Addictionland - Addiction Recovery Blog

Last weekend I went away with my husband to visit his daughter in NYC. She is about to get married and the purpose of the trip was to join her for her fitting, get better acquainted with her in-laws and to be part of the wedding planning process.

From the goodness of my husband's heart, he purchased two expensive tickets to to the city, took groups of people out Friday and Saturday night and happily attended his daughter's fitting.  Seemingly out of nowhere, his daughter pulled him aside and accused him of being "emotionally abusive to her for the past ten years."  Her parents got divorced ten years ago. This coincided with the end of her limitless supply of money from her father.

Immediately, all kinds of judgment formed in my head about her behavior, her perspective and her upbringing. To me, this was a girl who went from spoiled rotten to severly resentful. Despite the financial constraints post divorce, she made a decision on her own to move to the Big Apple and ignore its high cost of living. She would make it on her own she said, yet continues to take a couple hundred dollars from dad each month.

While I was bitching in my head about her disrespectful behavior, several other thoughts came to mind. "Who are you to judge her?" "Maybe you are jealous of the lifestyle she is about to marry (her husband to be's familyis filthy rich and she doesn't have to work)." "How do you know what her experience was with her father growing up? Maybe his ADD did get in the way of them forming a deep personal relationship.  Maybe she wanted to connect with him on a deeper level and when she couldn't. Maybe shopping for her is a way to distract herself from her pain.

Sobriety is about progress, not perfection. December is my anniversary month and if I continue to do what I have done the past ten years, I will have 11 years of sobriety December 20th. Still, with all that "knowledge" and experience, I revert to quick fixes to get me high. No longer willing to drink, drug, smoke, screw or lie to get high, I occasionally go on a nice shopping spree to get my rocks off.

The combination of acquiring something new on sale at half price truly excites me. My progress comes into the picture when I recognize the reason behind my purchase and do something about my realization. As I try on the new shoes or jacket in front of the mirror at my home, it dawns on me I have plenty of clothes in my closet I still haven't worn. Why then do I go out and buy more?

Because it makes me feel good. Because it fills the emptiness I experience from time to time when I forget who I am and why I exist. Because I am not paying enough attention to my spiritual health. Because it's time to slow down.

As usual, it takes a lot of pain to get me to realize there is something awry with my program of recovery. This time, I was off the spiritual beam by putting my practice of meditation behind my practice of making money. When I did my personal inventory, I realized its been a long time since I sat down a half hour each day to give attention and gratitude to my only true Employer. I do many positive things each day in recovery such as working with others, attending meetings, tithing, etc.. but if I dont make the time to contemplate the true Source of all my Goodness, I feel disconnected and find myself wanting to fill the void with something material.