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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Money! money! money! money! Now sober and working? Look at all the money I've got. I me mine! Hundreds laid out on the bed. Me and my money! This is great! Finally I am somebody..

Ok sure I hear at the meetings about the hole in the soul? The flawed character, defective even? Dysfunctional behavior yeah yeah..Lacking in responsibility, no coping skills. Not anymore no, not me. I've got money!

So now what? Lesson number 454 in living sober. Fear of financial insecurity will leaves us? When! Lesson number 453 was if I don't brush my teeth they rot and fall out and I got that. And lesson number 452 that led to lesson 453, I can't live on cookies and milk. AND lesson number 451 that started it all,  go to the Dr. when something is wrong with me. Lesson 450, does everybody get weird rashes on their face? No. It's as if I have no common sense, yet I know not to walk in front of a speeding bus? I just don't get it. There's got to be a line somewhere. Somewhere between inward and outward reality. Lesson number 449. I'm not everybody? And 448, slow it down to 24 hours at a time? Cripes! What ever happened to lesson number 2, keep it simple. That's freaken long gone. Now I'm hung up on lesson 449 and just moved on? I can handle it? Give it to me I'll fix it? I know what's best for everybody? But that never works. That was lesson 2 hundred something I think. I can't manage this mess!

 

I've got money but I don't know what to do with it? I can't manage it properly? Really? What am I a 2 year old? I'm 28 years old! A grown man! Damn this whole alcoholic thing.. Damn it to hell! I would do just about anything to be normal. Or what I think normal is. This is it then. Alcoholism. This is why I can't have nice things. It's the alcoholic curse, I can't blame the alcohol anymore, I stopped drinking it. I'm doomed to live in the ism!

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

 Sometimes I do wish I was one of the smarter ones in AA. The educated crowd. That like them, I could read and retain with sufficient memory what others seem to easily grasp. AA history? Additions to sober living through Carl Jung philosophies or Emmet Fox teachings. Christianity? Buddhism? The progressive understanding and effectiveness of Bill Wilson's experience with religions. If only I could see clearly the relevancy of some letter written from Bill W to Sister Ignatia in the AA archives or grasp the undertones of Dr Bobs religious base. I would love to be able to remember who alcoholic number three was and be available for discussion when it arises with the new man? The name of the Hospital where the guy in the bed picture was from? What year Alanon was formed or the first 12/12 published? I would quote old Grapevine articles with assurance.

 

Participate, be a part of it all when and wherever? Ebby? Sure, Ebby was to become Bills sponsor? Spiritual advisor maybe? He shows up at Bills door unrecognizable   on fire from the religious leanings of the..the.. I can't remember. ((Oxford Group)) Got it! The Oxford group. But I can't retain any of it really. Even if I am lucky and remember it.. It's been proven time and again that even at my sharpest? My best? I still suffer in self. The selfishness and fear are still here. Oh not anywhere near the paralyzing selfishness and fear I showed up with but still here and there lurking. Oddly, my hope lies in the simple willingness suggested in the Big Book 12 Step format. No intellect needed really.. I am willing therefore I am. Not willing and I become nothing. Fortunately I can grasp the importance of willingness. I have found, seen times where all I seem to have is willingness? I am ok with just willingness. I get it. Willingness is indispensable. I read it in the Book and retain it throughout my day. Simple, yes, simple is good for me..

 

 The big question I ask myself arises often? Especially when wallowing in a new or seemingly reoccurring blank spot. How have I lived this long in this world being so incredibly burnt out in the head? I mean really now, I am freaken fried yet still manage to live sober and follow a suggested spiritual path in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Book says I am to give away what I have found. What could anyone possibly want that I have to offer? All I have really found is willingness. How do I give my willingness away? Doesn't another need their own willingness?

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

It's coming hard and fast. Building momentum in the past say 10 years. Pushing. Huffing and puffing at the door. Will it finally get inside? Will abstinence be overthrown? Replaced with a six gun filled with magic recovery bullets?

 

Do no harm. I get it. Nobody I know anyway wants to harm anyone. Intentionally anyway. We've seen pain, we've lived the suffering of untreated alcoholism. We feel pain and fear whether it's ours or someone else's. Many of us like myself are co-dependent. I live others lives as a hopeful alternative to my own fragmented realities. Sometimes there is short term relief. It's difficult to measure. It's more like seeking security in the familiar. I do what I believe or at least think others want and they're going to be happy so in turn I'm happy. That whole like me so I can like myself chestnut.

Then again, nobody I know lives by the Hippocratic oath. It's not an AA requirement. We're generally not doctors, healers, hell we're not even missionaries. We're alcoholic men and women who have found recovery in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. In my world? The Big Book 12 Step world? This suggested program of recovery begins with a admission of hopelessness. There is no selfie stick and book on positive affirmations offered. Just the admitted loss of reasoning needed to simply take a drink of alcohol or leave it alone. A powerlessness. That is my ticket. My winning ticket. 

Seemingly we are a doomed lot. The fellowship offers opportunity. A comfort zone for those of us who find a new beginning through kindly acts every night at the AA meetings. Camaraderie, emotional security offered to those of us who's lives have been ravaged in the grips of alcoholism. So yeah. We're damaged people. We don't want to hurt anybody anymore than we already have. We have been rescued. AA is our safe place and for once? We are not afraid when people are kind. There is nothing to steal.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

It's about giving, I get it. Giving freely, learning to give freely I should say. Willingness. Sharing myself, my abilities, my sober benefits, without expectation. Grace. 

 

It's easier to give at Christmas, most everybody's doing it. Christians anyway. I'm more than not Christian myself. Enough to not show "full frontal" in the Garden of Eden anyway. So it's my time of year to move freely. I can give a little or actually give a lot more. Awareness is high. I could give everything I have away and get away with it so Yeah! I'm ready to get in line and give freely of what I have found..

I found a new place to give this year. (((THE NURSING HOME))). It's a heavy place really. Mostly emotionally torn up roads that detour or close and end here.. On any given day the people coming in and out are struck with emotion coping with their elderly and sick. Family members putting their axes down for a hour visit in peace. The old man walking back to his car five times to check on himself. Lost and alone while his wife lays in her room waiting for it all to end. What do you do here? What do I have to offer here? Everything I have cannot measure up to the needs of these people.

In years past the family shelters, halfway houses and such. They were easy in comparison. Not that there's anything easy about a battered women shelter of Family holding shelter, no. Absolutely not. I mean wrapped winter hats and gloves, mittens and puzzles well, It was a easy fit in comparison for me. Me, not them. I could buy a pile of seemingly good stuff and wrap it all up and drop it off at the shelter Christmas eve. Done.

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Posted by on in Alcoholism

Important Points Regarding Amends & Restitution

Excerpted from the Big Book’s explanation of Step 9, pages 76 - 83

 

Amend type (a) – The people we hated / resented (page 77:1 – 78:1):

It may be some have done us more harm than we have done them. With a person we dislike, we take the bit in our   teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy than a friend, but the benefit is greater.

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