Addictionland - Addiction Recovery Blog

I know I am juggling too many plates at once when I develop an uncontrollable twitch in my eye. Besides working a full time pharmaceutical job, I sponsor multiple girls in recovery, care for a 4 year old child, manage Addictionland and finalize my query letter.

While each activity is rewarding, the load of responsibility is more than I can handle at once. At this juncture of my recovery, balancing all aspects of my life is a challange.  I still do everything in extremes. Like my physician father who put his whole heart into the treatment and care of his patients, I put my whole heart into my career/recovery/childrearing and have little energy or enthusiasm for romance or relaxation.

I sense I am going through a big shift in my recovery because I can feel it within.  I am exhausted and stressed because I won't let go and let G-d. While I am excellent at pharmaceutical sales/promotions, I no longer want to be selling medications to doctors. Instead, I want to use my passion and skill set to educate people on the miracle of personal transformation with 12 step recovery. To achieve that, I must surrender my current income stream and trust that my needs will be met when I put my full attention on my heart's desire..

The universe keeps sending me signs to go with the flow and follow my dream. Unbelievable people and opportunities keep knocking on Addictionland's door.  My good awaits me and I can only accept it if I open both hands, drop the weight and allow myself to be happy.

In grade school, I suffered from a feeling of inadequacy. I thought I should feel more girly or more popular or more confident.  Instead, I walked around wishing I was as smart as my brother, as skinny as my best friend or as beautiful as Brooke Shields. I suffered the constant belief I would feel complete when I achieved "X".

As the years passed, my idea of "X' changed.  I focused on the next boyfriend or the next job or my pant size to fulfill me. I got many of the things I wanted and still, I felt empty.  As friends married, I wondered what was wrong with me.  As cousins had children, I stewed in envy. In silent desperation I cried, "Where's my man? Where's my baby? Where's my great life?"

I made no connection between esteemable acts and my self-esteem. If I wanted to achieve success in life, I had to be willing to work for  it. If I want to be thin or educated or well off, I needed to apply effort and be honest with myself. Because I cut corners (like binging and purging instead of eating right and exercising), I never felt whole.

Today, I know anything is possible when I am tenacious and I apply the right action.