I'm AA, an AA member. I was rescued and have no problem admitting AA saved my life from the spiraling alcoholic pit of despair I knew and lived as the norm. Learning one day at a time to live free of alcohol and other mind altering substances became my only real focus thereby bringing my mindful rotation to a halt. Leaving most everything else in a kind of acceptable fog, rarely seen at the forefront anymore... My newfound willingness keeping me free of the self imposed distractions that kept me from seeing the true nature of my spiritual malady. Primarily my selfishness and fear. I was getting honest with myself in AA or at least with the drinking problem. Shortly thereafter something big was happening aside from just putting the drink down, a kind of positive shift in my attitude and outlook on life itself. New direction as if on the daily entrance ramp of some kind of recovery road. Suggested spiritual path.
Yes it certainly would appear as if I surrendered to the AA God and this great God removed all my difficulties just like that. As if flipping a switch I went from drunk wayward and disorderly to goody soberly direction for maybe two hours each day. Meetings. A snap of a finger and all was or is well with myself and the world of daily AA meetings. Some referred to this as a daily reprieve. A willingness to believe. I let go of the bad air and inhaled only the good. Leaving me with an endless supply of clean, sober, minty fresh breath. I could easily talk to anyone about anything while attending the meetings. There were no obvious axes to grind or prepare for battle. No people to please. Yes. All was going well. Then for no reason I could understand? On a sunny summers Cape Cod day? I drank again.
I'd hear around the halls that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. There is truth here. My open road to recovery became a cul-de-sac. Not a dead end or cliff or oncoming train. But a place where I kept moving sure, just in circles with only one way out that was where I had already been..I was back tracking. Back peddling. Stuck going round and round looking at my life over and over. Fooling myself into believing I was still moving ahead simply because I was moving. Growing seemed the only option.
To me? New and better arrangements, newly painted stimulus, the dishonesty with myself spoon fed with every thought. I was sober yeah? But had stopped and was going nowhere. At best I would run into my self as if some new found freedom. This is different or that is? Always new changes to support my circling delusion.. I had time to come up with new and much better endings to my many unresolved issues in my life. It wasn't all bad because it was all I knew. There was a sense of security in the familiar as the Book says. So yes, this was acceptable recovery, I wasn't alone and compared to being drunk in the gutter I was fixing myself finally. At best I was settling for less and less creating new friends from past enemies in my mind and as the changes came? The history became brighter. Same people different script. While others focused on their future? I continued to be obsessed with changing my past. Creating new and better arrangements. Validation. Emotional security boosts. Anything in an effort to catch up to the present. Keep up with my surroundings. Yep.. Insanity....