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Category contains 4 blog entries contributed to teamblogs

Posted by on in Co-dependency

My sponsor told me that my negativity is my addiction personified. Increase In other words, what I believe is wrong in me and the world will be outwardly projected into my life.  If I believe I can't get sober, I won't.  If I believe I can't succeed, I won't.  If I believe the world is against me, it will be.

Conversely, recovery teaches me that the positive beliefs I form will manifest in my life.  The emphasis switches from negative projection to positive projection.  I believe I can be sober and I am.  I believe I can recover from multiple forms of addiction and I did.  I believe I can be successful at work and a great mother and I am.

I notice lately that there is an area of my life where I don't feel the peace and joy I want to feel and that is my marriage.  In doing my tenth step and talking over my feelings both with a sponsor and a professional (therapist), I learned about the term "introjection."  This is when you digest a part of your envirnonment (namely your original caregivers like your parents) whole.

These are some of the beliefs I digested by growing up in my home:

I should marry well (Rich, smart, Jewish, my own age, no baggage)

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Posted by on in Co-dependency

Step eight of the twelve steps entails making a list Increaseof all people I harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all.  When I first entered sobriety, the only people I believed I had harmed were either boyfriends I cheated on, family I stole from or friends I lied to.  I thought the only person hurt by my addiction was me. 

I knew it was not good for my body to use cocaine, drown in alcohol, smoke cigarettes or purge food. Still, I had little ability to see how my actions harmed the people around me. Even after my first fourth step, I still focused on the more obvious harms like stealing money or missing work. 

It was only after several years of doing my inventory on a daily basis, in addition to writing my memoir, that I faced and accepted the subtle ways I harmed my fellows.  These harms included my defects of character including dishonesty, envy, manipulation, blaming, shaming, condemning, judging, gossiping, and even withdrawing.

What my friend from college said when I made an amends to her for locking myself in my room when I did cocaine awakened me to the truth about my harms.  She said, "Wow, I didnt realize you had that kind of a problem.  I alway thought you just didnt want to be around me.  I just thought you closed the door so you didnt have to be with me."

Since then, it is clear to me that when I isolate, I harm people. When I raise my voice, I harm people.  I harm people by being impatient.  I harm people by telling them what they want to hear. I harm people by telling them what they don't need to hear.  I harm people by talking behind their backs.  The list goes on and on. 

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Posted by on in Co-dependency

These Four Cornerstones of Family Recovery are a great place to start your journey through the 12 Keys to Sanity for Families of Addicts. They let you know that your loved one’s journey is theirs to take and begin to give you tools to better understand your addicted loved one as well as yourself in relationship to them, along with ways to actually cope with the situation you have landed in.

To sign up for Bev's upcoming four session teleclass NOW go to: http://fourcornerstones.eventbrite.com/

To get a special reduction for reading about it on Addictionland, call Bev at 786 859 4050 or email her at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com

Here is a Brief Overview of each:

  • The Three C’s (you didn’t cause the addiction, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it) are as old as the Alanon hills, yet not everyone in Alanon knows there are really FOUR! Most have been taught only three! They are guide posts to understanding which part of your addicted loved one’s situation is YOUR fault (none of it),which part you can control (none of it), which part you can fix (none of it).  But the fourth C let’s you know that you are NOT completely off the hook! You, as a family member, have the ability and the power to contribute to their continued using or their potential recovery. To find out more, come to session one: The Four C’s.
  • The Six Stages of Change model was developed by a researcher whose own father died of alcoholism. When Dr. James Prochaska, PhD,  was a boy, he watched his father lose his battle with the bottle and began to wonder what helps people make huge changes in their lives and what keeps them from doing so. In college he studied psychology and later, he led a group of researchers to study every psychological change model to figure out which of those models would be most useful to those struggling with changing destructive habits. Instead, he found that when the models were used was more important than which models were used. The value of understanding this model cannot be overestimated as a way to help you help your loved ones – and yourself as you struggle to let go of their using. To explore this model together and find out what stage you are on in relation to letting go of your addiction to your addicted loved one, and what you need to do to move to the next stage, join in on session two: The Six Stages of Change Model
  • Breath Through Each Moment is all about how conscious breathing can help us get through the most difficult times with much greater ease. Having a regular meditation practice each day is optimal, but even taking a few moments here and there to simply breathe deeply and slowly can make a real difference in your life! Attending session three will give you ideas of ways to implement both options into your life. And,  just learning these techniques can be life changing and help you make tremendous progress toward becoming a loving mirror.
  • You are Your Addict’s Best Chance of Recovery! Understanding this cornerstone can have a profound impact on your ability to have a positive influence on your loved one. Family members around the world struggle devotedly to help their loved ones. It’s just that the methods they use often make things worse. Things like yelling, begging, guilting, coercing, manipulating, etc., turn you into a nag and your loved one into someone who does not want to be anywhere near you. By learning what works best when communicating with an addict and what doesn’t, you have a better chance of helping your loved one decide to get well. While there are no guarantees, there is no harm in increasing your chances through learning more effective tools for living and communicating. And, this is what this session on the 4th Cornerstone, You Are Your Addict’s Best Chance of Recovery,  is all about!

To learn more and sign up go to http://fourcornerstones.eventbrite.com/

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Posted by on in Co-dependency
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Posted by on in Co-dependency

I received this letter from a reader last night and wrote the answer on my 12stepfamily.com blog.

http://12stepfamily.com/2012/02/02/setting-boundaries-will-it-force-him-to-choose-between-his-drugs-and-me/

Wanted to share it with all of you. If it is helpful, that's great! Feel free to send me your letters, questions, comments, requests at bbuncher@beverlybuncher.com. Would love to hear from you and share my perspective on Family Recovery!

Best,

Coach Bev

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