Addictionland - Addiction Recovery Blog

I created Addictionland.com for many reasons. One reason was to have an outlet to express myself in writing, which I enjoy and need.  Writing helps me purge my emotions, become aware of my thoughts and feelings and, ultimately, guides me to what needs doing.

Right now, I am feeling a full range of emotions due to my powerlessness over my mother's chemotherapy gone wrong, ongoing ordeal.  I have felt angry, sad, irritable, grateful, hopeless, hopeful, desparate, guilty, and relieved.  Today, I feel a combination of tired, sad, strong, healthy, powerless and scared.  I am grateful recovery has put me in touch with this range of emotions.  When I was active in my addiction, all I felt was frightened, angry, depressed and bewildered.

My mom is having trouble breathing due to  her lung cancer, chemotherapy, medications, emotional trauma and COPD.  I don't know of many situations worse than that, excluding the loss of the life of a child or something of that nature.  I know what it is like to not be able to catch your breath.  When I used to use cocaine, I sometimes had full fledged anxiety attacks where my heart would pound and my breathing was rapid and I thought I might die.  When I see my mom breathe hard like that, it takes me back to those moments and I feel tremendous pain for her.

This morning, my mom said she felt depressed and wanted to be alone today to sort through her options and thoughts.  When I spoke to my dad, he couldn't handle her wanting to be alone.  It brought up tremendous waves of pain and fear in him.  Feeling safe with me as he should, he let his grief out and I caught it.  My dad's inability to cope combined with my mom's coming to terms with her situation left me in some agony myself.

My mother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer.  A few months back, I wrote how I was worried about her health. I knew she suffered from COPD and extra weight and I sensed there was more going on then my eyes could see.  My intuitive has developed as a result of working the 12 steps over thirteen years and sometimes, it causes me pain to be so aware.

My sponsor once said, "You will never experience great joy until you learn to experience great pain."  I didn't understand what she meant at the time, but today I do.  To connect with the energy of any moment, be it a celebration or shock, you need to stay in that moment.  You need to learn how to let go of the past and the future.  This is certainly no easy task.

The 12 steps enables me to do this, a day at a time.  When I forget to do this, my friends and sponsor remind me.  Other times, my fatigue, sadness or agitation remind me that I am off track.  Today, all of my emotions help signal me whether I am on the beam or off the beam.  And, I've learned that even in the worst of moments when I hear dreaded news like my mom is ill, I can feel good because I am certain the 12 steps will enable me to be the best daughter possible.

The 12 steps have taught me that the world does not revolve around me.  When my mom is sick, she is the one who is sick and I am the one who needs to help her. It's not a time to try and get personal attention. It is the time to suit up and show up. 

Someone I love dearly is deteriorating before my eyes due to her addiction.  She quit smoking, but has severe COPD as a result of the years she did smoke.  Because she can't smoke, her addiction has morphed into food addiction.  Her small frame is crumbling under the additional weight and burden of damaged lungs.  She takes a few steps and has to sit down to catch her breath.  She is forced to accept an oxygen tank.

I break down and cry and tell her I am extremely worried about her.  I tell her there is nothing morally wrong with her.  I tell her she suffers from the same addiction I suffer from.  I remind her I once couldnt stop throwing up my food.  I remind her I once couldnt stop doing cocaine and smoking cigarettes.  I remind her that treatment and therapy and 12 step programs work and they will work for her if she accepts some help.

I tell her she is worth it. I urge her to put herself first.  I let her know everyone will be fine if she goes away and concentrates on getting the support she deserves.  I take a deep breath and pray to G-d she is hearing me. I pray to G-d she will be open.  She worries that I am worried and she tries to assure me she is taking steps to help herself.  Unfortunately, I sense that without a Higher Power (namely, a community of liked minded people who can understand and support her), she will have no defense against the first whatever.  She will make a million commitments to "being better this time" and fail. She will swear against the hamburger and fries and wonder how they ended up in her mouth again.

I am not a pessimist. I have faith in G-d, but I also believe a person has to accept the Good in order for it to work in his or her life.  All too often we block our own Good with Ego and negativity.  We say "it won't work for me" or "I am different" or "I should be able to do this on my own."  I hate the fact that I am powerless over the addiction in someone I adore.  I hate the fact that with all the knowledge and resources I have at my disposal and all the connections I can make for her, it is not enough to change her.

I picked up my first cigarette in college.  My roommate smoked and asked me to join her for a Virginia Slim and a study break.  It didn't take long for cigarettes to accompany me to the coffee house or to bars/late night partys with alcohol and drug were served.  Soon, I developed a pack a day habit, although I rationalized that my ciggies were ultra lights.

I can't count how many times I tried to quit.  Each time I did, I lasted a few hours before a cigarette was back in my hand.  I purchased my  cigarettes from the drive through Farm store and every time I passed one, the cigarettes called me by name. "Pssst, Cate, come buy a pack. What's one more day going to matter?"

After a decade of smoking, I was choking and hacking.  I smelled, my car smelled, my clothes smelled and my breath smelled.  I couldnt leave the house without my ciggies in my purse.  I lied to dates so I wouldn't be a turn off.  I lied to my customers so I wouldnt be a fraud (hard to sell healthcare and smoke!)

A guy I was dating in recovery said to me, "It's me or the cigarettes."  My lust for him was greater than my desire to smoke so I decided to give quitting another try.  I used breathsavers to address my nicotine cravings.  I popped one in my mouth every time I wanted a smoke.  I jogged with frequency and used the 12 steps to address my obsession.