I created Addictionland.com for many reasons. One reason was to have an outlet to express myself in writing, which I enjoy and need. Writing helps me purge my emotions, become aware of my thoughts and feelings and, ultimately, guides me to what needs doing.
Right now, I am feeling a full range of emotions due to my powerlessness over my mother's chemotherapy gone wrong, ongoing ordeal. I have felt angry, sad, irritable, grateful, hopeless, hopeful, desparate, guilty, and relieved. Today, I feel a combination of tired, sad, strong, healthy, powerless and scared. I am grateful recovery has put me in touch with this range of emotions. When I was active in my addiction, all I felt was frightened, angry, depressed and bewildered.
My mom is having trouble breathing due to her lung cancer, chemotherapy, medications, emotional trauma and COPD. I don't know of many situations worse than that, excluding the loss of the life of a child or something of that nature. I know what it is like to not be able to catch your breath. When I used to use cocaine, I sometimes had full fledged anxiety attacks where my heart would pound and my breathing was rapid and I thought I might die. When I see my mom breathe hard like that, it takes me back to those moments and I feel tremendous pain for her.
This morning, my mom said she felt depressed and wanted to be alone today to sort through her options and thoughts. When I spoke to my dad, he couldn't handle her wanting to be alone. It brought up tremendous waves of pain and fear in him. Feeling safe with me as he should, he let his grief out and I caught it. My dad's inability to cope combined with my mom's coming to terms with her situation left me in some agony myself.
Quite naturally, I felt inspired to call my sponsor. She said exactly what I needed to hear. She reminded me that on my birthday (which is today), it would help my parents if I enjoyed my birthday. She reminded me that anytime I start projecting into the future, I need to stop myself and get back in the day. She reminded me that no one ever benefitted from worrying and she suggested I take care of myself so I could care for them.