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An Addict Is An Addict

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 This is all my personal opinion and should be regarded as such. I don't claim to be an authority on anything. This post is purely an observation. As an addict. It's been my experience that most addicts have more than one addiction. For myself I am a drug addict in recovery, food addict in recovery, and a co-dependent addict definitely in recovery. While I was still using I was definitely addicted to another person. In retrospect my reason for being so compelled to be with a person who was so selfish and cruel and manipulative, it definitely was a harm to me but I stayed because he was able to hit me or rather inject me with meth. That was my main reason for not being strong enough to break away from him, but it was obviously an unhealthy relationship. My family couldn't stand him and knew he was harmful to me. They suspected and we're correct in their belief that he would hurt me. He did raise his hands to me. One time even hitting me so hard that I flew backward and hit the door jamb and busted my head wide open. I had to make a trip to the emergency room to have it glued back together. He wouldn't let me go to the emergency room with my daughter but insisted he go himself as protection against me telling the emergency room staff, that he was the cause of my injuries. On another occasion he choked me so badly that after I had laid down and slept a couple of hours I woke up choking because I couldn't swallow because my throat had swollen almost completely shut. When I woke him up to tell him I couldn't breathe he refused to let me leave to go to the emergency room because he knew I had already been in the past and it would look badly on him. 

This wasn't my first abusive relationship I had been in one when I was 18 years old. I was married to a 31 year old bull rider with two bad marriages behind him. He was incredibly abusive. I've been choked out. I've had nose and ribs broken. I've had both eyes blacked. He was easily much more experienced than I in everything about life. For a little Baptist girl not even out of high school, his knowledge of and experience in sexual things, was far superior to my knowledge. It was almost as though he was a teacher and I was a student. It was four marriages later before I realized my codependent tendency. Now many years later I've been marked by my relationships. As a result I find myself most content by myself and not looking to another person to find my happiness. I've had to learn that my happiness comes from me and the choices I make. No one can make me happy. That's my responsibility. I only have one marriage that I don't regret. That's someone where I conceived both my children. He was good to me we just had issues where it affected our day to day raising of our children. It was also during that marriage that I became a regular IV drug user. My husband and I got into it together. We also began selling it together to pay for our habits when we realized we couldn't afford it just for recreational use. 

I am also food addict. When I wasn't in a relationship I began to eat for comfort. My weight ballooned up to 330lbs before I realized that I had an eating disorder. I think eating disorders are far underrated as a problem in this country. We are an obese nation with children growing up to be overweight adults after watching their parents overeat. During the time when my weight begin to skyrocket, I was but I term a nocturnal eater. During the night I would get up find my way to the kitchen and eat primarily junk food, sweets, chocolate, pudding. I would frequently wake in the morning surrounded by brownie wrappers or crumbs on my bed. Much of the time with no memory of having woke up. It's difficult to control your weight when you cant control your eating. In fact I suppose as far as addiction goes my food addiction it's a one that I still struggle with today. I've got my weight down somewhat but I could stand to lose more. My codependency and my meth addiction are now kept in control with my faith and a good counselor/fellow addict who happens to be an LCDC now disabled. Love you Suzanne. Everybody needs a go to. I'm blessed to have mine.

I want to write this to say that I'm not just a meth addict,  I'm an addict. That label covers a multitude of sins. By my nature I've spent my life struggling with several different issues. I hope to be more relatable with this revelation. God bless you all in your struggles. 

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