Many years ago a friend asked me the following question.  Initially I was going to ignore the question because how does someone answer a question like this?  My only other thought about it was, "Why is she asking ME!"  I didn't consider it again but about a week later I was out running (yes, I used to jog back then), not thinking about anything, & suddenly this huge profound answer dropped into my mind.  "That's it," I said to myself, "That's what Unconditional Love is."  I believe it to be Divine inspiration because this clarity came out of nowhere & I have never heard Love put this way before so I know it didn't originate from me.  I immediately stopped & went home & began to type into my computer the following insight.  Over the years I've shared this with many others & at workshops & it seems to resonate with others.  I hope that it is helpful to you too.     Just Love,

Barefoot Bill 

THE QUESTION:I've come across an interesting term, and wonder if I can tap into your wordsmith skills for assistance?  How do you define "unconditional friendship?"  How do you think one practices such a thing?  If you've got the time, I'd appreciate your input.  Peace & Love,

M.

MY RESPONSE:I smell more!  I see unconditional love & unconditional friendship as the same.  But, based on what you've given me (& what my Heart is prompting me to respond with) I offer the following as the three parts of what constitutes unconditional love, which I think generally apply except in a few rare cases (like a marriage partner or with our children):

I am in recovery for co-dependence.  From a young age, I made an agreement to take on the pain of addicts and alcoholics in my family in exchange for attention. Maybe the people around me would finally notice me if I did what they wanted me to do. After years of giving my decisions, my power and my life away, I realized I was wrong.

I entered Al-Anon (a 12-step fellowship for people who are addicted to addicts/alcoholics) and learned a great deal.  I learned I am not responsible for other people. I learned I cannot control other people's actions.  I learned I can't cure anyone else and, I learned I am addicted to chaos.  The 12-step process allowed me to put the attention back on me and figure out my purpose in this world (which is not to control other people!!)

Many yeaars later, I gave birth to a little boy who (from the age of 2) has been attracted to all things beautiful. Many people would say all things girly, but I see it differently. I tell my son, "Pink is not for boys or girls.  It is just a color." I tell my son, "Toys are not for boys or girls, they are just toys." I tell my son, "Princess dresses are usually worn by girls, but many boys like them and there is nothing wrong with dress up."

I have to be careful that I dont slip back into the role of co-dependent. Instead, I try to teach my son the wonderful lessons I learned in recovery.  Patience, tolerance and love.  I tell him, "If someone makes fun of you and hurts your feelings, its okay to feel sad and its okay that they dont understand.  Sometimes we let others be wrong and we don't let them steal our joy."

Some days, I want to cry and use the tools of recovery to get me back on track.  It hasn't happened often, but sometimes other children make fun of my son and it breaks my heart.  That is the co-dependent in me.  I forget my son has his own God.  I forget my son has his own path.  I forget my only job is to give him unconditional love and support and provide him with good direction. 

Marcy Dater Weiss, Ph.D, LCSW, CEAP,CAP, SAP is a graduate of University of Central Florida. As a licensed therapist she works in private practice in West Palm Beach and Delray Beach. She has worked extensively with clients with addictions, sexual abuse, depression and anxiety as well as anger management and family issues.

Cate has over a decade of full recovery from food, drug, alcohol, cigarette and unhealthy relationship addiction. Cate’s approach to recovery is based on the 12 step process, as well the practice of spiritual principles, exercise, good nutrition, and meditation. Cate’s personal, ongoing recovery process has benefited tremendously from the free sponsorship of other women in 12 step programs.

Dr. Barbara Sinor is a retired Psychotherapist living in northern California. Sinor is the author of five inspirational books including her most recent, Tales of Addiction and Inspiration for Recovery. Sinor can be contacted through her web site: www.DrSinor.com and her recovery jewelry site at http://www.drsinor.com/jewelry.htm