PROLOGUE

I know the need to take the edge off.  Things will never get better. Things will always be the same.  This is as good as it gets.

I know the self-talk.  I can stop whenever I want.  I’m not as bad as everyone else.  I don’t use every day. I have a job. I have a family.

I know the attempts to control.  I will cut down. I will cut back.  I will do less.

I know the impossible promises to keep. This will be the last time.  This will be the last one.  Never again, this is it!

I know the puzzled looks from family and strangers. Do they know what I am hiding? Are they watching? Can they tell? I know how it feels to be disconnected from your goodness. 

I know how it feels to be uncomfortable in your own skin.  I know the sound of hateful words as they crash against your skull.  You are a loser.  You are an embarrassment. You don’t deserve.

I know what it’s like to be dragged around by a craving. I know what it’s like to expect the worst. I know what it is like to have your dreams plucked out one eye lash at a time.  My life is a nightmare. I will never be normal.  I will never be happy.   I know your pain.  I know your addiction.

I know a way out.