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FEAR OF A.A. meetings and the people in them

Posted by IcU4IamLikeU
IcU4IamLikeU
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on Sunday, 19 December 2010
in Other Addictions 2 Comments

I love being alone. With no one around me. When I have to leave my house. It creates anxiety inside me. I take medications for PTSD and other mental disabilities. I am 90 days sober. I have been sober before. I know all about staying sober and AA. I have fibromyalgia and carpul in both hands. I had pmdd my whole life. Until just recently. For some it is called PMS. But for others like me with extreme PMS it is called PMDD. This made it very hard to stay sober. I would more often than not, pick up a drink during that cycle. I am 58 years old. I tried many things for PMDD and none worked. Another problem that occurred during my cycle was anger. Uncontrolled anger. I have a lot of rage stuffed deep down. Some times not far enough away from my mind and emotions. My PTSD has reared it's ugly head while sober. I beat up a woman at work. Sober. My son would get hit once a month. During my PMDD cycle. I would use cuss words at that time as well. Nothing much could be controlled with my PMDD. I was like another person. I was not on any medications for most of my life. I finally got help when I was 48 and my son was grown and gone from home. I went to my first AA meeting when my son was 2 years old. I guess I was 30 at that time. But before I went to an AA meeting. I had a spiritual awaking and went to a church. I went there every Sunday. And after a while I started AA meetings I think it was 5 days a week. I was a single mom. On welfare. No help from my family. No friends. And no help from my son's father. As I did not know who he was. AA scared me and I was very submissive. Church felt more comfortable to me. I had a criminal past and before that. An extremely abusive mother. She used beatings with wire coat hangers, There was mental abuse, as she never said a kind word. unless she was around someone she did not want them to know how she really was. Behind closed doors. Her words were cuss words and phrases like you piece of shit etc. Emotionally she never hugged or kissed me. I ran away from home at age 13. I was locked up 14 months. When I got out. I ran away again at 17. I ended up in the hands of a pimp in LA, Calif. I did 10 months in jail for him. I say for him because I had to do all the illegal things and he took all the money. What did I get in return? Jail time and a permanent record that stopped me from getting any type of good job. later on in life. I have have been raped 5 times. And twice I was kidnapped. I have had a gun held to me. And a knife. And have beaten up. My last rape was while I was trying to leave this pimp. I could not take it anymore. I started hitch-hiking. A trucker picked me up. But I did not realize there were 2 of them. I was coming from Calif. And going to New Orleans. I was raped by both of them. But as God would have it I did not get killed. I have tried to kill myself 5 times. One of those times, was when I wanted to find a way to stop the pain from being with the pimp. It almost worked. On that occasion I had an after-life experience. I was over my body. And than I went into the light. I woke up alive in the hospital. I was so mad I was still alive. And that even GOD didn't want me!!! I got away from this pimp by dancing in night clubs naked. And earning money. I found a sugar daddy that took care of me. There was no sex with him. Just living together. He paid the rent and my food and bought my drinks and drugs. It was a very strange set-up. But very true. We never ever had sex in all the 40 years I knew him. It was hard to break away from him. I was very co-Dependant. I had a baby by this pimp. I gave him up for adoption in 1971. I never got over it. And a year later. I started having sex all the time. So I could have another baby to keep. When I realized it wasn't going to happen. I went to Canada. I was a dancer there. I got pregnant 1978 and came back to America. I lived in that co dependent relationship again.Deep down inside I did not want that for me and my baby. I was ashamed by it. I stopped drinking and smoking while pregnant. That led me to believe that I could stop anytime I wanted. That was so wrong. I think the hormones were in perfect working order while I was carrying my child. But after was another thing. I picked up a drink and could not stop. I was horrified. As this wasn't my plan for my life with my new son.  I came to believe if I could just get away and out of the relationship I would be fine. I moved and started drinking. I was arrested and my son was taken from me. In the jail. I had a spiritual awaking. A peace came over me that I never had felt before. And I just knew I would be OK from than on. I was on welfare when I went to my first meeting. As I said before I was going to Church and reading the bible. I was a mixture of spiritually and religion. I was a bad person trying to be a good person. I had a long rap sheet. I was a stripper, and a past whore. Stripping was a step up for me. Considering where I had come from. But that wouldnt cut it in AA meetings. These people were sharing their past. I was unlucky enough to have been going to a certain meeting that they only shared their past. Hardly any steps or big book or sponsership was going on. I knew I would never share. But I also knew That my spirtually was really keeping me sober. Not the meetings. I stayed sober for one year. .........to be continued.

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