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Trauma and Pornography Addiction

Posted by camryenwalker
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on Thursday, 17 April 2014
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The link between childhood trauma and porn use is strong, with significant physiological and psychological impacts. Children who experience trauma are more likely to develop emotional intimacy issues later in life, including porn addiction, sex addiction and x.

 

What is Childhood Trauma?

In children, traumatic experiences can include sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, exposure to violence, witnessing violence, divorce, deaths, neglect, a natural disaster or troubling event like a car crash or fire. In each case, children are exposed to events that are too overwhelming for them to cope with.

 

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How To Protect Your Child From Sex Offenders

Posted by AndresGuevara
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on Tuesday, 17 December 2013
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More often than not, sexual offenses have little or nothing to do with sex. Rather, they have to do with power and control. It is not always strangers who participate in heinous sexual offenses, as it has been increasingly found that even people you might be familiar with and trust could very well be party to such crimes. There is a thin line between sexual offenses and sex addiction. Sex addiction is a progressive and compulsive urge to engage in sexual activities, whereas sex offense is a non-consensual sexual activity. However, some sex offenses are a result of an unchecked addiction to sex, although the percentage of this is said to be low.

Not all sex addicts are sexual offenders. If you have had a history of sex addiction (or not) but have been wrongly convicted for a sex crime, you can consult or hire an experienced attorney who can help you defend yourself in court.

Sex offenders can be male or female. Some of the most serious cases of sexual abuse have been those involving not just adults, but also children. Parents are required to take precautions and guard their children against pedophiles as most of them turn out to be someone the parents trust, is familiar to the child and/or a person of authority. Some of the common behavioral traits, which should act as warning signs for parents, that are found among child sex abusers are:

  • Telling the child that they are special and treating them differently from other kids
  • Looking for excuses to spend time alone with the child
  • Touching the child inappropriately, especially on intimate body parts
  • Asking the child to carry out activities that involve intimate physical contact like massaging/rubbing the body, applying ointments, etc. or performing the same on the child
  • Looking at or touching the child's body on the pretext of observing their growth and development
  • Saying or describing sexual things to the child
  • Talking to the child about their body and their overall appearance in a sexual way
  • Showing sexually explicit pictures and videos to the child
  • Entering the child's room or bathroom when they are also in there
  • Not letting the child have friends and not letting him do things that other children do like playing, going out, etc.
  • Insisting that the child must not talk to anyone else except him/her (the pedophile)

Increase

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SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE IN ADDICTION RECOVERY

Posted by Cate
Cate
Cate Stevens. Founder of Addictionland.com, has over fifteen years of recovery f
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on Tuesday, 19 March 2013
in Sex Addiction 0 Comments

I had an epiphany today.  I've been suffering for years in my marriage because of the emphasis I have placed on sex over all other aspects.  My marital sex life hasn't lived up to my high expectations and has changed dramatically since I gave birth to my son six years ago. 

I know that addiction is often seen as the disease of mis-perception. Instead of seeing the good in situations or even seeing things as they actually are, addicts like me tend to have a distorted vision of reality based on our excessive self-centered needs.

What I realized today is that my marriage, like any other area of my life,  is either an extreme success or an extreme failure based on how I measure success.  If Earth shattering sex on a regular basis is the core measurement of success in my marriage, I join the ranks of many other adults whose sex life suffers for a variety of reasons.  If, however, I measure success in my marriage based on being with a personIncrease who is selfless, thoughtful, hardworking, honest, talented, nurturing, creative, light hearted, spiritual, loving and communicative (to name a few of his assets), my marriage rests in the upper echelon of excellence.

It's up to me to choose where I put my attention.  What I can't change myself, I surrender in a third step to my HP and affirm my certainty that any problem I face can be fixed with spiritual aide.  If all of my addictions could be arrested a day at a time, anything I face has a solution.

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Sex Addiction: Marriage or Divorce?

Posted by janique
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on Thursday, 27 December 2012
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Increase

 

 

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Male Mastrubation Addiction - How Much Is Too Much?

Posted by janique
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on Sunday, 16 December 2012
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Masturbation is normal
Masturbation is defined as self-stimulation of the genitals. Touching or rubbing your own genitals to feel good is part of normal human sexual development and can help relieve stress, teach you about your body, provide personal comfort and be pleasurable. Although many cultures still actively discourage masturbation and place moral constraints on sexual behavior, masturbation is a part of normal human experience. Masturbating does not mean that you are promiscuous, oversexed or deviant.
When masturbation becomes a problem
Many people are uncomfortable talking about masturbation at all. The truth is that Whether you masturbate at all, and how often you do, is completely up to you. However, if masturbation is practiced excessively or under inappropriate circumstances, you might have a problem. Furthermore, masturbation may cause guilt and psychological pain from the disapproval of others. These feelings can result in considerable distress and can even affect sexual performance. But when is masturbation unhealthy? Masturbation and the urge to masturbate become unhealthy when masturbation:

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HURTS SO GOOD, MY ASS

Posted by LoveAddict
LoveAddict
October: Award-winning author, journalist, and screenwriter Ethlie Ann Vare has
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on Wednesday, 31 October 2012
in Sex Addiction 0 Comments


Sometimes, things are first noticed by their absence.  "What happened to the sofa in the living room?"  "It seems awfully quiet in here all of a sudden."  "Didn't the sky used to be blue?" So it is with love addiction.  The first clue that we're addicted to something is generally when we start jonesing for it.  Or him.  It's like the old joke about the little kid who didn't talk for five years, and then all of a sudden complains about his lumpy mashed potatoes.  "Everything was fine up 'til now."   


Withdrawal in love addiction is like withdrawal from any other mind-altering drug: miserable, painful, intense.  Pretty much the only difference between this and withdrawal from heroin is the soundtrack.  Most junkies don’t play Leonard Cohen songs over and over again as they shudder and shake. The weeping and the vomiting are about the same.


It amazes people how physical withdrawal can be.  Who would have thought that simply not picking up the phone would lead to sleeplessness, nausea and headaches?  He cancels a movie date, I get a rash.  WTF?  But brain chemistry is brain chemistry, and whether it’s the dopamine rush from a winning blackjack hand or the touch of His hand, the phenomenon of craving and the symptoms of withdrawal persist.


There’s your mild withdrawal after, say, a couple of dates.  That ache you feel when you don't get the phone call you expected.  You begin to long for the sound of that voice. The relief you feel when you do hear it is what any reasonable drug addict would call a fix. Take that fix away for too long, and someone’s going to be lying on the floor, clutching their stomach, staring at the phone and/or howling at the moon.


Get in too deep, or go too long without the object of your desire, and what I call Affection Deficit Disorder kicks in bigtime. You have no appetite. You cry without warning, quite randomly, and frequently in public. You can’t sleep… or you can’t do anything but sleep.  I did get in terrific shape during one withdrawal, because I couldn’t eat and hitting the heavy bag was the only thing keeping me semi-sane.  But then there was this other time when I couldn’t get out of bed and Ding-Dongs were the only thing keeping me semi-sane….

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NOW WHAT?

Posted by LoveAddict
LoveAddict
October: Award-winning author, journalist, and screenwriter Ethlie Ann Vare has
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on Tuesday, 23 October 2012
in Sex Addiction 0 Comments

As you either knew or hoped, there is a recovery program for the obsessive-compulsive sex and love patterns we’ve been discussing. As with most addictive behaviors, the 12-step model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous is effective both in immediate behavior modification and long-term emotional/spiritual healing. AA begat SA (Sexoholics Anonymous) which begat SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) which begat SCA (Sexual Compulsives Anonymous) which begat SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) which begat the small but growing LAA (Love Addicts Anonymous.)

By and large, sex addiction and love addiction have the same social stigma today that alcoholism had in the 1930s and drug addiction did in the 1950s. By the ‘80s, no one really cared that you were a drunk (see Dudley Moore in “Arthur”) or a cokehead (see Al Pacino in “Scarface.”) But stalking your fantasy beloved, or running up six-figure phone-sex bills, are still downright embarrassing. And no one wants to be that person dragged along the floor, clutching someone’s ankle as they’re walking out of the room.

By the 2000s, SLAA had become the most socially acceptable of all these shame-based “S-programs.” Male and female, gay and straight, young and old… homemakers could work their way out of abusive relationships in the same room as rent boys could work their way out of the bathhouse. The gal who couldn’t imagine not earning stares for her low-cut necklines could relate to the flasher who felt powerless unless he was wagging his weenie. It’s all about feeling invisible unless you’re perceived as a sexual being. You’re nobody until somebody loves you, as the song goes. Or at least desires you.

Generally, men are willing to admit they’re sex addicts and loathe to cop to their love obsession. Whereas women will identify as love junkies or romance addicts and not want to embrace their sexual profligacy. What both realize very quickly is that sex and love are two sides of the same coin. Often, sex is the coin women trade for love; words of love are currency that men trade for sex.  

Dear depraved sex addict: As soon as you stop banging everything in sight I guarantee you will fall desperately, adolescently in love with the first stripper who smiles at you. Dear wholesome romance junkie: Erase His number from your phone and take down His pictures, and you will achieve a new personal best in one-night stands. It’s the old game of mental whack-a-mole. Give up smoking and eat yourself fat. Give up drinking and shop yourself broke.

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SEXUAL SOBRIETY - "NOT EVEN BEER?"

Posted by LoveAddict
LoveAddict
October: Award-winning author, journalist, and screenwriter Ethlie Ann Vare has
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on Tuesday, 16 October 2012
in Sex Addiction 0 Comments

Sexual Sobriety – “Not even beer?”

A reader asks:  Thank you so much for addressing the issue. 
What's the solution? 
Not to look at porn all? 
I know it's a stupid question. 
Not much different than "not even beer?" 
I’m just so scared, even with all the security and anonymity of this site, opening up is so scary.
 I know what John Meyer means.
 It's the chase. It's all that time spent that the next "one" is gonna be the right "clip", but before I accept it as "the one", I tell myself "there must be something a little better than this", and get back to searching.
 After all that search, before i know it, hours have passed.
 Or it's morning already..
. A rosy pink picture!

Thank you for writing and validating that I’m neither talking into a vacuum nor spewing a bunch of hogwash. Internet porn addiction is real, it hurts, and this is what it looks like.  A lot like cocaine addiction, really, what with hearing the birds singing and realizing it’s morning and you’ve overshot the mark on more time.
The good news: Sexual sobriety does not mean either celibacy or spinsterhood.  The bad news: Yeah, you’re probably going to have to stop jacking off to porn.  Sorry.
As you guessed, the solution that seems to work best for this addiction is, indeed, the 12 Steps as described by Alcoholics Anonymous.  But “not even beer” isn’t necessarily the right analogue.  After all, we need sex and love in our lives; we don’t need beer (even if it feels like that sometimes!)  So, how to have a healthy balance when – if you’re like me – your idea of “middle ground” is a clothesline stretched across a football field…
A good comparison, I believe, is Overeaters Anonymous.  You need nourishment to live, but you need abstinence to thrive.  So you set your bottom lines: “No sugar“ and “no white flour” are common.  Some people recognize other trigger foods and eliminate them from their diet as well.  What a sex and love addict does is set bottom lines and maintain complete abstinence from those behaviors.
Unlike, say, speed, I could always take or leave pornography.  My first sexual bottom lines were “no sleeping with married men” and “no boinking anyone less than half my age.”  That gives you some idea what my so-called love life looked like!  For someone who is spending more time than he planned to -- or wanted to, or knows is good for them – looking at internet porn, I would start with at least a 30-day cooling off period.  No porn in any form, no masturbation… no flirting or dating for 30 days, either, lest you just slop over into love addiction, the flip side of sex addiction.  Some people are okay with a content blocker on their computer; others have to get offline entirely for a while.  Think of it as a palate cleanser.  (Feel free to add your own “amuse bouche” pun here…._
After the overstimulated sexual thermostat regulates itself, you can start reintroducing healthy sexual behavior.  Like, for instance, sex.  Addiction creates such weird reward circuits in our brains that porn can feel more erotic than actual sex.  Nature would rather you had actual sex, and will cooperate with your efforts.  Just like Nature would rather you had actual food, and will encourage you by giving you a stronger, leaner, hotter body.
So drop that metaphorical 50-pound weight you’re carrying around and give it a chance.  Try it for a month.  Or a week.  Or – and here’s a novel thought! – One Day At A Time.

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PORNOGRAPHY AND SEX ADDICTION: 21ST CENTURY PROBLEMS

Posted by LoveAddict
LoveAddict
October: Award-winning author, journalist, and screenwriter Ethlie Ann Vare has
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on Tuesday, 09 October 2012
in Sex Addiction 1 Comment

By Ethlie Ann Vare


David Kessler, the former head of the Food and Drug Administration, posits in his book "The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite" that the modern food industry intentionally layers fat, sugar and salt in its products to trigger our craving for more food.  “They aren't selling just any commodity,” says Kessler.  “They've designed highly stimulating products, substances that excessively activate the reward circuits of the brain, and consumers come back for more.”

This is the scientific basis for banning 64-ounce sodas in New York City movie theaters: junk food is literally turning us into food addicts.  Well, sugary foods aren’t the only easily available, highly stimulating products on the market with a risk of triggering obsessive and destructive behavior.  You could say that internet pornography is the junk food of sex and love addiction.

No STD’s, no cash changing hands, no getting rousted by the Vice Squad… in the digital age, all anyone needs is a smartphone and, voila, hot and cold running sexual fantasies.  For most teenage boys, access to pornography 24/7 generally means pornography, 24/7.  But there’s a larger problem: the nature of the sexual fantasies themselves.  Like the complex, supercharged flavors of pretzel M&M’s or salted caramel ice cream, the intensity and variety of pornographic images available online go right for the brain’s reward circuits, creating that instant gratification feedback loop that easily turns into an addictive groove.

Recent studies show that watching pornography stimulates more brain activity in the dopamine receptors than having actual sex does.  Dopamine is the neurochemical that signals not just pleasure and gratification, but the anticipation of pleasure and gratification, which is often even more exciting. (For me, sorry to report, the anticipation is almost always more exciting than the event.  Whatever the event may be…)

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LOVE IS THE DRUG. REALLY.

Posted by LoveAddict
LoveAddict
October: Award-winning author, journalist, and screenwriter Ethlie Ann Vare has
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on Monday, 01 October 2012
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Anyone who tells you that love addiction is just like drug addiction has it wrong.  Love addiction isn’t like drug addiction at all.  It’s exactly the same thing.  Falling in love triggers a cascade of chemicals in the brain identical to the waterfall of chemicals launched by a line of cocaine, a snoot full of champagne, or a winning roll of the dice.  Research scientists now have the brain scans to prove it.

And if you’re like me, who never met a feel-good brain chemical she didn’t want more of, that can be tricky.  Because the flip side of this flowing fountain of yumminess is that, when the chemical cascade recedes, it feels exactly like withdrawal from heroin or nicotine or sugar.  When you are curled up in the fetal position, aching for the phone to ring, just to hear that voice… one… more… time…. You aren’t metaphorically jonesing for him.  You are literally jonesing for him.

I like this description by a woman caught in the throes of love addiction:
“The compulsion to call was completely beyond my control. I couldn’t stop myself. I would hold off for short intervals, but always there would come the tide of an overpowering necessity. I was engulfed in it; I felt such a sense of panic that I really believed I would die if I didn’t pick up that phone.”

A tide of overpowering necessity.”  The phrase is striking, lyrical, and accurate.  It’s also me cheating.  I took that paragraph from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous; it’s actually about the writer’s relationship with booze.  I just replaced the word “drink” with “call” and “phone.”  Works, though, doesn’t it?  If you’ve ever felt a sense of all-consuming urgency to dial that number, drive by that house, read that journal or check that Facebook page, you know what it’s like to be inundated by an oceanic wave, struggling desperately to reach the surface and just please, God, finally breathe again.

Compulsion: a key distinction between addiction and willful misbehavior.  
Another way to tell if you have love addiction, as opposed to puppy love (and, seriously, how graceful is it to still have puppy love at thirty-eight?) is that you suffer the twin phenomena of craving and withdrawal.  Craving is the need to replay the voice mail just to hear the sound of his voice, and the exhale that comes when you do.  Craving is the agitation you feel waiting for him to show up at the door, so anxious that even if he’s on time it feels like he’s late.  Craving is what makes you drive by, hang up, check again, ask around, look at pictures of the two of you . . . and then snap at your kid.

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