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Posted by on in Alcoholism

I recently overheard some great gossip so feeling a tad weak I decided to feed on it and keep it going. An argument between two people setting up the chairs at a local meeting. This wasn't told to me directly, no. I overheard it from someone who overheard it. I guess that would be gossip twice removed or pretty much by the time I repeat it? Lies. The only thing that was the same was there were two guys involved.

I was ready to carry the mess. Hopefully find someone to listen intently to my new version , co-sign me, like me so I can like myself. It was pure checkout line gossip now. Like when you look in the grocery basket and see $200 dollars worth of nothing?  Fear creeps in because all you see worth anything is a $3.00 bag of your favorite cookies that is already open and missing a few, so you can't just get out of line and split. No way to make a run for it without a possible shoplifting arrest and well? You're much too old for that.. So you look for trouble. Trouble is power. Just stand there and crowd the person in front of you with a subtle bump to the back of the ankle so in some way you can make another pay for how you feel.. When they turn and look as if you're going to get a bag of frozen broccoli in the face you smile and apologize. You're now the manipulative weasel. These people got nothing on you. 

 

HEY LOOK! Brad Pitt is losing his kids complete with pictures of the horrific life he leads in his house the size of a Amazon distribution center.. Next paper? A not so shocking front page? Madonna rallies for freedom of speech, teaches F-bombs to 2rd graders in New York. Yikes! Atleast I'm not them!  I wanted to feel better about myself so I read a few paragraphs in hopes of validation through another's grand screw up. It worked. I didn't even want to be Brad Pitt and had a newer softer sympathetic place in my heart for Guy Richie. I  am now feeling fine who I am thank you. Clearly above it all. Everybody is screwed up and I'm ok.

 

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

As and alcoholic, I find it very helpful to serve others. It's almost selfish because, the more service I do, the better I feel about myself. But it also helps me get out of my comfort zone, meet people, make connections, and have experiences. I found out that Hospice companies need volunteers on a regular basis and began volunteering often. It has been one of the most rewarding volunteer services I've very participated in. A hospice volunteer has a real impact on people at a pivotal stage in their lives. A hospice volunteer also has a great impact on the family of the patient in hospice care. 

Things you can do as a hospice volunteer include, conversing, holding the patients hand, listening to their story and advice, play chess, cards, or other such games, and much more. The hospice I volunteer with put out an article highlighting my experience as a hospice volunteer along with a couple of others. Take a look at it if you have the time. I highly recommend it as a service option for any addict. 

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

 It was everywhere I was. ((HELP ME!)) was the message in every bottle sent out from the shores of oblivion. It was in every blame, every angry spew. It wasn't the help I wanted, it wasn't the right kind. The loneliness of extreme self centeredness set in as I waited for someone to save me, make me like them, take me away from me. . Without the booze I was unbearable to be with. To look at, to see myself as I believed others saw me. It was written on every foggy bathroom mirror after my many failed attempts to wash myself clean. Scrub off my addiction. I was dirty, poison.

In the end? Full flight from any reality, a complete delusion took over. I was out of breath, no more visible messages. It was now all in my mind, the mind that could nolonger think... All rational thought gone, images of past hope? The charred words, my voice of reason unrecognizable now, smoldering.  The constant alarm in my head , (BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! ) provided distraction in my chaos.  Why all the stimulus? It's everywhere yet it's never the right kind. My mind spinning out and I am not moving. 

 

I was not coming back this time, I could not come back. I'd been warned too many times, convinced myself and others I was ready to listen and done nothing. Used their words as ammunition against them. This was it, the full tilt hopelessness of untreated alcoholism surrounded me. The drink had become the wrong I could never make right. I couldn't fix this. Nobody could. The powerlessness, the fear, am I going to die today?  I'm afraid to die with my life of unresolved issues hanging over me. Why? I mean really! Why am I like this! Why is this happening to me!

 I'm already dead. Tell me I'm already dead.. Please just let me die. I can't take waiting another day. I get it now, I am alone forever, The trail has gone cold, no ones coming for me. I understand and all I can do is be sorry for what?  I don't even know. But I'm sorry for everything. I cry out in desperation, giving what's left as a sacrifice in frothy emotional appeal! Can anyone hear me! Over here! In the pit of pity!

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

The dysfunctional family mid summer cook out.  I show up with my diversion, the BBQ ribs. It's been 30 odd years sober for me and still anyone who was alive in my drinking days doesn't really trust me. They go along with a joint skepticism, assuming even now that at any time, anything could happen to derail the days events. I know this and use it to prove them wrong. I'm kind considerate modest and self sacrificing like the Book says. All things to all people.

The young ones do their best with handed down mixed messages of drunkenness and cruelty, all before the invention of the cell phone so it's safe now apparently.. At best the general consensus is I'm weird but weird is the new fun so, I'm in.. Ripping into an ear of corn like an electric typewriter, poking fun at gramma's dollar store flip flops purchased on a wild shopping spree. I'm surviving here, my stage is set. My script demands a curtain call of goodbyes, smiles, hugs and handshakes. Last minute validation. Did I do ok? Did everyone like me? Ok. I can go. Thank God that's over..

 

  I don't really need a meeting but I'm bored. Lonely really. It's lonely at the top. Left to worship people for my validation. The old familiar like me so I can like myself self seeking behavior. The meeting is the only place I can roll up on my Hog and demand attention. An emotional security boost. Then came Bronson.. Me, the once homeless bum, now sober man with his beautiful motorcycle. A 12 Step hybrid of sorts, a power of example and an example of power as if all things to all people at all times. In this case? The AA meeting..

Although I don't smoke I settle in staking claim to the warn patch of grass known as the smoking area. My stage is set shucking and jiving around the butt can, jockeying for position with the homies from my Thursday night group. Running my mouth, picking interesting topic after topic. Shocking really. I am demanding attention as my experience sober spills over the top. All eyes and ears on me. I'm working the crowd. I even stop abruptly and pick up a butt that missed it's mark. Tossing it in the can I am paving the way to proper butt can etiquette.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

I just wanted to let people know about this amazing Podcast about addiction and alcoholism. It's been a great help to me and many of my friends. You can subscribe on all the regular podcast distributors, but you can also watch it as a Vodcast on the recovery soapbox site.

Recovery Soapbox was started as a place to openly discuss drug addiction, alcoholism and recovery. It's put on by a rehab center in Utah, but it's in no way a commercial for them. This clip is just a short preview, the full episodes are free and about an hour long on average. They are on their 9th episode. Withing the podcast, they do a Women in Recovery series that has been amazing. There are now three episode of Women in Recovery. 

The guests on the podcast really know what they are talking about when it comes to alcoholism, drugs, addiction, rehab and recovery. Check it out if you get a chance or pass it along to someone who may be in need of some extra help. 

This was an episode with a recovering addict named Sarah Kappos. It's one of my favorites. 

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