I left some money under the seat in my truck thinking I was somehow hiding it from myself. Really? I was just afraid to take it all with me. Not sure how much, maybe a grand or more. A small stack compared to what I separated into two pockets. Most of the wad came with me. Left pocket was for when the right pocket was empty and I had a moment to consider my options before replenishing the empty pocket. All hundreds except for the one I broke to fill up with gas on the way. The lesson learned, words of advice taken long ago...Never go to the Casino without a full tank to get home. I briefly wondered how this tidbit of common sense was available. As if setting myself up? Is this a sign post? Plain old denial? What? Obviously I wasn't stupid? It made me feel secure like I was thinking or, using my head maybe, doing the right thing. But that's where the self reliance stopped. The blurry line somewhere between making sure you could get home or proactive? And gambling with my life.
I had previously won big "for my league" and got out of town with most of it...The scenic ride over Donner Summit up $6800. and headed for the coast dreaming of all I could buy.. See ya later Nevada! Thanks! I got new tires on the way home and a much needed washer dryer set with plenty of cash to spare. Plus putting back in the bank the money I brought with me, every penny. I was truly winning. I couldn't wait to go back Jack, and... do it again.
Then the rain came down. Don't gamble when you're broke. Rational thinking I guess? Probably works for the stiffs. My last trip to Reno was a total loss from the start.. It was bad. Somehow I believed this time would be different. I would win big and stop just like before. Like there was such a thing as a blinding winning streak. Keep it coming. Quit my day job. Take my winnings and go home once a week that's all, just once a week and the rest of the time enjoy my time not working. Maybe enter toe emotional world of sports betting. Now, I only lost about $2800, but I needed that $2800. That wasn't from some savings account or shoebox, that money was accounted for already. It was for my current bills. I had been living barely week to week. I was actually broke and had just enough to pay what was basically due or over due. So really? I had stolen the money from myself and creditors to begin with and the pressure was on to double or triple it. As I drove home this time with the hole in my soul? Feeling like I had laid myself down on a drill press and just tore a hole in my chest, I told myself.. self I said? I will never do that again. I had surely learned the gambling lesson. Alcoholic? Gambler? Compulsive? Delusional? Well, yeah. Even who I was became a crap shoot. My entire life was a gamble.