One of the promises of 12-step recovery is fear of financial insecurity will leave us.  After my first few years of sobriety, I connected with the security of keeping a steady job without a concern for being put on a performance plan.  I no longer missed work, padded an expense account or used on the clock.  At five years sober, I noticed the continual rise in my income year after year and a newfound desire to donate money to worthy causes in addition to AA. 

Now, at eleven years sober, with a large amount of in savings and a six figure income, I am ready to face my feelings of inadequacy in the area of money management.  I do not want to join the ranks of women who allow a man to manage their finances only to find themselves scared to death one day when their husband passes on or the relationship ends. AA has taught me that I am self supporting through my own contributions and "God could and would if he were sought".

Sometimes I lay awake at night wondering, "Do I know enough about money management to support my child and take care of myself in my retirement? How will I manage my finances after my savy father passes on and I don't understand the concepts my financial planner presents?  Someone could be pulling the wool over my eyes and I would never know it. On top of that, I feel uncomfortable asking the questions I really need to ask.

I will never feel I have enough or am enough until I own my power in all areas of my life. This is why I am choosing to work with a great therapist to help me understand my blocks and connect with my needs and my voice.  As with every other area of my life that was once in need of correction, I expect to be led through this uncomfortable process to the land of greater freedom. Even though I already have everything I need, the fear of financial insecurity will never leave me until I face and overcome situations which overwhelm and regress me. Another step to healing from co-dependency.

Best,

After a decade of recovery, I am free from my addiction to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, food and sex/unhealthy romantic relationships. The more conscious I live, the more in touch I become with my emotions and my emotional blocks.  This year, it has come to my attention that certain personality types cause me to regress, shut down and emotionally hide.  I feel this has come to my attention because it is time for me to address this issue and live in greater freedom.

Over the years, I have learned that the so-called crisis is really just a gift in disguise.  My Higher Power presents me with a situation so that I can see where I am wounded/misguided and rise above to change. Growing up in a household with adults who lacked emotional tools, I often held my breath hoping for the disturbance of the moment to subside.  Sometimes the disturbance would be my depressed father's mood.  Other times, the disturbance would be the unspoken tensions between my mother and my father. Both of my parents have strong personalities and I often felt swallowed up in the power of their judgement or pressure to conform.

In speaking with my phenomenal, intuitive and loving therapist today, I got in touch with some childhood pain I had yet to process.  He had me close my eyes and guided me back to my childhood to face and experience my feelings of loss, pain and isolation. When he did, fur balls of repressed emotion came up from my core and disintegrated. He instructed me to have my adult side comfort my inner child and acknowledge her needs and wants. I visualized myself at age 7 with my auburn hair and freckled face and grieved for her sense of worthlessness.

I said to her,"It's alright for you to come out of hiding.  ou no longer have to hold your breath for the pain to pass. You no longer have to tip toe around and pretend you don't feel.  You no longer need to follow other people's direction.  I have a good head on my shoulders and a loving heart in my chest and I will not allow anyone to step on your wings again.  You are colorful and beautiful with a voice that deserves to be heard and a brilliance which deserves to shine.  Breath in and receive your good. I will be your support through every storm.

Best,  

I went to temple as a young girl but more for appearance sake than anything else. I did not grow up in a family where God was a topic of daily conversation. My family did not observe the Sabbath or take part in daily rituals to connect us with God. To me, my parents were God and what they said was law from the highest intelligence.  I was taught by their example that a person with intelligence and will power can accomplish most anything on his or her own.

Like many others, I accomplished much on that premise.  I was an honor student, Editor in Chief of the Yearbook, Most Likely to Succeed and I enjoyed a relationship with a terrific guy and had a multitude of interesting friends.  Yet, somehow, when senior year came around and I wasn't feeling too sure of myself-things started to go sour. Where would I go to college?  Would my parents ever accept my boyfriend?  Are my thighs to fat?  Am I enough? Without a God of my understanding to turn to and parents who found it hard to understand my insecurity, I fell to pieces.

In recovery, I first came to believe in the power of a 12 step program to turn my life around.  Later, I came to believe in the love of the fellowship as well.  Eventually, I saw how I projected my parents ability (or inability) to unconditionally love and support me on to the God of my Understanding.  I limited God's power by viewing God as an extension of my parents rather than a separate entity with all power, all love, all understanding and all intelligence. 

Today, I see myself as a hand of God in the human world. When I choose to be a vehicle of his will (meaning less self-centeredness and more giving), my world expands.  If I feel forgotten or lost or filled with pain, it is because I have stepped away from the practices which connect me with my inner purpose.  Am I still getting to meetings? Am I still reaching out to those in need?  Am I doing my personal inventory on paper?  Am I asking for help? Am I admitting my errors and correcting them? Am I praying? Am I getting still and waiting for my direction.

God dwells within me as me.  If I can't find him, its probably because I am not sitting still.

We heal by remembering, literally bringing back
into the wholeness of our being
that which we have lost by hiding it
from ourselves.
Joan Borysenko

When my mother first started reading my initial manuscript for Gifts From The Child Within, she looked up at me and asked, "What do you mean in the Introduction by my being a co-dependent?" My mother, being an intelligent and well-read person, caught me by surprise with her genuine lack of knowledge about the meaning of codependence. I found myself somewhat embarrassed about the necessity to explain to my mother, what for most of my life, I saw her doing with hers.

I realized I had few words to describe to her just what being codependent meant. I tried using phases such as, "too dependent on her husband," "not caring enough about herself," and "restricting her own life because of her husband's demands." These broken sentences came easily but still did not touch on the real feelings I associated with the term codependent. Finally, I looked at her and said softly, "Mom, it just means that you cared so much for Daddy that somewhere along the way you lost yourself." She understood and accepting this definition, lowered her head to continue reading.

The surge of interest in the recovery field has led us to this nebulous issue of "codependence." Some leading experts claim we all have a codependent-self, a side of us which withdraws, avoids, and denies our true Self. Others maintain codependence is a disease or illness which requires psychological methodologies and sometimes medical intervention! To assume an illness one must demonstrate a physiological, psychological, or emotional dysfunction; therefore, to label one who nurtures and cares deeply for others codependent under this rationale would commit 99% of our female population to pathology! Only when one is nurturing others to the exclusion of themselves can the ill effects of codependency be labeled unhealthy.

One of the latest definitions of what constitutes a codependent personality comes from a group of professionals who spent several hours of deliberation to confirm:  "Co-dependency is a pattern of painful dependency on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth and identity. Recovery is possible." This is a good working definition; however, we must remember, codependency is an individual game played by two. We must not forget it takes two to form a codependent relationship.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW, is a Psychotherapist and Recovery Coach on Celebrity Rehab 2, 3, and 4 as well as Sober House and Celebrity Rehab's Sex Addiction on VH1 with Dr. Drew Pinsky.  She is also the author of "The Law of Sobriety" and the audio program "How to Attract Positive Energy while Eliminating Your Addictions."  You can contact her at sherry@sgabatherapy.com.