My husband and son are asleep after a fantastic night in the neighborhood trick or treating. I love anything, including a holiday, which accentuates innocence and imagination. I love the amazing costumes. I love the taste of banana chews. I love the chill in the airl. I love coming home after the long evening and having a bowl of cereal, instead of a line of cocaine.
Halloween was one of those big party nights for me when I was still out there using cocaine and alcohol. I loved to dress up and pretend to be someone else. I loved the strange vibe in the air and the parties. I thought I was having such a good time until I realized addiction tricked me.
I don't miss hiding the baggies in my costume and snorting lines in a bathroom stall. I don't miss smoking packs of cigarettes because I couldn't stop. I don't miss grinding my jaw and making a fool out of myself. I don't miss blackouts and not remembering where i went or how I got home. I don't miss the wretching from too much booze, the hangovers or the spent money.
Recovery has treated me with the ability to walk my son by the hand around the neighborhood with my head held up high. No one today would imagine or believe the hell I experienced. For a moment tonight I thought, boy it would be nice to be having a glass of wine and a little blow. Then, my recovery voice laughed and replied, "What glass of wine? You would have chugged the whole bottle if you were using cocaine. You wouldn't be at a party. You would be delusional, paranoid, wired and wacked out. You would be miserable, alone and desperate. You ended up in an emergency room from your last party for goodness sake! What do you miss?"
Like I said, recovery is a treat and addiction is full of tricks. Luckily, I don't fall for those tricks anymore.