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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Step 4. Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action. Well? I may have wanted to launch? I may have been boxed in and choking on reoccurring sharp fragments of my history, gasping for my seemingly last breath for the absolute last time. The really really last time. At this point in my sobriety I wanted to pick up the pen more than anything if only because others were doing it and I wanted to be like them.. Or simply because I had never been this desperate. Especially sober and able to feel the desperation and fear.

So, simple enough. We listed people whom we had resentment toward. With whom we were angry or had been. I can do this! My life is on the line here! Just quitting drinking is shaky at best, I get that..I'll eventually pick up the alcohol again unless I can find out why I need it so badly. The answers are in the 4th. I know it. So that's it then. I'll go home and get quiet as suggested by my sponsor. Pray for direction from the Higher Power. Get the Big Book out and read Step 3. Get my new 9x12 spiral bound notebook there in front of me and a good pen with lots of ink.  Find out what is at the root of my alcoholic symptoms? This is it! My big chance to get some answers. Why I've been such a screw up my entire life and drank like I did.!

May as well review the 3 pertinent ideas also in preparation. The abc's on the page wrapping up Steps 1 and 2 leading me into my 3rd Step decision. (A) I'm alcoholic and cannot manage my own life. (B) probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism. (C) God could and would if He were sought. Yup. I am convinced. I have made my decision.

I'm ready to launch! My life on the line. The program of recovery laid out in masterly detail lies ahead. I have the willingness. I am ready to get down to causes and conditions surrounding my alcoholism. This is my life or death mission. I'll write for atleast 2 hours tonight. Get my list of people institutions and principles down, maybe even finished!

Suddenly the thought hits me. It comes over me like a warm snuggly security blanket and I feel happy joyous and free.. Is that new girl going to be at the meeting tonight? Seeing I'm putting all this effort in preparing myself to write my 4th Step? I'm working the program right? I am thinking about it? Discussing it with myself. Maybe God sent her to me. Maybe she's Gods will for me. So, I'll go to the meeting tonight and follow through on what may be Gods will. I will absolutely start my writing tomorrow night.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

 I was standing in the coffee line at a good sized local AA open speaker meeting one night. Basically? A mess from fighting my way through the people forest all day by myself.. I arrived late and was scanning the hall for a open seat. I saw one up front and thought, no way. No protection there. I'm too self centered right now to negotiate the labyrinth of people who generally would not mix, right? To get there, smack dab in front of the podium.. I was on the outside looking in at this point. Like the untreated looking for treatment. Wondering what this meeting can do for ME. The thought of what I could bring? It was blocked by self centered fear. It just wasn't there. No courage. People dominated me.

The speaker at the podium is basically engaged in a full on profanity laced verbal assault on AA's spiritual principle. Live without the let live part. Also selfishly thumbing his nose at the letter sent around the halls from home base New York for the group secretary to read at the beginning of each AA meeting. Respectfully suggesting to please be conscious of profanity as it's not a very positive reflection of the AA spiritual program. He didn't care. It wasn't a spiritual program to him, anyone could see it was all about him first before any God or Gods. Here he was, the Alpha-holic..Telling "his" way as if pitching a kitchen magician infomercial. Doing his best to overwhelm you, control, box you in.

Or, if it was spiritual? And he had some conception of God that empowered the fragmented dictatorship he presented? Or had that whole gutter mouth and God relationship I hear about sometimes. Like God and he are buds and he and God shared profanity laced prayers because well? They are that close.. He was obviously entitled to do or say, act any way he wished as his free speech as he saw to express it, was more important than silly small time AA where some of us are here to clean up our acts. That makes no difference if you can't see you're dirty or bow out of the brainwash.. I get it. That whole "I'm here to stop drinking only" thing... So any one there was basically at a Bob's Anonymous meeting or Joe's maybe.. Whatever the speaker's name was? This was not an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I thought to myself what's next? Podium politics! Global gossip? The speakers view on Syrian gas attacks? Gun control?The guy I recently bought a new truck from was Russian...Should I change my sobriety date?

 My first reaction was, what did I just walk into? The usual negative banter at the Wise Cracker Lounge on payday? Raising our glasses and self esteem to those fools who aren't divorced or fired or broken hearted parents like us? No holes barred here! Everyone is screwed up and we're ok tonight.

One after another he flattened boundaries as he overtook the room..  Napalm, Dynamite, Gun powder, Toxic gas, Small arms fire, Character assassination.. We were pinned down and getting hit hard by this act of self will run riot, surviving at best.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Speaking for myself? An alcoholic who mistakes their mind for their spirit like I did for many years? Remains untreated or unable to support sufficient change in overcoming the hopelessness of alcoholism.. Their growth will remain stunted under a self serving low ceiling in an attempt to find a intellectual cure for their spiritual malady.This popular trap is easy to fall into. Denying the Spiritual malady exists.

We're talking addiction on a mass scale today so, of course there will be options offered that feed the masses. It would be irresponsible if there weren't. Like fast food. We as a society feed our bellies and also our minds while opting to neglect the spiritual realm for lack of the instant gratification offered with say, a ready and waiting Big Mac and fries on the fly. Benzos or opiates can rescue a drowning mind from a bad day in seconds to minutes. Meds can change us also but unless followed by an attempt at mind altering willingness of some kind? (Willingness being the key to the spirit). The meds stop and so do we.

Most are at best medically warehoused for a time only to pick up their old mindset again assuming over time a different result awaits. The selfish thinking of the survivor.. As if life would be complete if only they bring back the McRib. In actuality? We're starving ourselves on pork flavored chicken nuggets but at the moment? With a little BBQ sauce? The hunger problem is solved!  No different than making our own arrangements to have our minds meet our needs for a quick fix feel good diet of people to save me, help me in the ever unfolding drama we can't control.. Give me people who understand right now! Who will validate me! But without spirit? We are starving there also as if drinking people until we are overdosed and sick.. 

Like buying a new shirt will bring attention from others? I mistake attention for acceptance. Notice me and I think I know what you think. I love my new shirt so you must also. In my selfish mind and sometimes self seeking actions I arrange you to think like I think so now? I can trust you. It's all about you and me now if only for a moment in time. My needs are met as if my fast food order is ready. The problem here is I alone don't like myself and have just arranged you to cosign me as if you were me. So in reality? Now? I don't like you. How could I? I hate myself already and suffer daily with no self worth and now I have you acting just like me so.. Do I subconsciously make myself pay for being a hypocrite? Maybe...Is there a part of me that is aware of my constant dishonesty yet remains inaccessible? Where I bounce off my low ceiling of self reliance? Yes, maybe, not sure, I don't know.

I need control. I need to create my own emotional security.So I rely on my own selfish thinking to make these arrangements and overcome my fear and self-centeredness, power through it all. Create my above average level of self esteem by stealing some of yours? You now like me so, I now like me. This is the extreme selfishness of the hopeless state of alcoholism as I have seen time and again in my life as I strive to surrender to the Higher Spirit of all things each day to live sober. This is my best thinking. A seemingly ongoing war between good and evil each day sober no different than each day drinking. More mental hopscotch. Nothing changes until I am willing to address the Spiritual malady.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

I didn't get it at first. The whole "it's all about me" thing. The selfishness of my alcoholism. The root of my spiritual malady. Me, what I think. How I put myself at the center of all thought. Self centeredness? Yes. Extreme self centeredness. I would tend to lean toward those who would say I was being too hard on myself. Until I saw myself using that selfish angle too. A victim? Yeah. Feed my self-pity. What an endless stream of attention I could receive when acting as the depressed. Believing myself depressed. Unable to find my way out of myself.

Acting as my own worst enemy was like opening a petcock of attention from others who felt the need to offer suggestion. Hey, act better than me? Smarter? Whatever as long as I'm the center of it all. Bad press is still press.

Like the thief? I steal my emotional security from others or my fancied arrangement of others in my mind. My altered reality. I apply everything I can find in others to crate my self worth. I used to think it was as simple as manipulating others to like me so I could like myself but...It goes much much deeper.

I'm talking professional survivor here. A lifer. Not some light weight no. Every minute of every day I am out to fend for myself and myself only. Harsh? Yes. Very much so. Fortunately for me? Others can see bits of themselves in me so I get away with being considered sick. A sick alcoholic. Rum dumb.

Truth be told? Since my spirit was stolen? I am and have pretty much always been a virus. A predator of the worst kind. I am kind, considerate, modest and self sacrificing on the outside? While mean, selfish, inconsiderate and self-centered on the inside. My outer stage presentation is generally all things to all people. Leader, follower, mirror image, whatever it takes to get my own needs met.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

I rescued my cat from the New Hampshire wilderness. Poor thing. A seemingly helpless kitten sure to become tasty "take out" for any number of predators lurking in the woods beyond the tree line. She was infested with fleas, the hard shell black ones. Mountain fleas. Not the soft shell city flea you can simply pick and squish. No, his or her (not sure) little body had been invaded. It was up to me now. My compassion, my feminine side. I would save her. Rescue her from eminent danger, the seemingly natural course of events to come. I knew what was best and stepped up. I am an AA man on a mission from God.

 

Actually? She was not that much different than my girlfriend I met at the AA Christmas Alcathon. Not the him/her thing. The rescue I mean. She was being serenaded by a group of blood thirsty vampires and I was there to save her life..These men and boys wanted one thing only. To make her their zombie. Their own personal stay home mom. A permanent security blanket at home so they could cruise the AA circuit feeding on the flesh and feelings buffet. Sucking on the emotional security of the new girls. I would change all that and make her mine. I would treat her right. She will love and respect me in return. I'll give her a good healthy AA life.

 

Anyway..I went straight to the pet store and bought the high dollar dual diagnosis flea collar. Money not an issue here when it comes to saving lives. It was guaranteed to kill fleas and also pretty much anything else living within a two foot radius.  A hasmat suit, respirator, and rubber gloves came in the box so, I put on the gloves.. After a few days with this collar on she was certified clean. Job well done. Eh, except for an odd eye twitch that supposedly would subside with a little time and was considered a rare side effect. I tried to read the chemical make up of the flea collar but to no avail. I was used to seeing buzz words like high fructose corn syrup while analyzing ingredients and not familiar with chemicals surrounding the breakdown of a flea's nervous system resulting in death. I tried to make out the tiny words, something something Nazi something, twins maybe. Not for use on kittens. Strange. 

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