and have careers? Houses? A big Christmas tree! Like on TV! Family fun! That's what I'll do. I'm going to have all that as soon as someone brings it to me. Someone new? So I wait. But they don't come. They can't. So I again do what I do to feel. I accuse them of betrayal, all of them whoever they are.. I spiral deep into my fear. My self pity. My noise so I am not alone. Nobody will help me, nobody loves me. I again cannot live with myself so I balance my selfishness with alcohol. I am drunk, I am sober, full of fear.
I get married again to someone I hardly know. Sex is ok and sex means love. I am desperate for love and for a time thrive on my new wife's sex. I use her emotional security and stop drinking but again they/she can't fix me. I use her up quickly until when she is with me I am alone. She leaves and takes the last of my hope with her. I am again in myself, living in my self centered fear and drinking it away. Same as it ever was. Then the harsh reality hits. The people no longer come and the alcohol will not remove the fear. I am beyond human aid.
The jumping off point? I can no longer live with or without alcohol. I can no longer live with myself. What now? People can't save me so God will save me? Get real!
I'm in trouble. The sexual abuse is there everyday. I relive it in tunnel vision. Graphic as if it's happening right now. Is this the reason I'm such a failure? Is this the reason I can't think? Has sexual abuse caused all this? Some would say there are many other factors that lead up to my alcoholic lifestyle of hopelessness and despair. I don't doubt that but also believe the assault was a pivotal point in my life where I jumped track and never seemed to recover direction if in fact I had any to begin with. I guess the only way to know is to go back and have a look around. But I can't. It makes me sick! I am disgusting!
It is suggested I ask God for direction. For courage and strength to see myself as I was. To see what happened. I decide to surrender to a God of my understanding only because I am out of options. I have no choice but to be willing to believe so whatever. Lets do this! I hit my knees and pray to God. My God. A God of everything. I feel good about it. This God of all things. I ask for help. I need some understanding. I can't change myself and can't go on any further. I ask my God for courage and strength.
Well? If you think this is one of those AA stories where the predator and the victim find acceptance and pass the mashed potatoes at thanksgiving dinner while all is forgiven now? Forget it. I have absolutely no respect for him and no desire to communicate with him on any level. Sure he may be sick but still I am not the one to save him or fix him. His problems are not mine just because he forces them on me. I'm going to figure a way to give them back.
So I put him out of my mind along with the actual event. I look at myself and myself only. Damn, I was already a mess. My first reaction was hey! There's plenty of kids who have it much worse than I did and I should just buck up! But I'm not looking at others now. I'm just looking at me. This isn't about everybody else. I've already proven if I do what everyone else does I don't get the same result so, me now, just me. I'm not everybody else.
Although unrecognizable or faceless which I thought was a bit odd. I saw my shadow at 12 years old and could never make out my face. Around this time I had been told to not come back to Sunday school. Trouble got me away from Boy Scouts. I had been to a half dozen schools by then and had no friends really. Always running back to where I lived last in hopes of a friendly face. Then hope fades when where I was before was no different than where I am now. It was also weird that I would never have anyone over to my house because I never wanted to be there. I screwed up a paper route which was apparently a big issue at the time. Was constantly being yelled at by my father for not doing chores or anything right. So I guess when I was dropped off at my grandmothers house to stay in my uncles room with him for a while I had some serious baggage with me. Weird how I never saw it or thought about it before? Now this doesn't make me any less of a victim but it does give a picture of me that I didn't have before. All I had was he abused me betrayed me burned me used me ruined me and I was, well I was just there.
So I'm still asking my newfound God for help and looking at myself. It's apparent that my life stopped developing about this time. Maybe this sexual abuse was the reason maybe it wasn't, but the time frame was right on surrounding my ultimate downfall..
The thought hit me. I think I can change? I have seen quite a bit here. I think I can pick up where I basically left off at 12. How weird is that! I have certainly seen myself in action here. I can see how I just fell down and didn't get up. Well? Maybe I can get up now! Maybe this good look at myself will give me an opportunity to change? Of course I don't have all the answers but I do have some. Enough to begin to care for myself better. Maybe stop hating myself all the time and expecting someone to come and make me happy. I could try eating better. Caring for myself in ways that I relied on others for. Like emotional security. I definitely am going to stick with the whole God Higher Power thing for courage. I like it. I feel hope when I ask for help. Like I am protected. As if the skin I was missing, the protective layer has been somewhat restored. Maybe it's just that simple. I went back to the scene and found it, picked it up and put it back on. Took back what was mine.
I have found a Spiritual Power greater than myself. With this power I believe I have a good chance at facing life successfully from here on forward. This is good. A reason for living. This is really good. Today I practice being good to others. It feels great to feel. I can surely get used to this!