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Stepsherpa

Stepsherpa

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Well it's quite clear that these two great tastes that are supposed to go together, were written to go together,  don't go together with a palate like mine. I'm Big Book 12 Steps. Now I have tried to read and apply the 12 Steps as written in the 12 /12 book many times at varying times in my AA recovery. The 12/12 even suggests I do it. I didn't just go to a few meetings and make a decision based on selfishness like, I didn't like the coffee or someone there. No I'm just not capable of reading and applying what I read to my life. It's not that I am unteachable, I just don't retain it. I am so selfcentered and dominated by people that sure I can sit there and read, even comment and feel a part of the group or meeting as a whole but when it's over? When I go out and get in my car and drive away? It's gone. The people are gone and with it goes any courage or strength I may have acquired just minutes before as I sat comfortably getting my belly rubbed and hugged for my honesty. So in this respect I am what the Big Book describes as a people worshipper. I use people for my emotional security. I steal it from my surroundings with my selfish arrangements. My self centered delusion. But like it says, if only my arrangements would stay put the show would be great right? Everyone including me would be pleased. I think I'm doing everything for you. Waiting for that vibe of security. My validation.

 

I hit the Big Book bricks around 1981. Hyannis Ma.  All the Big Book Step Study meetings you see on the AA meeting list today? That's where it began. I know this because I was at intergroup with a few others trying to be recognized as a Big Book Step meeting and there wasn't anything like that in the North East anywhere and according to Central Service in New York, nothing in the country either.. Just 12/12 Step and Tradition meetings or Big Book Study which skipped over the 12 Steps to the stories. Maybe thoroughly too, sincere, dedicated with the best of intentions, even line by line word by word with all the desperation of drowning men. But not just the simple 12 Steps, the 12 Step directions, the process laid out in the Big Book, there wasn't anything like that.

 

Oh, there was AWOL. A Way Of Life groups that would spring up around the North East and it did and still does help many who suffer, especially the over eaters, but the hopeless? The ones who are powerless who have lost the power of choice in their lives? Who can't differentiate between true and false? They just floated around in the safety of meetings everyday. Warehoused, chainsmoking at the break,  enjoying the benefits of the latest mental health medication had not begun to thrive yet... You want the 12 Steps? can't get sober and want to die?  you go to a 12/12 meeting. Actually I've talked to some, no lots of long term sobriety folks that didn't know the 12 Steps were in the Big Book even though they had read it's pages over completely many times and Sponsor others.. The AA format had been raised to meet the needs of the many, Bill W raised the bottom to where any person with a drinking problem could find something of help.  Good news for  the many that could not make the admission of hopelessness which is required in the Big Book 12 Steps. So it became commonplace to just read and apply the Steps.

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