Addictionland - Addiction Recovery Blog

What do I value?

Where am I unfulfilled?

What are my regrets and can I take action on any of them now?

How do I connect with my inner answers?

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When I get still long enough, I hear the message intended for me.  In response to a recent prayer to feel more centered and fulfilled in my life, I was guided to take a hot yoga class.  I tried hot yoga years ago when I wasn't getting proper nutrition and wasn't able to continue with the classes.

Thirteen years later and free from all of my addictions, I felt comfortable I was healthy enough to try again. I came to the class with the intention of expanding, stretching and opening myself on a physical, mental and spiritual level.  I wanted to let go of my restrictive, contracted way of thinking and acting and tap into a greater, Higher Resource that could center me and transport me to the next phase of my life.

After only three sessions, I felt the power of yoga. Yoga softened my stance, opened my blocked channels and allowed spirit to flow through me to create a deep sense of peace, purpose and enthusiasm.  I know I will always have imbalances and that is okay.  Yoga teaches me to surrender my uncertainty to the moment, rely on my breath to find my strength, and trust I will come to know all I am capable of doing and feeling.

Namaste,

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Honesty opens doors for us. Plain and simple.

In my experience during my active addiction, I was a queen story teller and had a talent for decorating my stories. Fear robbed me with the ability to tell the truth to others and to myself. I was very strong in my ability to run a marathon of denial, BS, and blame.  At least I thought I was strong. However the joke was on me. The thing I feared the most - honesty - would be the one life saving quaility I would need to run the quickest to.

Honesty has been the ticket out of many a dark days in my soul. Over 28 years ago, I broke down and waved the white surrender flag and asked for help. That was the first step for me. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, honesty has become part of the frim foundation that I now base my life on.

I am so not perfect though. Somedays, I just don't want to tell the truth. It depends on how much fear is attached to it. Fear of what others may think, fear or what may possibley change, fear of wanting something better, fear of living life with more grace and abundance. Fear of staying the same.

I wanted to go deeper in my recovery. Years ago I had  another spiritual awakening and realized that I had more work to do on myself and the defects in my character. So I founds ways to go deeper in my soul. There was more work to do and honesty with myself, was the first step.

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Hi my name is janique, I am really happy to Blogg at Addiction Land.

I've had one of those crazy lifes of sex, drugs and rock'n roll but my addiction started when I was 11 years old and I thought I killed my mother, you see I told her I hated her, that night she commited suicide. I know today that that isn't the truth but as a 11 year old I didn't. The pain I felt of killing my own mother and not be able to tell anyone was excrutiating. It wasn't until, by misstake, I cut myself ....when I felt the pain on the outside the pain on the inside start faiding away - seeing the blood running down my arm was a relief; now I knew how to escape all the horrible feelings on the inside....this strated years of cutting and self harm.. This is how it all started.....how did it start for you?

 

Listening for Gods Voice can be a challenge.

I don’t know about you, but I have chatter going on in my head way too much. More than I care to admit. The days that start out with quiet meditation and thankfulness are incredible. I feel centered and at peace with myself. Then WHAM, a negative thought pops in or a wave of anxiousness tries to knock my scared space to ruins.
For me it is a conscious effort to listen for the voice of God. I must quiet the chatter and center my heart to receive him and his Good Orderly Direction.
Sometimes I may hear Gods voice through a good friend’s advice, sharing at a meeting, through the wind in the trees, or through pen and paper. Where ever I hear his voice, I must still my mind and be open to receive. I must listen closely. I must slow down. I must pause and be still.

What about you? How do you listen to Gods calling to get your attention? Do you turn your head, attempting not to hear or do you embrace his calling with abandon? Will you allow him to get your attention? Will you allow him in?

Be still and know that I am God. This is what scripture tells us. Be still in the world that is always in motion. Be intentional. Declutter your mind. Be swallowed up in his presence. Challenge yourself to be unchallenged. Be still and know your God.

My google alerts are set to include any article on eating disorders so I can stay abreast of current issues.  Today, I read the article http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/beauty/desperate-housewives-syndrome-20120529-1zgoa.html and it caused me to think about how I felt when I first developed an eating disorder at age 15 compared to now. At 44 with over 12 years of recovery work under my belt, I can not tell you I am immune to the pressures of the media to look like I am 20 at age 44. So far, I have not succumbed to the internal pressure, but the pressure is there. These women in the movies and magazines look so beautiful and radiant!

So why haven't I gotten botox when so many women I know have?  Certainly, it takes years off one's face and, when administered well, restores a woman's youthful appearance. I have not gotten botox for a few reasons: I have to wonder the longterm effects of putting toxins into my body, it has to be painful and my guts tells me that if I start with one botox, one will never be enough.  Kind of like one drink was never enough.  Either I feel secure I am enough despite my wrinkles, rolls or gray hairs, or I don't.  Either I go down the road of clinging to external validation or I rely upon natural means to enhance my mental and physical health.

What does any of this have to do with addiction or recovery?  The disease of addiction centers in the mind.  The disease of addiction is that voice in our heads that tells us we are not enough, we will never be enough, if we had more or did more, we might stand a chance.  The voice of addiction is insane.  It comes up with ways and means to manipulate reality, the natural process of things, and act as God.  While things may appear good on the outside, for a while, the good never lasts.  Unless something is natural and serves the greater good, it eventually fizzles out, dries up, shrivels and suffers.

Everytime my head tells me I need to do something about the wrinkles on my face or the bulge in my belly, my recovery voice reminds me that the thing that truly makes me beautiful is my essence. My recovery voice tells me that with good behavior, substantial exercise, better nutrition, good times and meditation, the Light within me will get brighter!  Recovery has given me a rational voice to counteract my feelings of inadequacy.  While those feelings of inadequacy never go away completely, I rely on my spiritual program of action and the Grace of my HP to keep me free from bondage to Botox and outside fixes! Aging can be glorious if we place more value on personal growth than we do on wrinkle free foreheads!

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A woman I sponsor recently asked me if she was kidding herself by deeming herself sober when she is still acting out in other areas of her life.  "I may not be drinking or taking pills anymore," she said, "but I am still doing things I am ashamed of doing."

Did I relate? I told her a story about my fourth year in recovery. My boyfriend, or shall I say my obsession in recovery, had recently broke up with me.  I thought I had recovered from my bulimia during my second year and was suprised when the obsession to eat and the compulsion to throw up returned with a vengeance. 

Bulimia, while you are drinking, taking drugs and doing multiple others things to distract yourself from the shame and pain of being a puker, is one thing.  Bulimia, when you are stark raving sober and clearly see how your behavior is out of control, gross and insane, is another thing. I needed to throw up and my awareness of what bulimia did to my psyche and body was life altering.

I threw up for a good six months more before I was in so much pain I was desparate for relief. I showed up at one of my regular AA meetings and decided to pick up a white chip  as a sign of my surrender on this addiction.  When I stood up and walked to the front of the room, friends gasped.  I was so gung ho about my recovery they could not believe I would pick up a drink. They ran over to me and said, "What happened??? I can't believe you of all people picked up."

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A question I am asked frequently is, "What does it look like to 'Live and Let Live' or 'Surrender to Freedom' or 'Turn it Over' as suggested in the 3rd step?"

I had a sponsor who always reminded me that whenever I am disturbed I am the problem. I am in fear of either losing something I want or never getting something I think I need. My real problem is my perception of what I need and my perception of how God is or is not working in my life. In order to connect with the solution, which is always spiritual and will never be my own thinking, I follow certain daily steps and so far they have worked.

To bring the slogans to life-no matter which slogan you choose-I pretty much follow the same disciplines. In no particular order:

1. Read 12 step literature or a spiritual meditation book when I arise to set my mind on spiritual, rather than material, goals.

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A short video from a scene in The Mindful Addict; meditation is about starting over again and again. Distractions will bombard the mind, we just keep returning to the breath, that’s our practice.

All month we have been looking at how writing can improve both our mood and our health. Many of my clients tell me that they would journal more if only they had the time. Today, I will give you three life-transforming exercises that can be done in as little as five minutes a day. Wow! All of us can do that. 

1. Record a Happy Memory. Dr. Fred B. Bryant from Loyola University in Chicago discovered that people who savor their happy memories feel better right now. Write for five minutes about a happy memory or a happy moment from the present. Use as much sensory detail as possible. For example, instead of simply writing about what was on the Thanksgiving table—turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and so forth—describe how it smelled or tasted.

 

2. Practice Gratitude. Plenty of research suggests that practicing gratitude relieves stress and makes us feel happier. Write about between one and three people or experiences you are grateful for. You can also do this exercise with a family member or significant other. Take turns writing three things you are thankful for about the other person. My husband and I have been doing this for about ten years. Our gratitude journal has become a treasured keepsake.

 

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