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Posted by on in Alcoholism

When most of us who's end game is drowning in hopelessness?   The drunken delusions of the "real alcoholic" can no longer hold the self serving insanity in check. Alcohol stops working and we are rescued by AA, our new place to be.  Although generally secure in our new found AA daycare center, we haven't changed anything except putting down the drink. We or lets say I?  Was out to accomplish one thing. Survive. I had absolutely no idea about living as AA suggested only my own survival. Fortunately AA was ready for me. I wasn't the first or last to show up with absolutely no coping skills. No, pretty much the lot of us were plagued with fear and bound in selfishness.

 

 SURVIVING ISN'T LIVING. WHO KNEW?

This revelation could really just be a wake up call had I known anything but my own negative thinking.. Offering purpose in the big void that overwhelms some of us in our new found sobriety. We hear around the halls about others living, letting go of the selfishness and self centered fear.

For me, making it day by day without anesthesia was completely new.. Yes we put the drink down yet no, we lack any control over ourselves or our surroundings. All I had was my fragmented ability to mimic another's stage presentation. Without them to mirror off of? I was alone. The "all hat and no cattle" thing.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

IT'S COMPLICATED.

And to be clear? My experience is not the rule of alcoholism. We do share a common bond in AA sure. But it's not about how we all suffer the same symptoms. It's about how we all recover.   The common bond is willingness.

Alcoholism is described by many as a disease. I'll go along with that. For the sake of this post I compare it to the likes of heart disease. Heart disease is generally an array of symptoms that cause the pump to stop working properly. Pump stops? You die. As with alcoholism "disease", these symptoms are not always the same. Heart disease can be the build up of arterial plaque causing the heart to work much harder producing less and less blood flow. Combine this with diabetes or obesity, over exertion, lack of exercise, improper diet, ignorance etc. And we tilt. Sometimes we have another shot at life and sometimes we don't. The death certificate reads heart disease.

No different than the many symptoms of the alcoholism disease. The drink itself is a major factor. What type and level of consumption. Why some people drink to compensate. Yes some do love the taste of booze while others drink solely for their love of the effect and ignore the taste. Some are dominated by their horriffic past and others cannot face the current days responsibilities. Some act out in fear, others drink to mask their self centered fears. Many deny physical consequences.  Some fight for the right to drink as they will with no accountability or thought of others.. Just like the heart "disease". Anyone can create a blank to fill that pertains to them specifically. So yeah.. As far as I can tell? Alcoholism is a disease.

That being said it would make sense that simply putting down the alcohol is not enough to overcome the alcoholism disease. Just like if you simply stop eating salt it will cure heart disease.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Thank you for sharing your life. Rest in peace. 

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

 Step 9. Made direct amends wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Great! Not a problem. Movin on! 

First impression for me, Step 9 was kind of a one shot big apologies deal where I made an honest and humble approach. Sober, newly reborn and living on the suggested spiritual path, I go back and in all honesty expose my seemingly at times demonic harmful, and well.. always selfish behavior.  I'm doing this because I can. I see it. I have seen myself finally, how I have devoured people in my endless search for emotional security by feeding on their spirits. Leaving the most promising relationships in a pile of bleached bones. Of course this is much too late for many sad wives, girlfriends, and blameless children..

In cleaning up my past in my 9th Step I have already come to terms with my sex conduct in my 4th and 5th Steps. I am free to talk about myself. My conduct. I can admit my extreme selfishness, extreme fear everywhere. My need for psychological romance. Even humble myself and admit my inability to see others needs. How I recognize them as a threat, if I can't control them I destroy them. I have been an extreme example self-will run riot as described in the Book. Not just with self-centeredness and self-seeking behavior controlling my resentments but sex conduct also. That whole "if I can't have them nobody can" thing. I am completely full of myself. It has to be all about me. I am dominated by extreme self centeredness. A frustrated dictator of sorts..

I see the survivor in me and how my relationships were more a reoccurring hostage taking nightmare for everyone involved than a shared effort in meeting life's challenges. No partnerships, just me and my need for new stage props. A people places and things upgrade to create daily scripted presentation of a man with high self esteem. See me and follow my script everyone looking at me and admiring what I can do. Hop, twirl, spin and bow to the crowd. I am not a loser, I'm not a failure. All those people or basically everyone before I met you are wrong about me. You will co-sign me, validate me, save me, fix me, surrender your life to me by becoming the missing piece to my puzzle. You hold the map to my emotional labyrinth.. Sex is the key. Having sex with me means you love me. Of course there will be sex for me. You will prove your love to me daily. We will have sex and create a emotional bond of love and happiness from it. Just like in the movies.

I see the survivor. I see myself as sick. There's nothing good about it yet it is what it is, factual, I have seen it in black and white in my inventory.. My selfish sex conduct, my inability to have healthy or atleast balanced emotional relationships with anyone sexual or not. This often harsh reality has nothing on what comes next as I head down to the basement where the evil lives. I am armed with my spiritual higher power for courage and strength to face the worst of my demons. I understand that for many who suffer in themselves this may not be enough so. I put on my spiritual armor and speak for myself from here on out. I wish only the best for those who cannot or simply will not confront their sexual abuse horrors.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Looking at myself has never been easy and rarely attempted. Mostly I hoped I would just go away and leave me alone in denial. Alcohol helped for a time but like everything else? Although alcohol is a great and well documented remover? It could not overtake the progressive malady and eventually completely stopped removing myself, leaving me drunk and exposed as if somehow drunk and sober at the same time. Caught with no excuses in my familiar revolving self imposed crisis where I blame the world and the world blames me for who or what I am. Relying on the fight, the anger and resentment to give me power to live another day.

The outrageous alcohol abuse has actually helped me bottom out on my people problem. Seeing my past and present life surrounded by an emotional barbed wire fence. Protecting myself and my trust issues? Nobody comes in or goes out. Without the alcohol I would have probably just been a irrational self absorbed narcissistic jerk and gone on to 4 or 5 marriages, a half dozen geographical cures, ending up in local politics? That whole bull in a china shop chestnut. People listen to me rather than face my wrath. But I was lucky in a sense. The alcohol took me down before I could do any more damage to myself or others.

Sure I have tried to get a grip on relationships many times? I have even had complete enablers who could care less about me or my conduct, just wanted a friend. They say they like my company and still? I can't do it. It's as if all they are, everything they offer isn't enough. The welcome mat girlfriends, the outcasts of society who always settle for less. No matter. I simply will not risk being hurt. I must remain in control even if I have no idea what I'm controlling. I am trapped in my self-centered fear.

I get glimpses of my fragmented state. I am much too damaged to begin with, scarred really. Tattooed. My entire life as a burden, a constant source of pain and suffering. In a nutshell? I am completely unaccountable. I live in a state of constant self-pity. The victim. Blaming people places and things for my failures. I am constantly baffled by my ability to survive on my emotional diet of nothing and nobody. Never realizing I need people to support my self pity. Lots of people. I think I am all alone and no body loves me when in fact I am using many at once.

I want friends don't I? Relationships personal or otherwise enjoyable interaction. But always find myself threatened by self centeredness and slip into the security of selfishness as if drawn to it's familiarity.  My permanent home base. As if any exposed feelings send me spiraling into damage control on an emotionally pre greased slide back into self. I mean damn man! I want to have sober friends and engage with others, I really do. I meet someone? I try to spend time with them? I become afraid and selfishly jockey for position to boost my flagging emotional security. The more I am willing to risk the more I am going to run. My honesty becomes deception. My willingness scripted. Inevitably I turn around, passing myself on the way back into my deep state of terminal uniqueness where I'm safe leaving the empty shell exposed back on the firing line. Here.. My empty shell will be your friend.  As if my happy place is not happy at all. It just becomes a place where the hope of you liking me, accepting me, is paramount to my existence. You like me so I can like myself. My arrangement of people in an ongoing effort to save myself. I worship them just as they worship their God.  I mirror myself in them for some semblance of self worth thereby worshipping them only.  It stops there, I do not worship their God. 

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