Surrender was not a sign of weakness anymore. It was strength. The willingness to believe in a spiritual realm was a key element in living life I never knew existed yet, here it was in my face. The God of my own understanding. As if overnight I had calmed down. In spite of my still negative racing mind there was a new kind of peace that came over me. I wouldn't say I was accountable but I had seemingly stopped running.
My first real awareness or say, clarity came on hard and fast as I began the second look at myself while writing my 4th. Sure, the first part was easy as I listed resentments. Pointed the finger at all the people places and things that angered me, got in my way, dominated me my entire life. Yep..It's all their fault. Blame was the tool of the day seemingly everyday as far back as I remembered. Blame had gotten me this far but now without the booze? It was insanity. Untreated alcoholism. The blame was boundless. My willingness to believe in the spirit of things offered courage overpowering blame. A willingness to piece together my fragmented reality seemed to come from nowhere with no real explanation.. I couldn't put my finger on it or selfishly use it to validate myself yet, here it was. A willingness to believe followed by a willingness to put the pen to the paper. In that order.
Could they have been right? "They" meaning whoever was dominating me, jockeying for position, forcing my fear by creating my overwhelming obsession at the time? I was in completely new territory here in the Big Book 12 Steps. It wasn't as simple as them against me no, it was me against them. I had somehow created this whole distorted version of me in my life? So what now? I was not the innocent victim? Then who was I? Blame was such a powerful destructive tool, I couldn't use it against myself. I could see that acceptance was needed but how? I couldn't accept anything really. I had to be in total control in order to validate myself.
Damn! People dominated me. I had a seemingly justified resentment and was beating myself senseless over it. I thought I had the power of anger on my side when actually this anger created complete chaos. These resentments took all my energy to maintain each day. Placing all the responsibility on others for how I felt about myself. They're doing this to me! There was no other explanation. I was fighting it. Fighting to create my own emotional security....