I awoke in confusion as usual. It had been maybe 20 hours since my last dose so I faced my daily (always risky) semi sober reality, a glimpse of my true self. I begin to sweat and assume it must be anxiety? Push off a blanket and, all fixed! But I sense what's coming. It's my body beginning to withdraw. This is my fear. My only fear. The fear that comes with being dope sick. It's inevitable so I must take action now. Just the thought of the impending doom is alarming.

My first morning thought was always extremely selfish but why should I care when it's just me in my secret world of drug addiction.. I mean my absolute first thought is my only thought. Sure I have responsibilities with family, job, even children, finance, but that can wait. It must wait. I need to get up and get to work, shower clothes, all that, and I will. But first? Right now?  My real concern? The absolute first thought for me and me only?   Where are my drugs, what time of the month is it, and (roughly) how many pills do I have left. Do I have enough to feel good or not. I need to know how to feel.

Opiates are my master. The bottle sounds lite, a noisy rattle. I don't read too much into it and take two before I change my mind and take one as prescribed. I bow to my opiates and await direction. I know I'm doing it but don't care enough about myself to care for myself. I leave that all up to the dope. The dope tells me what to do, how to act or even think? The pills will let me know in about ten minutes. So I mull around and wait unable to make a decision without my dope. I have half a cup of coffee, start to wash up, get a few clothes together. I can't complete anything until I'm high enough. So I start doing a bit of everything as if I am accomplishing something..

It's not always easy to validate yourself when you're a junkie. So I make all kinds of plans for the day or week or even my life as I await the master's arrival.. As I begin to feel my friend take me over I think of cleaning up the junk drawer in the kitchen and tonight I will definitely clean the dirty oven when I get home from work.. I imagine a new lawn mower and how my yard will be perfect. I see myself as an equal in my neighborhood. I am high now so the shades come up and windows open! The fear is gone.

All is good as long as I have my pills to live my double life. I conquer my life course for the price of a 30 day script with the exception of one hurdle. The count down to my Dr visit where I am an Oscar winning actor really. I begin talking to myself, rehearsing atleast two weeks in advance.. He'll say this and then I'll say I am in terrible shape with many rehearsed overwhelming physical problems and complaints flowing out in my 10 minute stage presentation. I give and take of course, be smart. I don't want to come off as a junkie but, my life is on the line. I wait in anticipation in my racing mind for the magic moment when He says OK, I'm going to renew your oxycodone for another month. Ugh! I live. I live today! I can drive home and maybe eat dinner with the family now. Watch TV tonight and be a dad.

Sure I could have a heart attack if I don't take my blood pressure pills and maybe diabetic shock from lack of insulin but who cares about that! I have my pan of gold. My opiate script. I'm going to be ok. Now to the pharmacy for judgement.

There's always that one person working who apparently took a course in opiate addiction. She could be a problem? Damn! I see her as I enter the store and assume she sees me and is there waiting to give me a hard time. My head movie begins with me telling her that hey! Loser! You don't know me! You're not my Doctor! You're nothing but a pharmacy clerk, minimum wage probably. Who are you to mess with me! You're a nobody! Fear grips me as I realize my life is at stake here! She asks for my ID. Then gives me the script. It was already called in? Everything is ok? I am polite almost apologetic and leave with my dope thinking wow, that was all in my head? Whatever..

I get outside in the car and do the math. Well? it's afternoon and the script starts today so technically I have an extra pill from this morning? I pop it in my mouth like I stole it. I wait for the little extra treat to take affect. Life is good!

I suppose life as I understand it would be easy living if I had an endless supply of pills. "But"  I don't have an endless supply so here's the problem. I took the extra when I got the script filled. I then took another a day or so later and figured I would just skip one the next day. No problem. The next day came and I put it off till the next. Then I did it again, and again. After a week I was taking my pills whenever I wanted? What the hell was I thinking? I did this last month and promised myself this month would be different. I would follow the script to the letter! Here I am again with my script almost gone and I'm only two weeks into it! I'm afraid to count them but by looking at the bottle and the sound of the rattle? It's bad. I'm in freaken trouble. How did I get like this with some pills? It's not like I'm shooting dope in some city alleyway!

OK.. Alright...I'm almost out. I check the calendar and the date on the bottle. I need a week, where can I get a week? Well? I know a guy who works with a guy I work with so he's a working guy? I can trust him sure. He's got pills. I hear they're expensive but who cares. I'll spend a months rent on a weeks worth of dope. I'm only doing it this one time anyway. As soon as I get my script filled I am absolutely going to follow the regiment. 3 pills a day that's it for extreme pain! No exceptions!

Anyway, he doesn't have any pills but he's got heroin. I don't do heroin I just do pills. Pills are ok right? I tell myself heroin is bad. He says it's the same thing and pretty cheap for what I need. He shows me a little bit of brown powder and says look! A little is all you need! It's harmless really. You get the same high and when you get your script filled then just stop doing the heroin.  I'm boxed in now. I need to get high. I need to get home and pick up my son at soccer. I need to get to the grocery store too. The pressure builds in a weird way and I agree to score some of his heroin. Nobody will know.

It was a great idea. I got my new secret, my heroin. I stop by every few days and grab a bundle. I'm keeping it under control. But one day I was alone and the pressure was unreal. I saw myself as a junkie with all my stuff in life. House, car, stuff. People at work? Do they know? Does anybody know? I felt I deserved a little extra today, this morning. My script was ready so I'd do the rest of the heroin and start new. Yeah!


Weird. I didn't feel the same. I coughed. I coughed again and choked. Was I throwing up? I couldn't be sure. I was choking. I choked. I couldn't get any air. I remember thinking I want to go home. I just want to go home now but I can't.. I'm dead.