Addictionland - Addiction Recovery Blog

By Ethlie Ann Vare

David Kessler, the former head of the Food and Drug Administration, posits in his book "The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite" that the modern food industry intentionally layers fat, sugar and salt in its products to trigger our craving for more food.  “They aren't selling just any commodity,” says Kessler.  “They've designed highly stimulating products, substances that excessively activate the reward circuits of the brain, and consumers come back for more.”

This is the scientific basis for banning 64-ounce sodas in New York City movie theaters: junk food is literally turning us into food addicts.  Well, sugary foods aren’t the only easily available, highly stimulating products on the market with a risk of triggering obsessive and destructive behavior.  You could say that internet pornography is the junk food of sex and love addiction.

No STD’s, no cash changing hands, no getting rousted by the Vice Squad… in the digital age, all anyone needs is a smartphone and, voila, hot and cold running sexual fantasies.  For most teenage boys, access to pornography 24/7 generally means pornography, 24/7.  But there’s a larger problem: the nature of the sexual fantasies themselves.  Like the complex, supercharged flavors of pretzel M&M’s or salted caramel ice cream, the intensity and variety of pornographic images available online go right for the brain’s reward circuits, creating that instant gratification feedback loop that easily turns into an addictive groove.

Recent studies show that watching pornography stimulates more brain activity in the dopamine receptors than having actual sex does.  Dopamine is the neurochemical that signals not just pleasure and gratification, but the anticipation of pleasure and gratification, which is often even more exciting. (For me, sorry to report, the anticipation is almost always more exciting than the event.  Whatever the event may be…)

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I've always heard that putting your feelings down is suppose to help so here I go. I've never blogged before. I have no idea what I'm doing here. I guess that I am to the end of my rope and I'm hoping that someone may give me some feedback or advice. I am a recovering addict. I've been clean for over 7 years by the grace of God, but I'm not actively in a 12 step program. My husband is also an addict. Actively using as we speak.
He does good for a few weeks and then falls off the wagon and uses for several days. I'm tired of living this life. We have 3 boys who are 15, 13, and 10. The 13 year old is my step-son and doesn't live with us.
I try to keep my husbands using a secret. I don't want my boys to know what their dad is doing because I don't know what kind of effect it will have on them. I also keep it a secret because I am ashamed. I don't want people to know that my husband is using again. I guess I don't want to hear all of the I told you so's.
I am depressed. I don't know what to do. I want him to stop using. I know enough about recovery to know that he isn't doing this because he doesn't love us. I know this but it is so hard to keep this fact in mind. I'm a recovering addict, I know this but it just doesn't seem to help. I know that he love's us as much as he is capable of loving us. But, if he is using then he doesn't love himself. If he doesn't love himself then he can't love anyone else. My husband is such a smart, funny, loving person. I don't want to loose him but I can't keep living this way. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of emotions constantly going up and down. I'm tired of waiting for the next slip up. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling like my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I'm tired of worrying if he has taken too much and won't wake up. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just want a normal life, a normal family.

Anyone who tells you that love addiction is just like drug addiction has it wrong.  Love addiction isn’t like drug addiction at all.  It’s exactly the same thing.  Falling in love triggers a cascade of chemicals in the brain identical to the waterfall of chemicals launched by a line of cocaine, a snoot full of champagne, or a winning roll of the dice.  Research scientists now have the brain scans to prove it.

And if you’re like me, who never met a feel-good brain chemical she didn’t want more of, that can be tricky.  Because the flip side of this flowing fountain of yumminess is that, when the chemical cascade recedes, it feels exactly like withdrawal from heroin or nicotine or sugar.  When you are curled up in the fetal position, aching for the phone to ring, just to hear that voice… one… more… time…. You aren’t metaphorically jonesing for him.  You are literally jonesing for him.

I like this description by a woman caught in the throes of love addiction:
“The compulsion to call was completely beyond my control. I couldn’t stop myself. I would hold off for short intervals, but always there would come the tide of an overpowering necessity. I was engulfed in it; I felt such a sense of panic that I really believed I would die if I didn’t pick up that phone.”

“A tide of overpowering necessity.”  The phrase is striking, lyrical, and accurate.  It’s also me cheating.  I took that paragraph from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous; it’s actually about the writer’s relationship with booze.  I just replaced the word “drink” with “call” and “phone.”  Works, though, doesn’t it?  If you’ve ever felt a sense of all-consuming urgency to dial that number, drive by that house, read that journal or check that Facebook page, you know what it’s like to be inundated by an oceanic wave, struggling desperately to reach the surface and just please, God, finally breathe again.

Compulsion: a key distinction between addiction and willful misbehavior.  
Another way to tell if you have love addiction, as opposed to puppy love (and, seriously, how graceful is it to still have puppy love at thirty-eight?) is that you suffer the twin phenomena of craving and withdrawal.  Craving is the need to replay the voice mail just to hear the sound of his voice, and the exhale that comes when you do.  Craving is the agitation you feel waiting for him to show up at the door, so anxious that even if he’s on time it feels like he’s late.  Craving is what makes you drive by, hang up, check again, ask around, look at pictures of the two of you . . . and then snap at your kid.

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We are like cell phones that need to charge up via meditation each day in order to operate SMART (Spiritual, Mindful, Accepting, Reasonable, Trusting).

"All that glitters is not gold, goes an old saying. All the glittering scenes connected with drinking are not really golden moments, either. They are, for us, always preludes to disaster. I'll remember today to let realistic thinking rule my life even if there are moments when my feelings run temporarially awry."

As a mother your main goal in life is to protect, love and cherish your child. Naturally, we want to give our children more than what we had. Every parent does what they believe is best for their child but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you want it. Parents could spend forever planning out their child’s life to ensure it is filled with opportunity. Unfortunately it seems that sometimes all of your thoughts and ideas you had for your child disappear. That happened to my family when Steven turned 12. At first he would come home late and I could hear him vomit in the bathroom. He came home one evening when I had a tupperware party and vomited in front of everyone. Of course I made up excuses often blaming it on the flu! At the time I had the “not my child” mentality, what a fool I was! From then on my house was a disaster area.

 

For over 27 years as an addiction treatment professional I have applied various treatment approaches in various communities.  In helping my clients find success I have learned that treatment approaches should vary not only by community, but also by client experience and milieu.  Many clients find success as a member of a community mental health team.  Homebound clients are not only mobility challenged they experience uncontrolled and unexpected occurrences that negatively impact long-term success.  Their case specific needs require different treatment approaches to support long term recovery.   In this article we will explore various reasons for this lack of success and posit some suggestions about the best way to engage homebound clients.

I have been fortunate enough to support client success in many environments, but I find additional compassion for the homebound and concern for their long term success.  Most of my homebound clients are unable to make it appointments outside of their home due to conditions such as chronic illness, a lack of social/familial support, diffuse mental health problems, lack of transportation or clinician resistance.  A focused team of health and social welfare clinicians can coordinate client specific treatment approaches.

As clinicians we can be easy become set in our ways and become numb to the strife of others.  We travel from place to place being creatures of habit.  It takes conscious effort and new situations requiring our attention to change.  Out of the items I mentioned above the last two items (lack of transportation or clinician resistance) can be overcome by education and community research to assist a homebound client.

The lack of personal or immediate access to transportation need not be a limitation to treatment for homebound clients.  Many communities have numerous community transportation programs.   In Seattle clients have options such as Access Transportation, Hopelink, Community Transportation, Taxi Script, or even subsidized bus passes.  The surrounding cities also have transportation assistance for community members.  I would also recommend checking with an area’s Chamber of Commerce. Some of these programs require that a medical practitioner verify that a client is disabled by completing an assessment and signing a form that a client can being to a transportation provider.

Visiting a client at their residence or at a community site can be very helpful, especially when a lack of transportation is a result of conditions beyond his or her control.  The idea of having a private and personal visit can instill not only client investment, but also a sense of control.  Many homebound clients are mentally ill and have manifestations which make it impossible for them to leave their home.  For example, schizophrenic clients can be plagued with command hallucinations that tell them to jump off a bridge or in front of traffic.  These clients stay home because the outside world is not safe.

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How has Steven's drug habit affected our family? At first, I said he’ll outgrow it but that never happened. It just seemed to get worse as the years went by. We were a normal family. I worked part-time as a waitress and my husband worked for Southern Pacific Railroad. I was the type of mother that baked cookies and homemade pizza. I guess I wanted to be like those families that we saw on television. I tried to raise my family the exact opposite of how I was raised. When Steven began his drug habit at such a young age my world as I knew it began to collapse. My second husband Mel, adopted my two older boys Ken and Steven. I had Jamie my youngest son with Mel. He tried to be a good father to all of the boys but when it came to Steven neither of us were experienced in dealing with a drug addict. We both made a lot of mistakes. Mel and Steven would fight all the time. As I think back now I get anxiety attacks! Here was a beautiful 12-year-old boy with big blue eyes and blond hair, why did this happen to us!

They say addiction runs in families. I know my father was an alcoholic, he never went a day without a drink. Steven told me one day that he took after his Grandpa. I don't know anymore, all I know is that once Steven's drug use began our life was never the same. How has Stevens drug habit affected my family? The answer is it destroyed our family! There is no easy way out of an addiction, not for the addict or the for the family. The struggle a family goes through to help a loved one who is an addict is never ending. As parents we must educate ourselves in order to teach our children about the dangers of drug use before they begin to experiment for themselves.

I had maybe a few months of abstinance under my belt when a man with twenty years of sobriety said something in a meeting that stuck with me to this day.  He said,"Alcoholics don't get angry, they are angry."

I left the meeting wondering what he was talking about. I thought to myself I am not angry.  I am not angry at all.  Why would he accuse me of being angry?  Not only was I in denial about my anger, I was also convinced he was talking about me!

It took many years of recovery and doing all twelve steps to begin to understand what he meant.  The Big Book warned me that the number one reason people quit the program of recovery is resentment.  It continued to say that as an alcoholic, I did not have the luxury of being angry.

When I did my fourth step and then continued on with my tenth step, I began to see my anger.  I was angry I wasn't smarter, prettier, thinner or wealthier.  I was angry my friends seemd to get what my parents wouldnt give me.  I was angry I wasn't married with children when I thought I should be. The list went on.

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