I didn't get it at first. The whole "it's all about me" thing. The selfishness of my alcoholism. The root of my spiritual malady. Me, what I think. How I put myself at the center of all thought. Self centeredness? Yes. Extreme self centeredness. I would tend to lean toward those who would say I was being too hard on myself. Until I saw myself using that selfish angle too. A victim? Yeah. Feed my self-pity. What an endless stream of attention I could receive when acting as the depressed. Believing myself depressed. Unable to find my way out of myself.
Acting as my own worst enemy was like opening a petcock of attention from others who felt the need to offer suggestion. Hey, act better than me? Smarter? Whatever as long as I'm the center of it all. Bad press is still press.
Like the thief? I steal my emotional security from others or my fancied arrangement of others in my mind. My altered reality. I apply everything I can find in others to crate my self worth. I used to think it was as simple as manipulating others to like me so I could like myself but...It goes much much deeper.
I'm talking professional survivor here. A lifer. Not some light weight no. Every minute of every day I am out to fend for myself and myself only. Harsh? Yes. Very much so. Fortunately for me? Others can see bits of themselves in me so I get away with being considered sick. A sick alcoholic. Rum dumb.
Truth be told? Since my spirit was stolen? I am and have pretty much always been a virus. A predator of the worst kind. I am kind, considerate, modest and self sacrificing on the outside? While mean, selfish, inconsiderate and self-centered on the inside. My outer stage presentation is generally all things to all people. Leader, follower, mirror image, whatever it takes to get my own needs met....