Addictionland - Addiction Recovery Blog

Before entering 12 step recovery, I never heard of primary purpose and had no clue what it should be.  My sponsor informed me, "You don't need to guess anymore.  Your purpose each day, from here on out, is to stay sober and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety."

"Is that it? I wondered. What about my dreams to be an nationally recognized author and guest on Oprah?  Seems a bit boring for a purpose.

I didn't grasp what she was saying but I followed her direction regardless and, in time, I began to realize the significance of my purpose.  In good times and in bad, my primary purpose gave me something good to focus on rather than focusing on negativity or my self.

"Stay on the beam," my sponsor would add. "Stick to the basics and you will never have to go back to the basics.  Basics are sponsorship, meetings, self-review, prayer, meditation, exercise, rest and helping others."

Honesty opens doors for us. Plain and simple.

In my experience during my active addiction, I was a queen story teller and had a talent for decorating my stories. Fear robbed me with the ability to tell the truth to others and to myself. I was very strong in my ability to run a marathon of denial, BS, and blame.  At least I thought I was strong. However the joke was on me. The thing I feared the most - honesty - would be the one life saving quaility I would need to run the quickest to.

Honesty has been the ticket out of many a dark days in my soul. Over 28 years ago, I broke down and waved the white surrender flag and asked for help. That was the first step for me. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, honesty has become part of the frim foundation that I now base my life on.

I am so not perfect though. Somedays, I just don't want to tell the truth. It depends on how much fear is attached to it. Fear of what others may think, fear or what may possibley change, fear of wanting something better, fear of living life with more grace and abundance. Fear of staying the same.

I wanted to go deeper in my recovery. Years ago I had  another spiritual awakening and realized that I had more work to do on myself and the defects in my character. So I founds ways to go deeper in my soul. There was more work to do and honesty with myself, was the first step.

1. Be honest.  Admit you have a bad habit that is causing problems in your life.

2. Seek information on the internet. Search the keyword 12 step on your computer and see all the great, free resources that pop up.

3. Read a self-help book on the topic causing you pain.  Underline parts that you relate to and look to see how that person has overcome their obstacle.

4. Exercise.  Walk around the block.  Dance.  Run a marathon.  The heightened amount of feel good chemicals in your brain will do you good.

More than those who hate you, more than all your enemies, an undisciplined mind does greater harm.~ Buddha from The Dhammapada

If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes.~ Andrew Carnegie

          You could say this chapter is about the eighth toxic compulsion---co-dependency, otherwise known as being ‘stuck’---because the family system you grew up in is altered and dramatically affected by the addictive behaviors of any one of its members. If you don’t address this collective corrosion you may not be able to use the self-care tools in this book very effectively, or stay in recovery very long.

            It was the founder of Alcoholic’s Anonymous, Bill Wilson, who once said: “you sober up a horse thief, you’ve got a sober horse thief.” By the same token, even if you clean up a person with a dependency of any of these toxic compulsions, there is probably still a co-dependent somebody in that person’s life who is stuck in a system of behaviors that can undermine recovery.

In order to bring in any good, whether it be to a closet, relationship, situation or life, the destructive and chaotic should be identified and surrendered.  Being an all or nothing type of girl, I usually have a hard time with this process because I want to get rid of everything at once and fix things overnight. I have learned the hard way that the slow and steady tortoise wins the race.

In 12 step recovery, we are conditioned to regulary take inventory of our lives looking for the good we want to maintain and the broken we need to correct.  In the beginning we do this as a lifelong inventory (4th step) since it has been years since we have taken stock.  After time, we do this on paper once a day and/or mentally to keep our inner world orderly.  When the inner world is orderly, the outer world is orderly.

When I being a new year  , I like to do a quick review of my most pronounced assets and defects so I can surrender it all once more and ask for guidance, clarity and strength to make a greater, positive impact on the world around me.

This year, on my list of defects, I still see some isolation, making "safe" choices, complaining or playing the victim in my personal relationship, lack of discipline with important activities that promote my mental well being like meditation and exercise and texting on the Iphone while driving, comparing myself to others and not going to enough meetings/meeting with my sponsor, working with sponsees out of the Big Book.

It was New Year's Eve 2000.  Instead of attending one of the biggest bashs of the Milennium high and out of my mind, I attended a small gathering of meditators in Coral Gables chanting in Hindi.  I was plucked out of my life of misery, suffering and drug dependency into a life of freedom, higher awareness and conscious contact with the world around me.  The doorway to that quantum leap was one heartfelt prayer.

I remember the night I wrote a letter to G-d asking to be saved.  I spoke from the heart and admitted my whole life was a charade.  I said I was sick and tired of living a lie and I desparately needed people who could help me recover from my multiple addictions. I asked for people who would not judge me. I cried myself to sleep and expected little in return.  To my suprise, within three months of the letter, my whole world turned upside down and for the better. I was led to 12 step recovery and a life free of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, food addiction and pills.

For anyone out there who is wondering what the new year holds in store for them, let me be the first one to tell you that miracles are possible for any addict who is honest about his/her problem and who is ready to stop riding a runaway train. It is hard to imagine all of the possibilites a life of recovery offers when addiction only leads to hellish groundhog days. 

One great way to start today and the New Year different is to open your mind to the possibility that a miraculous power does exist and can work for you.  It happened to me and it can happen to anyone who really wants help.  I had no idea who or what would save me.  I just admitted I couldn't do it on my own and I was willing to do whatever it took to save my life. I wish the same for any addict suffering in silence.

My health. My son's health.  My husband's health.  A husband who accepts and adores me.  My job. My home. My recovery program.  My friends and supports.  Waking up another day.  Waking up without a hangover.  Waking up without coming to.  Remembering last night.  Pretending to be Santa Claus and putting presents in my son's room knowing he expects a visit.  Eating the cookie by my son's bed that was left for Santa.  Looking at my son's innocent face while he sleeps. 

Choosing the cheeriest wrapping paper I could find and wrapping matchbox toys.  Eating nova on my bagel this morning with a fresh, red tomato.  Helping a friend in recovery by phone.  Doing my own inventory and calling my sponsor to wish her a merry christmas.  Making plans for lunch with my sponsor.  Polishing my toenails metallic grey.  Praying for the families of the children in Connecticut.

My spiritual awakening.  The world not ending on December 21.  Going to Toys R Us with my family and watching my husband buy strangers toys. Donating clothes/toys to kids in need.  Bringing chocolate kisses to the woman down the block who is doing chemotherapy for breast cancer.  Celebrating my son's uniqueness.  Witnessing my son make a homemade thank you note for Santa Claus.  Building a car museum with magnatiles with my son.

13 years of sobriety on Dec. 20.  Staying sober through difficult times, feelings and memories.  Working my program and writing a gratitude list to lift me out of my hormonal funk.  Getting back to the basics of my program to reconnect with the JOY of G-d right now.  Focusing on G-d's love to refresh my sour interior.  Not asking why I am sour but accepting it and moving into a solution.  The ability to search and see all of my blessings instead of focusing on what is missing or wrong. Being at peace.

It’s holiday time!  Bells and songs and tension and conflict.  The whole family package.  Often, family time can trigger old habits, including addictive tendencies that we can hold at bay in normal circumstances.  We revert to childhood roles long established, all the progress of sobriety dissolving in a sarcastic remark or snide comment said the wrong way.   So how can we as addicts deal with regression but avoid the danger of relapse?

I stopped doing a tenth step on paper many years ago.  My justification has been that recovery is a daily process that has put me in the habit of checking my thoughts, motives and actions and correcting them (promptly) when I am off course.  I say it is my justification because I have to wonder if my rollercoaster ride in and out of joy this year isn't at least, in part, due to my lack of consciousness in each moment.

The only way I will answer that question is by starting to do my 10th step on paper again.  Holy moly!  Isnt that just profound as heck? Not really.  If I want a different result, I need to inspect my program and ask myself "What have I stopped doing that seemed to help me before?" Alternatively, I can ask myself "What have I started doing that makes me suffer?"  Either of those two answers are bound to conjure up images of certain behaviors or thought patterns during the day that can be embraced or surrendered to augment one's sanity and contentment.

For instance, I have stopped doing a 10th step on paper, meditating on a daily basis, working out on a daily basis and hanging out with my friends as often as the past.  Of course I am married now with a six year old son which presents challanges to me in terms of how much time I have, however I feel pretty certain if I did some of these things just a bit more often I would feel relief.

I've stopped judging why or how something works a long time ago.   I just care whether it passes the acid test and helps me and others enjoy a better life experience.  Hope this helps you too.