In this excerpt from her bestselling book on bulimia, Caroline Miller describes the criticism, shame and pressure that fueled her relentless self-loathing and despair. Ordinarily successful in all her endeavors, Caroline has trouble accepting her inability to assert will power to fix her eating disorder.
In grade school, I suffered from a feeling of inadequacy. I thought I should feel more girly or more popular or more confident. Instead, I walked around wishing I was as smart as my brother, as skinny as my best friend or as beautiful as Brooke Shields. I suffered the constant belief I would feel complete when I achieved "X".
As the years passed, my idea of "X' changed. I focused on the next boyfriend or the next job or my pant size to fulfill me. I got many of the things I wanted and still, I felt empty. As friends married, I wondered what was wrong with me. As cousins had children, I stewed in envy. In silent desperation I cried, "Where's my man? Where's my baby? Where's my great life?"
I made no connection between esteemable acts and my self-esteem. If I wanted to achieve success in life, I had to be willing to work for it. If I want to be thin or educated or well off, I needed to apply effort and be honest with myself. 
Because I cut corners (like binging and purging instead of eating right and exercising), I never felt whole.
Today, I know anything is possible when I am tenacious and I apply the right action.
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