Step 4. Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action. Well? I may have wanted to launch? I may have been boxed in and choking on reoccurring sharp fragments of my history, gasping for my seemingly last breath for the absolute last time. The really really last time. At this point in my sobriety I wanted to pick up the pen more than anything if only because others were doing it and I wanted to be like them.. Or simply because I had never been this desperate. Especially sober and able to feel the desperation and fear.
So, simple enough. We listed people whom we had resentment toward. With whom we were angry or had been. I can do this! My life is on the line here! Just quitting drinking is shaky at best, I get that..I'll eventually pick up the alcohol again unless I can find out why I need it so badly. The answers are in the 4th. I know it. So that's it then. I'll go home and get quiet as suggested by my sponsor. Pray for direction from the Higher Power. Get the Big Book out and read Step 3. Get my new 9x12 spiral bound notebook there in front of me and a good pen with lots of ink. Find out what is at the root of my alcoholic symptoms? This is it! My big chance to get some answers. Why I've been such a screw up my entire life and drank like I did.!
May as well review the 3 pertinent ideas also in preparation. The abc's on the page wrapping up Steps 1 and 2 leading me into my 3rd Step decision. (A) I'm alcoholic and cannot manage my own life. (B) probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism. (C) God could and would if He were sought. Yup. I am convinced. I have made my decision.
I'm ready to launch! My life on the line. The program of recovery laid out in masterly detail lies ahead. I have the willingness. I am ready to get down to causes and conditions surrounding my alcoholism. This is my life or death mission. I'll write for atleast 2 hours tonight. Get my list of people institutions and principles down, maybe even finished!
Suddenly the thought hits me. It comes over me like a warm snuggly security blanket and I feel happy joyous and free.. Is that new girl going to be at the meeting tonight? Seeing I'm putting all this effort in preparing myself to write my 4th Step? I'm working the program right? I am thinking about it? Discussing it with myself. Maybe God sent her to me. Maybe she's Gods will for me. So, I'll go to the meeting tonight and follow through on what may be Gods will. I will absolutely start my writing tomorrow night....