There is a cat sitting outside of my condo apartment meowing. She is not my cat. I've never seen her before. I can't and won't call security because if I do, they will take her away and I think she must belong to someone in the building or in one of the buildings here where I live.

I can't take her in because i have a dog, who, thank God, does not seem to be aware of her presence, though her meowing is LOUD.

I tried calling a couple of neighbors to see if they know whose family she is from, but it is very late at night and no one is answering the phone at this hour.

So, for tonight, anyway, I prayed for her to be protected and guided home and let it go.

If she is still there tomorrow, I will go door to door to help her find her home and will consult with other animal lovers in my not-very-animal-loving complex.

Pondering her presence outside my door reminded me of what it can be like sometimes to love someone who struggles with addiction.

You see or hear their suffering, but are powerless to fix their situation. You know that your actions will have consequences so you don't want to rush into any quick fixes that may have dire long term consequences. Yet, you don't want to just do nothing. So, you pray, ask around to see if there is someone else who may understand the situation who can help you help them and, you go on with your life, while putting their life in a Greater Power's hands.

The guilt of not 'doing something right now' can be fierce. The anger at the powers that be who don't understand can be enormous. The confusion as to how this could happen to someone you love and why you can't just fix it like you kiss the booboo of a small child and make it go away lingers...

And yet, sometimes, the most we can do is to sincerely and completely put another person's life in God's hands and let go of our need to control things, especially when we are not sure what the best thing to do is or when we have tried everything we know and none of it has worked...

Being related to someone who is slowly or quickly killing their mind, body and spirit with substances and watching that happen can be devasting. Regardless, though, of another person's frame of mind or willingness to consider getting help, we can get our lives back and communicate lovingly with them along the way.

We can't control what they will think, say or do, but we can be an example of life in recovery. We can give them opportunities to make their own choices and lovingly share what we are seeing happen to them and set boundaries that will keep us safe and help them to experience the consequences of their behavior.

We can get support to help us along the journey and we can heal moment by moment and day by day from the burn out, obsessive thinking and compulsive helping behavior that we thought was our lot in life as an addict's relative, employer, employee, colleague, or friend...

Yes, it is difficult to hear a cat meowing and let it figure out where it needs to go. And it is so much more difficult to listen to the complaining, bitterness, and misery of a person caught up in the web of self-deception that addiction brings.

Yet, it is not a journey we have to travel alone and it is not hopeless for them or us.

As long as there is life, there is hope! So we hold them in our prayers, we take care of ourselves, and we learn new ways of being and doing in relationship to our loved ones that will contribute to their chances of getting clean and sober.

We know our only guarantee is that if we practice recovery principles, we will get well! Yet, we also know that we are their best chance of getting clean and sober, not through yelling at them, controlling them or fixing them, but by fixing ourselves, treating them with dignity and respect, respecting our own boundaries and needs and getting all of the support we need to get well.

If you could use some help in your recovery journey, Alanon and Naranon offer wonderful family programs of recovery.

If you are looking either for more than what they offer (as an addition to your work in the program) or for an alternative to 12 step recovery, you may want to consider hiring a Family Recovery Coach.

To help you see if this might be an option for you, I offer a complimentary phone consult. You can email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or call me 786 859 4050 to set up a time for us to speak.

For more information about how recovery coaching could help you, the family member, click here!

It's been wonderful spending some time with you this month as your expert! I'll stay in touch from time to time and I hope you will too!

Best,

Coach Bev

Beverly Buncher, MA, PCC, CTPC

Family Recovery Coach

www.beverlybuncher.com

www.12stepfamily.com

786 859 4050