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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Speaking for myself? An alcoholic who mistakes their mind for their spirit like I did for many years? Remains untreated or unable to support sufficient change in overcoming the hopelessness of alcoholism.. Their growth will remain stunted under a self serving low ceiling in an attempt to find a intellectual cure for their spiritual malady.This popular trap is easy to fall into. Denying the Spiritual malady exists.

We're talking addiction on a mass scale today so, of course there will be options offered that feed the masses. It would be irresponsible if there weren't. Like fast food. We as a society feed our bellies and also our minds while opting to neglect the spiritual realm for lack of the instant gratification offered with say, a ready and waiting Big Mac and fries on the fly. Benzos or opiates can rescue a drowning mind from a bad day in seconds to minutes. Meds can change us also but unless followed by an attempt at mind altering willingness of some kind? (Willingness being the key to the spirit). The meds stop and so do we.

Most are at best medically warehoused for a time only to pick up their old mindset again assuming over time a different result awaits. The selfish thinking of the survivor.. As if life would be complete if only they bring back the McRib. In actuality? We're starving ourselves on pork flavored chicken nuggets but at the moment? With a little BBQ sauce? The hunger problem is solved!  No different than making our own arrangements to have our minds meet our needs for a quick fix feel good diet of people to save me, help me in the ever unfolding drama we can't control.. Give me people who understand right now! Who will validate me! But without spirit? We are starving there also as if drinking people until we are overdosed and sick.. 

Like buying a new shirt will bring attention from others? I mistake attention for acceptance. Notice me and I think I know what you think. I love my new shirt so you must also. In my selfish mind and sometimes self seeking actions I arrange you to think like I think so now? I can trust you. It's all about you and me now if only for a moment in time. My needs are met as if my fast food order is ready. The problem here is I alone don't like myself and have just arranged you to cosign me as if you were me. So in reality? Now? I don't like you. How could I? I hate myself already and suffer daily with no self worth and now I have you acting just like me so.. Do I subconsciously make myself pay for being a hypocrite? Maybe...Is there a part of me that is aware of my constant dishonesty yet remains inaccessible? Where I bounce off my low ceiling of self reliance? Yes, maybe, not sure, I don't know.

I need control. I need to create my own emotional security.So I rely on my own selfish thinking to make these arrangements and overcome my fear and self-centeredness, power through it all. Create my above average level of self esteem by stealing some of yours? You now like me so, I now like me. This is the extreme selfishness of the hopeless state of alcoholism as I have seen time and again in my life as I strive to surrender to the Higher Spirit of all things each day to live sober. This is my best thinking. A seemingly ongoing war between good and evil each day sober no different than each day drinking. More mental hopscotch. Nothing changes until I am willing to address the Spiritual malady.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

I didn't get it at first. The whole "it's all about me" thing. The selfishness of my alcoholism. The root of my spiritual malady. Me, what I think. How I put myself at the center of all thought. Self centeredness? Yes. Extreme self centeredness. I would tend to lean toward those who would say I was being too hard on myself. Until I saw myself using that selfish angle too. A victim? Yeah. Feed my self-pity. What an endless stream of attention I could receive when acting as the depressed. Believing myself depressed. Unable to find my way out of myself.

Acting as my own worst enemy was like opening a petcock of attention from others who felt the need to offer suggestion. Hey, act better than me? Smarter? Whatever as long as I'm the center of it all. Bad press is still press.

Like the thief? I steal my emotional security from others or my fancied arrangement of others in my mind. My altered reality. I apply everything I can find in others to crate my self worth. I used to think it was as simple as manipulating others to like me so I could like myself but...It goes much much deeper.

I'm talking professional survivor here. A lifer. Not some light weight no. Every minute of every day I am out to fend for myself and myself only. Harsh? Yes. Very much so. Fortunately for me? Others can see bits of themselves in me so I get away with being considered sick. A sick alcoholic. Rum dumb.

Truth be told? Since my spirit was stolen? I am and have pretty much always been a virus. A predator of the worst kind. I am kind, considerate, modest and self sacrificing on the outside? While mean, selfish, inconsiderate and self-centered on the inside. My outer stage presentation is generally all things to all people. Leader, follower, mirror image, whatever it takes to get my own needs met.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

I rescued my cat from the New Hampshire wilderness. Poor thing. A seemingly helpless kitten sure to become tasty "take out" for any number of predators lurking in the woods beyond the tree line. She was infested with fleas, the hard shell black ones. Mountain fleas. Not the soft shell city flea you can simply pick and squish. No, his or her (not sure) little body had been invaded. It was up to me now. My compassion, my feminine side. I would save her. Rescue her from eminent danger, the seemingly natural course of events to come. I knew what was best and stepped up. I am an AA man on a mission from God.

 

Actually? She was not that much different than my girlfriend I met at the AA Christmas Alcathon. Not the him/her thing. The rescue I mean. She was being serenaded by a group of blood thirsty vampires and I was there to save her life..These men and boys wanted one thing only. To make her their zombie. Their own personal stay home mom. A permanent security blanket at home so they could cruise the AA circuit feeding on the flesh and feelings buffet. Sucking on the emotional security of the new girls. I would change all that and make her mine. I would treat her right. She will love and respect me in return. I'll give her a good healthy AA life.

 

Anyway..I went straight to the pet store and bought the high dollar dual diagnosis flea collar. Money not an issue here when it comes to saving lives. It was guaranteed to kill fleas and also pretty much anything else living within a two foot radius.  A hasmat suit, respirator, and rubber gloves came in the box so, I put on the gloves.. After a few days with this collar on she was certified clean. Job well done. Eh, except for an odd eye twitch that supposedly would subside with a little time and was considered a rare side effect. I tried to read the chemical make up of the flea collar but to no avail. I was used to seeing buzz words like high fructose corn syrup while analyzing ingredients and not familiar with chemicals surrounding the breakdown of a flea's nervous system resulting in death. I tried to make out the tiny words, something something Nazi something, twins maybe. Not for use on kittens. Strange. 

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Money! money! money! money! Now sober and working? Look at all the money I've got. I me mine! Hundreds laid out on the bed. Me and my money! This is great! Finally I am somebody..

Ok sure I hear at the meetings about the hole in the soul? The flawed character, defective even? Dysfunctional behavior yeah yeah..Lacking in responsibility, no coping skills. Not anymore no, not me. I've got money!

So now what? Lesson number 454 in living sober. Fear of financial insecurity will leaves us? When! Lesson number 453 was if I don't brush my teeth they rot and fall out and I got that. And lesson number 452 that led to lesson 453, I can't live on cookies and milk. AND lesson number 451 that started it all,  go to the Dr. when something is wrong with me. Lesson 450, does everybody get weird rashes on their face? No. It's as if I have no common sense, yet I know not to walk in front of a speeding bus? I just don't get it. There's got to be a line somewhere. Somewhere between inward and outward reality. Lesson number 449. I'm not everybody? And 448, slow it down to 24 hours at a time? Cripes! What ever happened to lesson number 2, keep it simple. That's freaken long gone. Now I'm hung up on lesson 449 and just moved on? I can handle it? Give it to me I'll fix it? I know what's best for everybody? But that never works. That was lesson 2 hundred something I think. I can't manage this mess!

 

I've got money but I don't know what to do with it? I can't manage it properly? Really? What am I a 2 year old? I'm 28 years old! A grown man! Damn this whole alcoholic thing.. Damn it to hell! I would do just about anything to be normal. Or what I think normal is. This is it then. Alcoholism. This is why I can't have nice things. It's the alcoholic curse, I can't blame the alcohol anymore, I stopped drinking it. I'm doomed to live in the ism!

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

 Sometimes I do wish I was one of the smarter ones in AA. The educated crowd. That like them, I could read and retain with sufficient memory what others seem to easily grasp. AA history? Additions to sober living through Carl Jung philosophies or Emmet Fox teachings. Christianity? Buddhism? The progressive understanding and effectiveness of Bill Wilson's experience with religions. If only I could see clearly the relevancy of some letter written from Bill W to Sister Ignatia in the AA archives or grasp the undertones of Dr Bobs religious base. I would love to be able to remember who alcoholic number three was and be available for discussion when it arises with the new man? The name of the Hospital where the guy in the bed picture was from? What year Alanon was formed or the first 12/12 published? I would quote old Grapevine articles with assurance.

 

Participate, be a part of it all when and wherever? Ebby? Sure, Ebby was to become Bills sponsor? Spiritual advisor maybe? He shows up at Bills door unrecognizable   on fire from the religious leanings of the..the.. I can't remember. ((Oxford Group)) Got it! The Oxford group. But I can't retain any of it really. Even if I am lucky and remember it.. It's been proven time and again that even at my sharpest? My best? I still suffer in self. The selfishness and fear are still here. Oh not anywhere near the paralyzing selfishness and fear I showed up with but still here and there lurking. Oddly, my hope lies in the simple willingness suggested in the Big Book 12 Step format. No intellect needed really.. I am willing therefore I am. Not willing and I become nothing. Fortunately I can grasp the importance of willingness. I have found, seen times where all I seem to have is willingness? I am ok with just willingness. I get it. Willingness is indispensable. I read it in the Book and retain it throughout my day. Simple, yes, simple is good for me..

 

 The big question I ask myself arises often? Especially when wallowing in a new or seemingly reoccurring blank spot. How have I lived this long in this world being so incredibly burnt out in the head? I mean really now, I am freaken fried yet still manage to live sober and follow a suggested spiritual path in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Book says I am to give away what I have found. What could anyone possibly want that I have to offer? All I have really found is willingness. How do I give my willingness away? Doesn't another need their own willingness?

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